Autism ruined my marriage
Saturday, March 9, 2024. Recently, I received an email from Lisa, a former client.
Title: How Discovering My Husband's Autism Shattered Our Marriage:
A Neurotypical's Protest…
Dear Daniel,
I never would've imagined that the blissful ignorance of our early years together would eventually lead to the unraveling of our marriage. When I first met Mark, he was charming, attentive, and, while quiet and thoughtful, seemed to fit into social situations effortlessly. Our relationship blossomed quickly, and within a year, we exchanged vows before friends and family.
In those early days, I attributed Mark's occasional quirks to nothing more than personality traits. He was meticulous about his routines, often becoming agitated if plans deviated slightly. Yet, I found his attention to detail endearing, a sign of his dedication and commitment.
Little did I know that there was a complexity to Mark's behavior beneath the surface that I couldn't comprehend. I was blinded by love, unaware of the more profound struggles he faced daily.
The Unraveling…
It wasn't until years into our marriage that cracks began to form. Minor misunderstandings would escalate into heated arguments, leaving both of us frustrated and confused. Mark's inability to empathize or understand my perspective left me feeling isolated and unheard.
I couldn't understand why he seemed indifferent to my emotions and why he struggled to connect with our children on an emotional level. It felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering another outburst or meltdown.
As our marriage deteriorated, I turned to the internet for answers. That's when I stumbled upon articles and forums discussing autism in adults. The more I read the AANE website, the more I recognized the patterns of Mark's behavior that were familiar.
The Diagnosis…
Armed with newfound knowledge, I broached the subject with Mark. At first, he was defensive, reluctant to entertain the idea that he might be on the autism spectrum. But as I shared my observations and the research I had done, he began to reconsider.
After months of evaluations and assessments, Mark received an official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). While relieved to finally have an explanation for his struggles, the diagnosis opened up a Pandora's box of emotions for both of us.
The Impact on Our Marriage… It felt as if Autism ruined my marriage… or at least, my preconceived idea of it…
Understanding Mark's autism was just the beginning. We soon realized that the damage caused by years of miscommunication and misunderstanding ran deep. Our marriage had become a battleground, with both of us struggling to navigate the complexities of neurodiversity.
I resented Mark for not being able to meet my emotional needs, for his inability to understand the unspoken cues that governed social interactions. He, in turn, felt overwhelmed by my constant demands for affection and validation, unable to express himself in ways that made sense to me.
We had tried therapy before, both individually and as a couple, but the divide between us only seemed to widen. It was as if we were speaking different languages, unable to bridge the gap that separated us.
The Pitfalls…
Looking back, I can see now the pitfalls that led us to this point. Society's narrow definition of "normal" had blinded us to the richness of neurodiversity. Instead of embracing our differences, we allowed them to tear us apart.
Communication was perhaps our biggest hurdle. While I relied on subtle cues and body language to convey my thoughts and feelings, Mark needed clear, concrete AF ( as you taught us) information to understand what I was trying to say. Our inability to find common ground left us feeling frustrated and resentful.
Another pitfall was the lack of support and understanding from those around us. Family and friends dismissed Mark's struggles as nothing more than quirks, failing to recognize their profound impact on our relationship. Without a support system to turn to, we felt isolated and alone in our struggles. Thank you for pointing that fact out to us. As you said, “therapy is one thing, and support from family and friends is another.” Thank you for acknowledging this deficit.
The Road to Healing…
Despite the challenges we faced, there is hope for our marriage now. Through therapy with you, and open communication, we slowly learned to bridge the gap between us. I've come to realize that accepting Mark's autism doesn't mean trying to change him but rather embracing him for who he is.
And, just as you predicted, we've also found solace in the autism community, connecting with others who share similar experiences. It's comforting to know that we're not alone in our struggles, that there are others out there who understand what we're going through.
Most importantly, we received helpful guidance from AANE, and that’s how we found you and embarked on this journey.
As we continue this journey of self-discovery and growth, I'm hopeful we can rebuild our marriage on a foundation of understanding and acceptance. Autism may have brought us to the brink of divorce, but with love and perseverance, and using the practical tools to manage our nervous systems that you taught us, I believe we can effectively overcome any obstacle that stands in our way, but we know where to find you if you’re needed LOL.
Slow and Steady Progress…
In the end, Daniel, discovering Mark’s autism was both a blessing and a curse. While it shattered the illusion of our perfect marriage, it also forced us to confront the underlying issues that had been festering beneath the surface. Through tears and heartache, we are slowly learning to rebuild what was broken, one interaction at a time, with an eye, as you reminded us, on the “math.”
Our journey is far from over, but I'm hopeful that we can emerge from this stronger and more resilient than ever before. Autism may have tested the limits of our love, but it has also taught us the true meaning of acceptance and compassion. Our kids are a shared concern, as we’re also evaluating their needs with AANE.
As we continue to navigate the ups and downs of life together, I take comfort in knowing that Mark and I are in this together, for better or for worse. And while our marriage may never be as perfect as I’d like it to be, it is uniquely ours, a testament to the power of “our loving grit and determination,” as you so wisely put it. Thank you for your guidance and help. Mark says hi!
