The Gottman relationship checkup and other relationship questions
Friday, May 17, 2024. revised and updated.
Every relationship is a tapestry of two stories waiting to be told.
The importance of asking the right relationship questions before starting couples therapy cannot be overstated.
This blog post explores essential assessment tools, such as the Gottman Relationship Checkup and my Family of Origin (FOO) interview process, to highlight why these questions are crucial for effective therapy.
Challenging Common Misconceptions in Couples Therapy
Couples often enter therapy with preconceived notions—ideas that seem like common sense but can be misleading. One such belief is, “If we could just solve this one problem, we’d be happy.” However, as I often say, there is no common sense in science-based couples therapy; there is only science.
Content vs. Process in Couples Therapy
Many couples therapists shy away from discussing their own power dynamics. Choosing the right therapist is critical because the belief that solving problems will fix everything is a common misconception. In reality, 69% of relationship issues are perpetual and cannot be solved but managed skillfully. Couples often struggle with this concept, seeking to identify a "bad guy" and emerge as the "sensible spouse." However, we focus less on what you struggle with and more on how you engage with these struggles.
The Art of Marital Assessment
Science-based couples therapy hinges on asking the right relationship questions during the assessment phase. Unlike coaching, which often focuses on immediate problems, couples therapy delves into core issues and the conversations surrounding them. Various tools, such as the Locke-Wallace Marital Adjustment Test, the Weiss-Cerreto Marital Status Inventory, the SCL-90, and domestic violence scales, have been historically used.
The Gottman Relationship Checkup: A Modern Assessment Tool
The Gottman Institute developed the Gottman Relationship Checkup to streamline the assessment process. Dr. Leonie Balter noted that many therapists lacked the time for thorough assessments. This tool offers a low-cost, efficient solution, providing personalized clinical feedback and suggesting specific interventions based on the couple’s responses. Completing the Gottman Relationship Checkup typically takes 1-2 hours.
Best Practices for Marital Assessment Questionnaires
Like the Gottman Relationship Checkup, I use the EFT attachment history (Family of Origin) protocol. When I was with CTI, I used The Big Big Book, another extensive assessment tool that takes a couple of hours to complete. Here are some best practices for tackling relationship questions:
Start When You're Rested and Ready: Avoid starting if you’re tired, irritable, or hungry.
Pace Yourself: Don’t try to complete it in one sitting. Work on it in segments to avoid frustration.
Avoid Discussing the Process with Your Spouse: Keep the process clean and uninfluenced by your partner.
The Role of Assessment in Couples Therapy
Effective couples therapy begins with a thorough assessment. Tools like the Gottman Relationship Checkup and the EFT-based FOO interview help therapists understand your issues and assess your suitability for therapy. Unlike general practitioners who dive in without proper knowledge, a well-conducted assessment ensures a structured and meaningful treatment plan.
Essential Relationship Questions in the Gottman Relationship Checkup
A hallmark of effective couples therapy is a careful and thorough assessment. Relationship questions are crucial for understanding your dynamics and guiding the treatment plan. Here are seven critical questions we seek answers to in Gottman Couples Therapy:
Where are you both right now in your marriage?
What is the nature of your marital friendship?
What is your Sentiment Override? Is it positive?
How good are you at self-soothing and regulating emotional responses?
What is the nature of your conflict, and how do you manage it?
How do you honor your life dreams and create shared meaning?
What external forces impede your ability to change?
Relationship Questions: A Foundation for Effective Therapy
Relationship questions are not just intellectual exercises; they have an emotional impact.
Answering these questions can be therapeutic even before formal therapy begins. Tools like the Big Big Book and the Gottman Relationship Checkup facilitate a deep understanding of your relationship, paving the way for a structured and effective treatment plan.
Final thoughts
Asking relationship questions before therapy begins is essential for devising an effective treatment plan. A thorough assessment process helps therapists build a therapeutic alliance based on curiosity and respect. Remember, a good therapist knows that the intervention begins with understanding your story and asking the right questions is the first step.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
