Warning Signs of an Affair: 38 Telling Behaviors of Infidelity
Thursday, March 6, 2025.
I once met a woman named Bette Sue, who was about to marry a man named Davy.
And Bette Sue, God bless her, was unraveling at the seams.
She had lost 14 pounds in a matter of weeks, hadn’t slept in longer than that, and gagged whenever she tried to eat. It wasn’t food poisoning; it was something worse—the slow, sickening dread of realizing your world might not be what you thought it was.
She had no hard evidence. No lipstick on the collar.
No hotel receipts stuffed into a jacket pocket. Just an unshakable gut feeling that something was wrong. “This wasn’t supposed to be my life,” she sobbed, which is a thought that precedes every Greek tragedy and at least 70% of bad country songs.
To make matters worse, she wasn’t just marrying Davy.
She was also set to adopt his children—the only mother figure they had ever known. And now, she was wondering if she’d been playing the part of ‘reliable caretaker’ while someone else was cast as ‘passionate affair partner.’
She needed answers. And because human suffering is oddly predictable, science has already cataloged them.
The Science of Suspicion: 38 Red Flags That Say Maybe “Something Ain’t Right”
None of these signs are definitive proof of an affair. A person can be distant because they are cheating, or because they just realized their job is meaningless and they need to start composting. That said, when you see multiple red flags waving together, it might be time to ask some hard questions.
They Treat You Like an Annoying Roommate
Davy starts fights over nothing. You breathe wrong. You exist too much.
Bette Sue suddenly criticizes everything about you, including things she used to love.
Forgiveness is now off the menu. Every small mistake becomes a crime against humanity.
Davy seems to want to fight. Conflict is his new cardio.
They’re Different in the Bedroom
They suddenly sleep more. A lot more. Like a hibernating bear.
They try new moves in bed that they did not learn from you.
They develop mysterious genital discomfort (Roth & Holmes, 2020). Yes, really.
Their clothing style takes a turn for the seductive—or at least for the ‘new and different.’
They complain about the mechanics of sex with you, suddenly very dissatisfied.
Or, conversely, they avoid it altogether. Sex feels like an obligation, not a joy.
They Emotionally Clock Out
They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings, leaving you to guess.
You notice that their excitement level when seeing you has dipped below ‘watching paint dry.’
They dress up for everyone but you.
They start saying “I’m tired” more than a first-year medical resident.
They Overcompensate
They suddenly initiate sex more. Much more.
They act thrilled to see you—too thrilled. Like an actor overplaying a happy spouse in a rom-com.
“I love you” is suddenly on repeat, in an anxious, performative way.
Affection becomes exaggerated—think grand romantic gestures that feel more like guilt than love.
Their Time Becomes a Mystery
Their schedule starts shifting in ways that don’t make sense.
They suddenly have a lot of “work events” that don’t include you.
They’re oddly protective of their phone, as if it contains national security secrets.
They delete messages like a teenager trying to cover their tracks.
You Become an Afterthought
They forget anniversaries and birthdays. Or remember and seem deeply annoyed by them.
They no longer invite you to things. You are a social ghost.
You hear about their weekend plans through other people, not from them.
Conversations feel forced, like a meeting with HR.
They’re Defensively Nervous
They freak out when you ask about certain people.
They give long, convoluted explanations to questions you didn’t even ask.
They accuse you of being controlling or paranoid when you ask basic questions.
You ask if they’re happy, and they break out into a cold sweat.
Their Relationship to Technology Gets Weird
Their phone is suddenly glued to their hand.
They start using passwords for everything.
They stop posting about you online—or worse, erase past evidence of your existence.
They text with a lot of enthusiasm—but not with you.
They Stop Caring About the Relationship
They don’t argue anymore. Not because things are fine, but because they just… don’t care.
They start acting single in public, whether it's subtle or blatant.
They talk about your future together in vague, uncertain terms.
You feel like a backup plan, not a partner.
What Now? The Science of Hope
If you see a pattern here, it’s easy to feel like your world is falling apart. And in some ways, maybe it is. But here’s the good news: couples who address infidelity can rebuild (Atkins et al., 2010).
UCLA and the University of Washington found that couples who actively worked on their relationship post-affair had just as strong marriages five years later as those who never experienced betrayal (Gordon et al., 2008).
So if you’re in the thick of this, know that you are not alone. You are not doomed. You are not destined to cry into a pint of ice cream forever.
Where to Go from Here
Rebuilding trust is possible, but it takes work. Real, hard, sometimes infuriating work. If you need help, don’t do it alone. Therapy works (Glass, 2003). Workshops work. Having a guide to help navigate the mess works.
And if you are reading this and thinking, “Oh no, I see myself in this,” well, you have two choices: come clean or go deeper into the lie.
One of those choices leads to healing. The other? More ice cream pints, more Greek tragedies, more country songs. Choose wisely.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Atkins, D. C., Eldridge, K. A., Baucom, D. H., & Christensen, A. (2010). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(3), 356-368.
Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997). Susceptibility to infidelity in the first year of marriage. Journal of Research in Personality, 31(2), 193-221.
Glass, S. P. (2003). Not just friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal. Free Press.
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2008). Treating couples recovering from infidelity. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 64(9), 1004-1013.
Roth, M., & Holmes, L. (2020). The physical indicators of sexual infidelity. Journal of Sex Research, 57(5), 678-692.