The Foggy Mirror Effect: How an Unclear Sense of Self Leads to Bad Dating Choices

Friday, March 14, 2025.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have a knack for picking the wrong romantic partners? The answer might not lie in bad luck or poor judgment but rather in something much deeper: an unclear sense of self.

A new study published in Self & Identity suggests that individuals with low self-concept clarity (SCC) tend to be less selective in romantic partner evaluations—particularly when assessing less compatible matches.

In other words, the less you understand yourself, the more likely you are to settle for a partner who doesn’t actually “fit.”

Why Does Compatibility Matter?

Romantic relationships play a significant role in overall well-being, and research consistently shows that compatibility—how well two people align in values, personality, and attitudes—is a key predictor of relationship success. The smoother and more positive the interactions, the stronger and more fulfilling the relationship.

But here’s the catch: Evaluating compatibility requires a clear understanding of oneself. If you don’t know who you are, how can you judge whether someone else is a good match?

The Study: A Deep Dive into Self-Concept Clarity and Romantic Choices

Researchers Dita Kubin and colleagues explored whether individuals with lower SCC are less discerning when assessing romantic partners. Prior research had already established that low SCC affects decision-making in consumer choices, but this study was the first to examine its role in dating.

To test this, they conducted four studies with a total of 758 single participants (ages 18-40) recruited from Amazon Mechanical Turk (MTurk) and a Canadian university. Participants first completed a Self-Concept Clarity Scale to measure how confidently they understood their own personality, values, and beliefs. A self-esteem scale was also included to ensure self-concept clarity was measured independently from self-worth.

Afterward, participants rated themselves on various personality traits and attitudes. They were then presented with a series of fictitious dating profiles containing gender-neutral silhouettes, generic personal details, and key personality traits that were systematically varied based on similarity. Participants were led to believe these were real profiles and were asked to rate each one in terms of attraction and perceived compatibility.

What Did They Find?

Across all four studies, the results were strikingly consistent:

• People with lower SCC rated less similar potential partners more positively than those with higher SCC.

• Individuals with higher SCC were more selective, strongly preferring partners with high similarity and being more likely to rule out dissimilar matches.

• SCC had no impact on how participants rated highly similar profiles—both high- and low-SCC individuals found these appealing.

In Study 4, researchers added a new measure: certainty in partner evaluations. They found that those with lower SCC were not only less selective but also less confident in their choices. This suggests that a weak sense of self leads to greater ambiguity in romantic decision-making.

Adding Layers: How Other Research Weighs In

While Kubin et al.'s study offers compelling evidence that self-concept clarity influences dating decisions, other studies provide complementary or contrasting insights.

• The Attachment Factor: Research by Slotter & Gardner (2009) suggests that individuals with Anxious Attachment styles tend to have lower SCC and, like Kubin's participants, struggle with selective partner evaluations. This implies that underlying attachment insecurities may play a role in broadening one’s dating pool beyond ideal matches (Slotter & Gardner, 2009).

• SCC and Relationship Satisfaction: Campbell et al. (2010) found that individuals with higher SCC report greater relationship satisfaction and stability over time. This suggests that not only does SCC influence initial partner selection, but it also plays a role in maintaining fulfilling long-term relationships (Campbell et al., 2010).

• The Online Dating Wildcard: Another study by Hall, Park, Song, & Cody (2010) indicates that SCC also affects decision-making in online dating. People with low SCC are more likely to change their profile descriptions based on perceived desirability, further underscoring the role of self-concept in partner selection.

These studies reinforce Kubin’s findings while adding nuance. Low SCC doesn’t just make someone less selective—it also makes them more prone to external influence in both dating preferences and self-presentation.

The Implications: Know Thyself Before You Swipe Right

If you often find yourself drawn to partners who ultimately don’t “click,” it might not be a problem with dating apps, chemistry, or fate—it might be that your own self-concept clarity needs work. When you’re unclear on who you are, your standards for compatibility become blurry, leading you to be more open to partners who might not actually be a good fit.

Conversely, when you have a well-defined sense of self, you’re more confident in knowing what you need and want in a partner. This makes you more selective in a way that benefits your long-term happiness.

Limitations and Future Directions

Of course, no study is perfect.

One limitation of this research is its reliance on artificial dating profiles, which don’t fully capture real-world interactions.

In real life, factors like physical attraction, communication style, and social context play significant roles in partner selection. Future studies could explore whether SCC affects in-person dating experiences as strongly as online evaluations.

Another interesting avenue for research would be exploring whether SCC shifts over time within relationships.

Do people with low SCC develop greater clarity through experience, or does unclear self-concept contribute to relationship instability? Longitudinal studies could provide more insight into these evolving dynamics.

Final Thoughts: Clarity is Sexy

A well-defined sense of self is more than just a personal virtue—it’s a dating superpower.

Before diving headfirst into romance, take time to understand yourself.

What are your core values? What kind of partner truly complements your personality? The clearer you are about these things, the better equipped you’ll be to make choices that lead to lasting happiness.

So before you open that dating app again, ask yourself: Do I really know who I am? If the answer is a hesitant “not really,” maybe it’s time to focus on self-discovery before searching for a soulmate.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Campbell, W. K., Assanand, S., & Di Paula, A. (2010). The role of self-concept clarity in relationship satisfaction and stability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(4), 717-726.

Hall, J. A., Park, N., Song, H., & Cody, M. J. (2010). Strategic misrepresentation in online dating: The effects of gender, self-monitoring, and personality traits. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(1), 117-135.

Kubin, D., Kreitewolf, J., & Lydon, J. E. (2024). Ruling out potential dating partners: The role of self-concept clarity in initial romantic partner evaluations. Self & Identity.

Slotter, E. B., & Gardner, W. L. (2009). The impact of self-concept clarity on relationship outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(4), 736-748.