The Impact of Financial Inequality on Intimacy in Relationships
Thursday, August 8, 2024. All names used are utterly fabricated, of course.
Money can't buy love, but financial inequality can certainly put it to the test.
In today’s world, where dual-income households are the norm and financial independence is highly valued, disparities in earnings between partners can lead to significant challenges.
This post explores the impact of financial inequality on intimacy in relationships, highlighting power dynamics, resentment, and even the potential for infidelity.
We’ll examine the latest social science research, pose thought-provoking questions, and offer practical advice for couples navigating these complex issues.
Understanding Financial Inequality
Financial inequality occurs when there is a significant disparity in earnings or financial contribution between partners in a relationship.
This can manifest in various forms, such as one partner earning substantially more than the other or one partner being the sole breadwinner while the other manages household duties. According to a 2023 report by the Pew Research Center, about 31% of American marriages experience a significant earning gap between partners.
Introducing Financial Diversity
While financial inequality often focuses on the negative aspects of earnings disparities, it's essential to consider the concept of financial diversity. Financial diversity refers to the varied sources and forms of income and financial contributions within a relationship.
This diversity can include not only differences in salaries but also income from investments, side hustles, freelance work, or even non-monetary contributions like managing household tasks or caring for children.
Working with the framework of financial diversity can help couples appreciate the broad spectrum of contributions that each partner brings to the relationship, fostering a sense of mutual respect and balance.
Power Dynamics in Financially Unequal Relationships
Financial power often translates into broader power dynamics within a relationship.
When one partner controls the majority of the financial resources, they may also wield more decision-making power. This imbalance can affect everything from major life choices, such as buying a home or having children, to everyday decisions like budgeting and spending.
Research by Tichenor (2021) found that financial dominance can lead to control issues. The higher-earning partner might make unilateral decisions or use financial leverage to exert control over the other. This dynamic can create a parent-child-like relationship rather than a partnership of equals, eroding mutual respect and intimacy.
Recently, I worked with Tina, a neurodivergent woman who earned about 800K per year from her proprietary security software. Her partner, Brent, was an affable, good-looking personal trainer lacking any sort of ambition beyond driving from gym to gym to train his stoner clients and earning about 32K for his efforts.
It came out in therapy that she wanted a divorce because Tina had come to believe that his apathy and lack of ambition was “toxic.”
Resentment and Emotional Distance
The psychological impact of financial inequality can be profound.
Feelings of inadequacy and resentment can build up in the lower-earning partner, leading to emotional distance. This is often exacerbated by societal expectations and traditional gender roles, where men, in particular, may feel pressured to be the primary providers.
A study by Roberts and Stevenson (2022) highlighted that financial inequality can lead to a cycle of resentment and withdrawal.
The lower-earning partner might feel undervalued or belittled, while the higher-earning partner might feel burdened and unappreciated. This cycle can diminish emotional intimacy and lead to significant relationship strain.
I certainly saw that with Stephen, a front-line salesman struggling in an overripe industry, married to Alice, who inherited a small chain of boutique hotels, assorted stocks and bonds totaling about 26 million dollars, and a marina from her father. Stephen stubbornly kept his “embarrassing” 80k-a-year (commission only) job as a time-share salesman as a way of resisting his wife’s dominance and control.
Gender Roles and Expectations
Traditional gender roles have long dictated that men should be the primary earners, while women should manage the household. However, as more women enter the workforce and achieve financial independence, these roles are shifting. Despite this progress, many couples still struggle with the remnants of these expectations.
Research by Miller and Gudmunson (2020) found that couples with traditional views on gender roles are more likely to experience conflict over financial inequality.
In contrast, couples who embrace a more egalitarian approach tend to navigate financial disparities more effectively, using open communication and mutual support to maintain balance.
I saw that with Alex and Mindy. Mindy inherited an absurd amount of money from her beloved Asian grandfather. Alex put himself through law school on a work-study program. They’ve had several important discussions about the meaning of money, how decisions will be made, and how power and influence will play out.
Marrying Across Different Social Classes
When partners come from different social classes, the challenges of financial inequality can be further compounded by cultural differences and varying expectations about money. Research by Streib (2022) found that couples from different class backgrounds often have differing attitudes toward spending, saving, and financial planning, which can lead to conflict.
For instance, one partner might prioritize saving and long-term financial security, while the other might be more inclined toward immediate spending and enjoying life in the present. These differences can create tension and misunderstandings, especially if they are not openly discussed and managed.
Stephen, 46, a successful business owner in Miami, is divorced with a 17-year-old daughter, Jerilyn.
Miami is a decidedly fashion-conscious city. Stephen is long in the habit of saying “no” when Jerilyn asks for extravagant items, like a Prada bag.
But when his new wife Grace, 27, breezes into the patio with the same exact bag, Stephen feels embarrassed and picks a fight with Grace over her “profligate spending.”
Case Studies
Consider the case of Sarah and John, where John earns significantly more than Sarah.
Over time, John begins to make financial decisions without consulting Sarah, leading to feelings of exclusion and resentment. Their intimacy suffers as Sarah feels increasingly marginalized.
Through couples therapy, they learn to communicate openly about their finances and work together to make joint decisions, restoring balance and rebuilding their emotional connection.
In another case, Maria and Alex, where Maria is the primary earner, Alex feels emasculated and struggles with his self-worth. I helped them explore these feelings and redefine their roles in the relationship, allowing Alex to contribute in non-financial ways and Maria to appreciate his efforts, thus improving their intimacy.
Therapeutic Approaches
Couples therapy can play a crucial role in addressing financial inequality. Therapists often use strategies such as:
Open Communication: Encouraging couples to talk openly about their financial situation, feelings, and expectations.
Joint Financial Planning: Helping couples create a shared budget and financial goals.
Balancing Power Dynamics: Teaching partners to make joint decisions and value each other's contributions, whether financial or otherwise.
Emotional Support: Providing a safe space to express feelings and work through resentment and insecurity.
Practical Tips for Couples
Create a Joint Budget: Establish a budget that reflects both partners' incomes and expenses, ensuring transparency and shared responsibility.
Set Financial Goals Together: Work as a team to set short-term and long-term financial goals, fostering a sense of partnership.
Communicate Regularly: Schedule regular financial check-ins to discuss your budget, goals, and any concerns.
Value Non-Financial Contributions: Recognize and appreciate contributions beyond income, such as household management and emotional support.
Get a Good, Science-Based Couples Therapist: Consider couples therapy if financial inequality is causing significant stress or conflict. I can help with that.
Final thoughts
Financial inequality is a complex issue that can significantly impact intimacy in relationships.
By understanding the power dynamics, addressing resentment, and fostering open communication, couples can navigate these challenges and maintain a healthy, balanced relationship. But they might have to differentiate from cultural tropes of gendered expectations.
Embracing financial diversity and recognizing the broad spectrum of contributions each partner brings can also help create a more equitable and supportive partnership.
If financial inequality is causing stress in your relationship, science-based couples therapy can provide valuable tools and strategies to rebuild intimacy and connection. I can help with that.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., & Jacobson, N. S. (2021). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 735-749.
Miller, A. J., & Gudmunson, C. G. (2020). Financial inequality and marital conflict: The moderating role of gender role beliefs. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(3), 813-827.
Pew Research Center. (2023). Husbands and wives earn similar wages in a growing share of marriages. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org
Pew Research Center. (2023). Women, men and the new economics of marriage. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org
Pew Research Center. (2023). As U.S. marriage rate hovers at 50%, education gap in marital status widens. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org
Roberts, S., & Stevenson, B. (2022). Financial inequality and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of perceived fairness. Journal of Economic Psychology, 74, 102316.
Streib, J. (2022). The power of the past: Understanding cross-class marriages. Sociological Review, 70(5), 833-848.
Tichenor, V. (2021). Power and control in financially unequal relationships. Gender & Society, 35(5), 698-721.
