The power of appreciation…
Wednesday, November 8, 2023.
In the ridiculously stressful age we live in, now, more powerfully than ever, wouldn’t it be wonderful to feel safe enough to cling to one another with deep and profound appreciation?
New research, from the great Dr. Allen Barton and his team confirming decades of earlier research, confirming important thought leaders such as Esther Perel, the Gottmans, and many others:
Feeling appreciated is the juju that turns sh*t to gold in long-term relationships. Gratitude also plays a vital part in fostering feelings of appreciation.
Appreciation wanes….
Here’s the thing about appreciation. It’s easy to appreciate the wondrous, the novel, and the alluring. That’s why a new partner can be such an appreciably shiny object.
But while appreciation flows like a mighty river at the start of relationship, it can wane over the years, leaving partners feeling exploited and taken for granted.
How bad is the appreciation deficit between men and women?… many would say it’s pretty fu*king epic.
In ordinary times, humans struggling to be life partners might go through the routine of mumbling ‘thanks’ to each other, but it can become empty an meaningless.
As external stressors mount, a neglected relationship becomes an arid desert, devoid of appreciation.
How the study was conducted
This study suggests that an online relationship intervention can increases the perception of gratitude. The intervention had ancillary benefits as well.
Dr. Allen Barton, from the mighty University of Illinois, the study’s lead author, said:
“Gratitude almost seems to be a secret sauce to relationships, and an important piece to the puzzle of romantic relationships that hasn’t gotten much attention in research studies until recently.
And in couple relationships, it’s not just about being appreciative for your partner but also about feeling appreciated by your partner.
Gratitude for couples is very interpersonal and something that is exchanged between partners.”
The study randomized over 600 low income couples to either participate in an online relationship program, or be in a control group.
One of the programs, called OurRelationship, uses the principles of Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) and was provided free for couples who qualified.
IBCT is the best kept secret in couples therapy!
The Veteran’s administration loves IBCT. But most therapist working with general public have never heard of it. In IBCT, couples first observe their relationship, then try to understand their problem, before considering a response.
IBCT was a profoundly innovative model of couples therapy as it was perhaps the first to advocate for the notion acceptance in couples therapy.
Here’s what I thought was fascinating… older humans in this study tended to perceive less gratitude from their partners.
Dr. Barton commented:
“These findings make sense. When we first meet somebody, we’re very mindful to show our appreciation.
Over time, this tends to get lost, and people may not realize that neither partner feels as appreciated as they would like to be.
From other research we have done, we know that ensuring partners feel acknowledged and valued will go a long way in promoting the quality of their relationship.”
Here’s the part I was looking for…both interventions improved levels of perceived gratitude! Dr. Barton said:
“We found that levels of perceived gratitude improved as a result of participating in these online relationship interventions, which have been shown to improve overall couple relationship quality across several dimensions.
The effect on gratitude was not as large as program effects on some of the other aspects, which isn’t surprising because the program wasn’t focusing on gratitude, but there was still a measurable effect.”
There seems to be a bit of a dance when an intervention directly focuses on gratitude. A sense of natural feeling, and flow is best.
Concrete AF… a sincere “thank you” is a good start…
Dr. Barton tells us that simpler is better. Just saying ‘thank you’ and being authentic is a great start to relationship healing:
“If you’re married or in a romantic relationship, as simple as it may seem, make sure to regularly give specific, sincere compliments to your spouse or romantic partner.
I also encourage couples to ask each other if there are areas where one person doesn’t feel appreciated and then work to remedy that.
It takes a lot of work to make a family happen, and that work becomes all the more challenging when your efforts aren’t acknowledged.
So just ensuring there’s a regular rhythm in a relationship where both partners are expressing appreciation and both partners feel valued is important.”
Final thoughts on the power of appreciation…
We tend to engage in a sh*tload of mind reading when we’re feeling unappreciated. Feelings of being taken for granted also feed relational ambivalence.
Some humans never complain…they just walk away.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Allen W. Barton, Qiujie Gong, Shayna Guttman, Brian D. Doss,
Trajectories of perceived gratitude and change following relationship interventions: A randomized controlled trial with lower-income, help-seeking couples, Behavior Therapy, 2023, ISSN 0005-7894, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2023.07.014.(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S000578942300093X)
