The Role of Social Media in Shaping Relationship Expectations: Navigating Unrealistic Standards and the ‘Highlight Reel’ Effect
Sunday, September 1, 2024.
Let’s be honest—if you’ve ever scrolled through Instagram, you’ve probably seen those perfect couples.
You know the ones: always smiling, dressed in coordinated outfits, effortlessly posing in front of breathtaking sunsets.
It’s like they stepped out of a rom-com and onto your feed. But here’s the thing: what you’re seeing is only part of the story.
Welcome to the world of the “Highlight Reel,” where social media often showcases the best and brightest moments of relationships while leaving the messier, more complicated bits off-screen.
In this post, we’re going to dive deep into how social media shapes our relationship expectations, often setting us up for disappointment by promoting unrealistic standards.
We’ll explore the psychological impact of comparing our relationships to these curated images, how influencers play into this dynamic, and most importantly, how we can manage our expectations and embrace the reality of what a healthy relationship truly looks like.
The Highlight Reel Effect: The Best, But Not the Whole Story
Social media is a platform for sharing, but it’s also a place where we curate our lives.
Most people aren’t posting about the argument they had with their partner over whose turn it was to do the dishes, or that time they were grumpy because they didn’t get enough sleep. Instead, we see the vacations, the romantic gestures, the perfectly timed selfies.
This is what we call the “Highlight Reel”—a carefully edited version of reality that’s designed to make everything look, well, perfect.
While there’s nothing inherently wrong with sharing the good times, constantly consuming this kind of content can lead to distorted perceptions of what a relationship should be.
Research by Chou and Edge (2012) found that social media can create an “idealized” view of others’ lives, leading to feelings of dissatisfaction with our own. When we only see the highlights, it’s easy to assume that everyone else’s relationship is perfect, which can make us feel like ours is falling short.
Remember that social media is a curated experience. Just because a couple seems perfect online doesn’t mean they don’t have their own struggles. It’s important to keep this in mind and resist the urge to compare your real life to someone else’s highlight reel.
Social Comparison Theory: The Danger of Keeping Up with the Joneses
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is nothing new, but social media has taken it to a whole new level.
Social Comparison Theory, originally proposed by the fearlessly curious psychologist Leon Festinger, suggests that we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others. On social media, this often translates to comparing our relationships to the seemingly flawless ones we see online.
But here’s the kicker: these comparisons can have serious consequences.
A study by Vogel, Rose, Roberts, and Eckles (2014) found that folks who frequently compare themselves to others on social media are more likely to experience negative emotions, including lower self-esteem and greater dissatisfaction with their own lives. When it comes to relationships, these comparisons can lead to unrealistic expectations, jealousy, and even conflict.
It’s important to recognize when you’re falling into the comparison trap. Instead of focusing on how your relationship measures up to others, focus on what makes your relationship unique and special. Celebrate the quirks and imperfections that make your bond one-of-a-kind.
The Influence of Influencers: Relationship Goals or Relationship Woes?
Influencers have become a major force on social media, often promoting idealized versions of relationships that can feel unattainable to the average person. Whether it’s a lifestyle influencer sharing their picture-perfect marriage or a relationship guru offering advice, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that their way is the “right” way.
However, it’s important to remember that influencers are often presenting a highly curated and edited version of their lives. They might be offering advice based on what works for them, but that doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. Additionally, not all influencers are experts—many are simply sharing personal experiences or opinions, which might not be based on sound relationship science.
Research by Fardouly, Diedrichs, Vartanian, and Halliwell (2015) found that exposure to idealized images on social media can lead to body dissatisfaction and other negative outcomes. While this study focused on body image, the same principles can apply to relationships—constantly seeing “perfect” couples can make us feel like our own relationships aren’t measuring up.
Take influencer content with a grain of salt. Remember that what you see online is often a polished version of reality. If you’re seeking relationship advice, it’s better to turn to trusted, evidence-based sources, such as licensed therapists or well-researched books.
Managing Expectations: Bringing Reality Back into Focus
So, how do we navigate the pressures of the Highlight Reel and social comparison? The key is to manage our expectations and keep things in perspective. Relationships are messy, complicated, and sometimes downright difficult—but that’s what makes them real and rewarding.
Here are a few strategies to help bring your expectations back into alignment with reality:
Embrace Imperfection: No relationship is perfect, and that’s okay. Instead of striving for an ideal that doesn’t exist, focus on the strengths of your relationship and the ways you and your partner support each other through the ups and downs.
Communicate Openly: Unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration and resentment if left unchecked. Make a habit of discussing your expectations with your partner and working together to set realistic, mutually agreed-upon goals.
Practice Gratitude: Instead of focusing on what your relationship might be lacking, take time to appreciate what you have. Practicing gratitude for your partner and the positive aspects of your relationship can help shift your perspective.
Limit Social Media Use: If you find that social media is leading to negative feelings about your relationship, consider taking a break or limiting your use. Use that time to connect with your partner offline and enjoy each other’s company without the distractions of technology.
It’s important to remember that relationships are a journey, not a destination. There will be good days and bad days, and that’s perfectly normal. What matters most is how you and your partner navigate those challenges together.
The Power of Authenticity: Keeping It Real on Social Media
In a world where everyone is striving to put their best foot forward online, there’s something refreshing about authenticity. Sharing the real, unfiltered moments of your relationship—not just the picture-perfect ones—can be empowering and help normalize the ups and downs that every couple experiences.
Being authentic doesn’t mean airing all your dirty laundry on social media, but it does mean being honest about the fact that relationships are complex. By sharing both the highs and the lows, you can contribute to a more balanced and realistic portrayal of relationships online—and perhaps even inspire others to do the same.
If you feel comfortable, consider sharing a more authentic version of your relationship on social media. This could mean posting about the challenges you’ve overcome together, the everyday moments that make your relationship special, or simply being honest about the fact that it’s not always easy. Your authenticity might just be the reminder someone else needs that they’re not alone in their struggles.
Final thoughts
Social media can have a powerful influence on how we view our relationships, often setting us up for disappointment by promoting unrealistic standards.
But by understanding the dynamics at play—like the Highlight Reel effect, social comparison, and the influence of influencers—we can take steps to manage our expectations and embrace the reality of what a healthy, fulfilling relationship looks like.
Remember, no relationship is perfect, and that’s okay.
The real beauty of a relationship lies in its authenticity, in the way you and your partner navigate life’s challenges together, and in the unique bond you share. So the next time you find yourself scrolling through social media and feeling like your relationship doesn’t measure up, take a step back, unplug, and focus on what truly matters—each other.
After all, the best moments in life aren’t always Instagram-worthy—they’re the ones where you’re truly present, connecting with the person you love, without the need for filters or likes.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Chou, H. T. G., & Edge, N. (2012). “They are happier and having better lives than I am”: The impact of using Facebook on perceptions of others’ lives. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(2), 117-121. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2011.0324
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206-222. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000047
Fardouly, J., Diedrichs, P. C., Vartanian, L. R., & Halliwell, E. (2015). Social comparisons on social media: The impact of Facebook on young women’s body image concerns and mood. Body Image, 13, 38-45. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.12.002