The Deptula Family: Navigating "The Grandparent Boundary Backlash"
Sunday, January 26, 2025.
When Sarah and Matt Deptula walked into my office, they were in the middle of a standoff—not with each other, but with Matt’s parents.
The issue? Their 2-year-old daughter, Ella, and a Facebook-worthy meltdown over a boundary they’d set with her grandparents on the Christmas Holiday.
“It started with the snacks,” Sarah explained, visibly exasperated. “We asked them not to give Ella sweets before dinner. They said, ‘Of course,’ but the next thing I know, she’s scoffing down chocolate bars the size of her head.”
Matt chimed in, “When I brought it up, my mom acted like I’d accused her of a crime. She said, ‘Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids! You’re too strict.’” He sighed. “Now she’s posting these vague memes on Facebook about how kids today don’t respect their elders.”
The Backlash Begins
The Deptulas’ story is familiar: a clash between generations over the role of grandparents, the authority of parents, and what "respect" really means.
Matt’s parents, Beth and Tom, 3rd generation Polish-Americans, were loving, but overbearing. They viewed their relationship with Ella as an opportunity to revisit their parenting years—this time with all the fun, none of the rules, the their best vodka.
Beth in particular bristled at the word boundary.
“Boundaries are for strangers, not family,” she had said during a tense conversation about Ella’s bedtime. “When did parenting become so complicated?”
For Sarah and Matt, the situation was clear: They loved Beth and Tom, but their role as parents meant setting limits. “We’re not trying to be controlling,” Sarah said. “We just want consistency for Ella. But every time we say no, it’s like we’re attacking their whole identity as grandparents.”
The Emotional Roots of the Backlash
In therapy, we unpacked the deeper dynamics behind the conflict. Beth and Tom’s resistance wasn’t just about chocolate bars or bedtimes—it was about generational shifts in how families operate.
Beth had grown up in an era where grandparents were seen as second-tier parents, deeply involved in raising grandchildren. “In my day, everyone pitched in,” she had told Matt. “Your grandma practically lived with us when you were little. I don’t understand why you’re shutting us out.”
Her words revealed a common theme: for older generations, involvement in grandparenting often feels like a continuation of their parenting role. For younger generations, setting boundaries isn’t about exclusion—it’s about defining their own parenting identity.
Therapy as a Bridge
To navigate this tension, we focused on three key strategies:
Reframing Boundaries as Connection
The first step was helping Beth and Tom see boundaries not as walls but as guidelines for a healthy relationship with Ella—and her parents. “Boundaries aren’t about keeping you out,” I explained in a session with the whole family. “They’re about creating a safe, predictable environment for everyone.”
When Sarah and Matt reframed their requests in positive terms, it made a difference. Instead of saying, “Don’t give her sweets before dinner,” they started saying, “We’d love for you to share dessert with Ella after she eats her meal.”
Addressing the Emotional Undercurrent
Beth’s resistance was rooted in fear—fear of losing her connection to Ella and her relevance in the family. Once Matt acknowledged that fear, the tension eased. “Mom, we want you to be a big part of Ella’s life,” he told her. “But being part of her life means working with us, not around us.”
Hearing this softened Beth. “I just don’t want her to grow up and forget about us,” she admitted. It was a vulnerable moment that shifted the dynamic.
Clarifying Roles and Expectations
We also worked on clarifying roles in a way that honored Beth and Tom’s desire to be involved without undermining Sarah and Matt’s authority. This meant defining specific “grandparent privileges” (like special outings) while maintaining clear limits on critical parenting decisions (like nutrition and bedtime routines).
The Turning Point
The breakthrough came during a family dinner when Ella reached for a cookie before finishing her vegetables. Beth glanced at Sarah, and for a moment, everyone held their breath. Then Beth said, “Ella, let’s save that cookie for after dinner, okay?”
It was a small gesture but a monumental shift. Sarah later said, “That moment told me she was really trying. She didn’t have to agree with us 100%, but she respected our decision—and that meant the world.”
The New Dynamic
The Deptulas’ story didn’t end with perfect harmony, but it did end with progress. Beth and Tom learned to appreciate their new role as grandparents—not second parents, but a vital part of Ella’s support system. They started finding joy in the little things: reading bedtime stories, sharing silly jokes, and watching Ella’s face light up when she ran into their arms.
For Sarah and Matt, the lesson was equally profound. Setting boundaries didn’t mean cutting Beth and Tom out—it meant inviting them into a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.
A Message for Families Facing the "Grandparent Boundary Backlash"
Generational clashes like this aren’t about who’s right or wrong—they’re about navigating change with empathy and intention. Grandparents, your love and involvement are irreplaceable. Parents, your boundaries are a gift to your child and your family’s future.
When both sides listen and adjust, it’s possible to create a family dynamic where boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re bridges. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll all laugh about it together someday—preferably over dessert, after dinner.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.