Resentment… 1 Year After Infidelity…

Wednesday, February 28, 2024.

Exploring Resentment One Year After Betrayal…

Infidelity inflicts deep wounds on a relationship, wounds that often take years to heal, if ever fully.

As the initial shock of betrayal subsides, resentment can take root, poisoning the well of intimacy and trust. But what happens as time goes by?

Let’s look at the research on resentment one year after infidelity, something Gottman called “ inconsolability.” Let’s explore its persistence, manifestations, and implications for long-term relationship dynamics.

The Persistence of Resentment

• Despite efforts to move forward, the aftermath of infidelity can cast a long shadow over a relationship, with resentment often proving stubbornly persistent. Studies have shown that even after one year, betrayed partners continue to grapple with feelings of anger, hurt, and mistrust, and their wounds are slow to heal (Whisman et al., 2018). Resentment may linger as a constant undercurrent, bubbling to the surface in moments of tension or triggering memories of the betrayal.

Manifestations of Resentment

Resentment after infidelity can manifest in myriad ways, permeating the fabric of the relationship and coloring interactions between partners.

Betrayed partners may harbor a deep-seated sense of injustice, replaying the betrayal in their minds and questioning their worth and desirability. Meanwhile, betrayers may feel unfairly vilified or punished, resenting the ongoing consequences of their actions. Inconsolibility and the perpetual Dog House Effect are sometimes serious issues 1 year after infidelity.

• Communication breakdowns are a common symptom of resentment, with partners withdrawing emotionally or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior as a result of unresolved anger (Fincham & Beach, 2010). Intimacy may also suffer, as the walls of resentment between partners hinder genuine connection and vulnerability.

Implications for Relationship Recovery

Addressing resentment after infidelity is paramount for couples seeking to rebuild their relationship on a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

• Couples therapy provides a safe space for partners to confront and process their emotions, fostering open communication and empathy (Gordon et al., 2017). Through therapy, couples can explore the root causes of resentment, confront underlying issues, and develop strategies for forgiveness and reconciliation. I can help with that.

Individual therapy may sometimes also be beneficial, allowing each partner to work through their feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal. But this is not a good practice without the steady hand of a science-based couples therapist.

While individual therapists can help clients cultivate self-awareness, manage difficult emotions, and challenge maladaptive thought patterns contributing to resentment, they tend to throw problematic partners overboard quite cavalierly. The best way to get divorced 1 year after infidelity is for both of you to spend that year in individual therapy.

Final thoughts

1 year after infidelity, resentment can still cast a long shadow over a relationship, hindering efforts to rebuild trust and intimacy.

By acknowledging and addressing resentment through therapy and open communication, couples can navigate the rocky terrain of infidelity recovery and emerge more robust and perhaps even more resilient than before.

But the best way to do that is to find a good, science-based couples therapist. Individual therapists are best seen as supporting couples therapy, especially when kids are concerned.

Everyone should be on the same team with the same clinical goals.

I’m sad to report that that rarely happens. I’ve seen individual therapists blow up my couples therapy in the past. That’s why I try to discuss this issue up front. Individual therapy often elongates and magnifies the suffering of inconsolability. The highest divorce rates 1 year after infidelity are with couples in separate individual therapy and no couples therapist in the mix.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES

Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2010). Forgiveness in marriage: Implications for psychological aggression and constructive communication. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 239–252.

Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2017). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(4), 598–610.

Whisman, M. A., Gordon, K. C., & Chatav, Y. (2018). Predicting sexual and emotional infidelity among heterosexual couples: The role of depressive symptoms and relationship satisfaction. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(8), 2533–2542.