The Noble Art of Poop Detection: How John Gottman's Oddest Idea Might Be His Most Important
Monday, April 28, 2025.
In the grand architecture of marital social science, John Gottman has given us more useful tools than perhaps any other research scientist: the Four Horsemen of Divorce, the Magic Ratio, Emotional Bids.
But tucked among these masterpieces, half-hidden behind his sheepish smile, is one of his most profound insights: poop detection.
It sounds decidedly unserious.
But inside the Gottman Method, poop detection isn’t a joke — it’s a relationship survival skill, and a first-line intervention against the slow death of intimacy that claims so many partnerships.
It is not the fireworks of romance that keep marriages alive.
It is the small, nearly invisible art of noticing when something smells wrong before the whole house is suffused with a foul odor.
What Poop Detection Really Means
Poop detection, in Gottman's terms, is the ability to notice when your partner’s emotional state has shifted — even slightly — and to respond tenderly before the problem grows (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
It’s the intuition that flickers when you hear a flatness in your spouse’s “I’m fine.”
It’s the alertness to a slumped shoulder, a mistimed joke, a subtle withdrawal from a conversation.
Healthy couples aren't just good at fighting well; they’re good at catching micro-hurts early — before anyone needs to shout or slam a door to be heard.
In the Love Lab, the couples who fared best were those who detected small emotional disturbances and gently offered presence: a question, a gesture, an open invitation to talk — but never a demand.
Poop detection is relational maintenance at its finest: finding leaks when they are drips, not waiting until the ceiling caves in.
Poop Detection in the Gottman Method: Quiet Urgency
In the structure of the Gottman Method, poop detection is the early warning system that keeps everything else from falling apart.
It strengthens Love Maps, because noticing small signs of distress keeps partners updated on each other’s inner lives — the daily shifts in feelings, needs, and stresses that are easy to miss.
It helps prevent emotional flooding, by catching and addressing frustrations early, before they build up into overwhelming conflict.
It makes repair attempts a regular part of the relationship, turning small gestures of connection — an apology, a joke, a reassuring glance — into normal, expected ways of staying close.
And it builds trust steadily, by showing, over and over: "I am paying attention. I care about how you feel, even when you don't put it into words."
Couples who fail at poop detection don’t usually fail from malice.
They fail from drift — the slow, barely noticeable loss of emotional attunement that feels harmless at first but eventually hollows out the bond.
Poop detection is how couples stay alive to each other — emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually — before the costs of negligence become catastrophic (Gottman, 1994).
Best Practices for Poop Detection: The Way It’s Done Right
When done well, poop detection is almost invisible.
It doesn't look like a confrontation. It looks like small acts of attention, scaled perfectly to the moment.
The best practitioners of poop detection move softly.
If they notice their partner withdrawing during dinner, they don’t pounce with "What's wrong with you?"
They might just reach across the table, brush a hand lightly, and say, "Long day?"If their spouse seems unusually curt after a tense phone call, they don't diagnose or demand.
They offer a quiet outpost of curiosity: "That sounded rough. Want to vent?"If their partner retreats behind their phone or laptop after an argument, they don’t chase.
They leave a breadcrumb trail: "I'll be in the living room if you feel like talking."Best practice isn't about forcing feelings into the open. It's about being steadily available for connection — without judgment, without pressure, without ego.
And when early invitations are rejected — as they sometimes are — the best practice is grace, not grievance.
“Okay. I’m around if you want me later.”
Then trust the process. The offer itself, not just the conversation, builds trust over time.Poop detection isn't an interrogation. It's an invitation.
And invitations are more powerful when they can be declined without penalty.
The Mistakes Good Couples Make (And How to Repair Them)
Even good couples — especially good couples — will make mistakes in poop detection from time to time.
One classic mistake is turning poop detection into a defense of self.
You notice your partner is upset, and instead of offering presence, you get panicked:
"What did I do wrong? Why are you mad at me?"
Suddenly, their emotional need becomes about your emotional reassurance.
The repair here is simple but hard: self-soothe first. Remind yourself that noticing your partner’s distress is not the same as being at fault for it.
Another common mistake is overloading the moment.
You notice something wrong and dive in with heavy questions:
"You seem depressed. Are you unhappy with our marriage? Are you secretly furious at me?"
Poop detection done badly becomes emotional carpet-bombing.
The repair is restraint: make small, low-pressure bids, not existential investigations.
Still another mistake is ignoring repeated signals out of fatigue.
You catch a bad mood once, twice, three times, and decide: if they don't want to talk, that's their problem.
But Gottman’s research shows that it’s not enough to make one offer and call it good (Gottman et al., 2002). Emotional turning toward is a habit, not a single act.
The repair here is persistence without pressure: “I’m still here. Whenever you want.”
In all cases, the guiding principle is the same:
Notice early. Offer lightly. Stay emotionally reachable without forcing the issue.
Poop Detection Starter Phrases: Building the Habit of Tender Curiosity
For couples just learning how to practice poop detection more intentionally, words often matter.
The goal isn’t to script conversations, but to lower the emotional threshold for connection.
Some starter phrases that fit the spirit of good poop detection might sound like:
"You seem a little far away tonight. Can I come find you?"
"Noticed you went quiet after that call — anything you feel like unloading?"
"No pressure, but if you want to talk about it, I’m here."
"You don’t have to explain if you’re not ready. Just want you to know I’m paying attention."
"You look like you’re carrying something heavy. Can I help lighten it?"
Each phrase is an open door, not a battering ram.
The best ones are soft around the edges, easy to decline, but unmistakably full of presence.
Over time, this kind of relational posture builds a culture inside the relationship:
a culture where small pains are noticed early, where small bids are honored, where small repairs are normal.
It is emotional plumbing maintenance, not emotional firefighting.
And it is, according to Gottman’s lifetime of research, the difference between relationships that slowly wither and those that quietly thrive.
The Courage to Make Small Repairs
There is a certain bravery in love that rarely gets celebrated.
Not the bravery of staying after betrayals. Not the bravery of dramatic reconciliations.
But the quiet bravery of turning toward someone’s invisible pain, again and again, without being asked.
It takes courage to notice distress without defensiveness.
It takes maturity to offer presence without agenda.
It takes stamina to keep inviting connection after multiple brush-offs.
Poop detection, done well, is an act of hope:
the hope that small, steady care will win over entropy.
the faith that tending to tiny hurts now prevents the devastation of larger ones later.
Gottman's work reminds us that it is not grand declarations of love that save relationships.
It is the dorky, diligent, unnoticed acts of profound noticing, and bestowed attention.
It is the willingness to smell something slightly wrong — and to gently, lovingly, clean it up while it is still small.
Why Poop Detection Is a Radical Act Today
In a world saturated with noise, stimulation, and performative self-curation, to truly notice another human being — especially in their most tender, unspoken discomfort — is nothing short of revolutionary.
Poop detection says:
I am listening for the part of you that you do not tweet about.
I care enough to stay present when it would be easier to scroll past.
I love the messy drafts of you, not just your polished final products.
Modern life trains us to minimize inconvenience, to avoid discomfort, to prioritize our own energy.
Poop detection defies that training.
It insists: love is built in the discomfort of the unnoticed moment.
In the slight stiffness at bedtime.
In the sigh at the sink.
In the "fine" that isn't.
We don't lose people all at once.
We lose them because we stop noticing.
And we keep them — we save them — by noticing again, and again, and again, and again, even when it's inconvenient.
Especially when it’s inconvenient.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrère, S., & Swanson, C. (2002). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 22–36. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00022.x
Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming conversation: The power of talk in a digital age. Penguin Press.