The Story of a Son "Soiling the Nest"

Tuesday, August 20, 2024.

One of my clients recently shared a story that every parent can relate to, but with a twist that was both humorous and a little heartbreaking.

His son, an only child who had always been sweet and respectful, was getting ready to leave the nest for college.

It was a proud moment for any parent—until the transition started to happen at warp speed, and with more than a few bumps along the way.

High school graduation in May was a triumphant milestone, celebrated with all the fanfare that comes with such an occasion.

But soon after, the focus shifted to the next big step: preparing for college. With his son set to attend a university nearly 2,000 miles away, my client found himself buried in logistics—financial aid, dorm assignments, course registrations, the works.

But amidst all the planning, he noticed a change in his son’s behavior. It was as if his boy had already mentally checked out, leaving only his physical presence behind. And while there wasn’t outright hostility, the tension in their home was definitely on the rise.

Over the summer, his son's behavior took a turn.

The once chatty and affectionate teenager was now locking himself in his room, hanging out with friends, or doing his own thing. Any attempt to engage—whether a quick hug or a simple question about his plans—was met with a classic teenage retort: "Geez, Dad. Lay off! Leave me be!"

With his son now 18, a legal adult, many of the household rules that once governed their lives seemed to have vanished overnight. The shift in their relationship was palpable. What was once a close bond was now filled with one-word mumbles and occasional outbursts, leaving my client to wonder what on earth had happened.

That’s when he stumbled upon the concept of "soiling the nest." syndrome. It turns out that this behavior—marked by increased irritability, withdrawal, or even minor rebellion—is common as children prepare to leave home.

Psychologists suggest that this behavior helps both the child and the parents emotionally prepare for the impending separation. By creating tension, the child subconsciously makes the upcoming farewell easier, as if nudging everyone toward the door with a mixture of annoyance and affection.

But "soiling the nest" isn’t just about being grumpy or distant. It can take on many forms.

For some teens, it’s about challenging household rules more aggressively, pushing back on curfews, or questioning long-standing expectations.

Others might become hyper-focused on their future plans to the point of neglecting their current responsibilities. Suddenly, the diligent student or chore-doer becomes forgetful or uninterested, leaving parents puzzled and frustrated.

This behavior isn’t limited to the home, either.

Teens might also become distant or even argumentative with long-time friends, signaling a need to redefine relationships as they prepare for a new chapter. They may show a marked disinterest in activities they once loved, as their minds are increasingly preoccupied with what lies ahead.

Engaging Sensibly with "Soiling the Nest"

Understanding that the "soiling the nest" syndrome is a natural part of growing up can help parents navigate this challenging time with more patience and empathy. Here are some sensible ways to engage with this behavior:

Acknowledge the Change: Recognize that your teen is going through a significant life transition. Acknowledging the changes can open the door to more honest conversations and help both parties manage expectations.

Pick Your Battles: Not every behavior needs to be corrected. Sometimes, letting minor infractions slide can prevent unnecessary conflict. Focus on maintaining open lines of communication rather than enforcing every rule to the letter.

Maintain Traditions, Flexibly: While your teen may withdraw from some family activities, try to keep certain traditions alive, but with flexibility. For example, instead of insisting they attend every family dinner, perhaps suggest they join once or twice a week.

Encourage Independence: Support your teen’s need for independence by gradually giving them more responsibilities and autonomy. This can help them feel more in control of their transition and less likely to push back against perceived restrictions.

Provide Reassurance: Let your teen know that while the relationship is changing, it’s not ending. Reassure them that you’ll always be there, even as they take steps toward independence.

Seek Professional Support if Needed: If the behavior escalates to a point where it’s causing significant distress or conflict, it might be helpful to seek guidance from a family therapist. They can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation.

Navigating "soiling the nest" requires a delicate balance of letting go and holding on. Understanding the psychological underpinnings of this behavior can help parents approach it with the compassion and patience needed to support their teen during this critical transition.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469-480.

Fuligni, A. J., & Pedersen, S. (2002). Family obligation and the transition to young adulthood. Developmental Psychology, 38(5), 856-868.

Kins, E., Beyers, W., & Soenens, B. (2013). When the separation-individuation process goes awry: Distinguishing between dysfunctional dependence and dysfunctional independence. Journal of Adolescence, 36(5), 1025-1037.

Mahler, M. S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (1975). The psychological birth of the human infant: Symbiosis and individuation. Basic Books.