The Zen of Stepfamilies: What a 17th-Century Monk Can Teach Us About Blending Families

Friday, February 21, 2025.

Blending a family is an art form, one that requires patience, resilience, and a willingness to start over—again and again.

If that sounds exhausting, meet Tetsugen Dōkō, a 17th-century Zen monk who mastered the art of persistence long before step-parenting was a thing.

Tetsugen had one dream: to print the entire Buddhist sutras in Japanese so that ordinary people could read them.

This was no small feat. Printing in the 1600s was the equivalent of launching a tech start-up today—expensive, complicated, and requiring years of fundraising.

So, Tetsugen did what any ambitious monk would do: he hit the road, persuading samurai, merchants, and farmers to donate to his cause.

After years of effort, he finally raised enough money. But before he could begin printing, Japan was hit by a massive flood, leaving thousands homeless. Without hesitation, he gave away all the money to disaster relief.

No problem. He started over.

Years later, after painstakingly collecting a second round of donations, famine struck. Again, Tetsugen handed over every cent to feed starving families.

Most people would have given up. But not Tetsugen. He started over for a third time, and this time—miraculously—he completed his project.

Today, the first edition of his printed sutras still exists. But Zen masters say his real sutras weren’t the books—they were the two acts of selfless giving that came before them.

Blended Families Are a Long Game (and That’s Okay)

Tetsugen’s story isn’t just about resilience—it’s about understanding that real success happens in the process, not in the outcome. And if there’s one universal truth about blending a family, it’s that it doesn’t happen overnight.

Research shows that stepfamilies take an average of five to seven years to fully integrate (Papernow, 2013). Five to seven years!

That’s how long it takes for a kid to go from kindergarten to middle school. That’s enough time for trends to become cringe-worthy and for entire social media platforms to rise and fall.

Yet, many people walk into a blended family expecting love and harmony to happen instantly. They assume that because they love their new partner, their kids will too. That because they feel like a family, they are one.

But stepfamilies don’t blend like a smoothie; they blend like a stew. Slowly. With simmering. And the occasional unexpected explosion.

The Family Forgiveness Bank: Why Small Moments Matter

There’s a concept in psychology called The Family Forgiveness Bank (Worthington, 2001). It’s the idea that every little act of kindness—every ride to soccer practice, every effort to include a stepchild, every moment of patience—deposits goodwill into an invisible emotional savings account.

Over time, this “account” builds up. And when things get tough (because they will), families with a full bank can survive the hard moments.

Blended families aren’t built in one grand bonding experience. They’re built through small, repeated acts of care. Maybe your stepkid still won’t call you “Mom” or “Dad,” but they ask for your opinion on which shoes to wear. Maybe the sibling rivalry is alive and well, but you catch them sharing a joke. That’s progress.

The Real Work of Family

Tetsugen didn’t see his first two fundraising efforts as failures. He understood that giving, failing, and trying again were part of the process. And that’s exactly how stepfamilies work.

You will show up for people who don’t acknowledge you. You will be patient with kids who test your limits. You will make sacrifices that may go unnoticed.

But one day—maybe five, maybe seven years in—you’ll look around and realize you’ve built something real. A family that isn’t perfect, but is learning to love each other anyway.

And much like Tetsugen, you’ll understand: this was the real work all along.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.