The Flirting Paradox: Why Anothers’ Attention to Your Partner Can Cool Your Desire

Monday, October 14, 2024.

Choosing a partner is one of life’s most consequential decisions, profoundly impacting one’s future trajectory and quality of life.

The search itself presents numerous challenges, from the time investment required to the risk of deception or misjudgment.

So, it’s no wonder humans have developed strategies to help identify good potential partners while minimizing effort and risk.

One common approach is to observe how others respond to a potential mate.

Have you ever found someone more attractive after seeing them receive positive attention? This phenomenon, known as “mate choice copying,” occurs in both humans and animals.

It’s a shortcut we use to identify desirable partners.

Research has consistently shown that when people see others desire a potential partner, they tend to find that person more attractive. It’s as if they are thinking, “If others desire them, they must be worth pursuing.”

But there’s a fascinating twist: This evaluation process doesn’t stop once people are in a relationship.

People continue to assess their partner’s value, often influenced by how attractive others find them. However, the meaning of others’ attention may change within the context of a committed relationship.

When you are single, seeing others interested in a potential partner might make that person seem more desirable.

But what happens when you see others flirting with your current partner? Does it have the same effect, or does it trigger something entirely different, as it may signal a risk of losing your partner to someone else?

This is the question at the heart of some recent research. Researchers wanted to understand how unsolicited attention from others towards a current partner affects desire and relationship maintenance efforts.

Did it make people desire their partner more, or does it perhaps make them wary of potential threats to the relationship, leading them to react defensively?

How the studies were conducted

Researchers conducted three experiments to explore what happens in people’s minds and hearts when others show interest in their current partner.

In all studies, participants in committed relationships were exposed to situations where their partner either received unsolicited flirtatious advances (external attention condition) or had a neutral interaction with another person (control condition).

Participants then rated their sexual desire for their partner, their interest in engaging in relationship-maintaining efforts, such as taking on a chore for their partner, and their interest in deterring the rivals who hit on their partner.

In each study, researchers relied on a different method to manipulate exposure to the external attention given to the partner. In the first study, participants visualized a scenario where someone else showed interest in their partner (without reciprocation) or interacted neutrally with the partner.

For example, one participant described the external attention scenario this way: “We’re at our go-to bar, and out of nowhere, this stunning girl starts eyeing my guy. I’m thrown off, asking him, ‘Who is she?’ It’s weird ‘cause he’s like, ‘No clue.’ But it feels off, you know? Stuff like this doesn’t just happen. Who is she, and what’s the story?”

In the second study, researchers wanted to create a realistic but controlled environment to study reactions to unwanted attention towards a romantic partner. They turned to the immersive power of virtual reality (VR).

Imagine this: participants in our study put on VR headsets and were transported to a bustling bar.

They watched their real-life partners interact with a virtual stranger, who either flirted with their partner or remained neutral. This innovative use of VR allowed researchers to create a safe environment to study the very real emotions of jealousy and possessiveness – without anyone actually coming to blow over a beer!

In their third study, researchers shifted from imagined scenarios to real-life experiences. 

Participants were asked to recall and describe a past episode in their relationship where someone had either expressed unreciprocated interest in their partner or had interacted with their partner in a neutral manner.

For example, one participant recounted the experience like this: “We’re out in Tel Aviv when, suddenly, this guy comes up and asks for my girlfriend’s number. I’m annoyed, like, who does he think he is!? My girlfriend shuts him down fast, but my mind is already racing. What if she liked him? Could I lose her? Maybe she would be happier?”

What did they find?

People reacted to unsolicited attention given to their partner by feeling less desire for their partner, showing reduced interest in investing in the relationship, and becoming more interested in thwarting potential rivals.

So why does this happen?

The meaning you attach to others’ attention changes once you’re committed to someone.

When you’re single, external interest in a potential partner can serve as a valuable cue to their desirability. But in a committed relationship, that same attention may be perceived as a threat.

The fear of losing a partner can trigger a cascade of defensive reactions.

To shield ourselves from potential pain, we might create emotional distance and withdraw investment in the relationship, hoping to soften the blow if our fears materialize.

At the same time, the anger ignited by others’ interest in our partner can manifest as confrontation towards these perceived rivals. These reactions, however, may be rooted more in retaliation than in genuine efforts to maintain the relationship.

What is the takeaway?

While some people might try to induce jealousy in their partner by seeking attention from others to feel more desired or secure, this research shows this tactic often backfires. Instead of strengthening the relationship, it might damage the very connection it aims to enhance. Yikes!

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gouda-Vossos, A., Nakagawa, S., Dixson, B. J., & Brooks, R. C. (2018). Mate choice copying in humans: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Adaptive Human Behavior and Physiology, 4, 364–386.

Burch, R. L., Moran, J. B., & Wade, T. J. (2021). The reproductive priming effect revisited: Mate poaching, mate copying, or both? Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 15(3), 251–264.

Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Slotter, E. B., & Luchies, L. B. (2021). Sexual desire mediates the relationship-promoting effects of perceived partner mate value. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50, 3733–3755.

Birnbaum, G. E., Friedman, D., Zholtack, K., Gilad, N., Bergman, N., Pollak, D., & Reis, H. T. (in press). When your partner is being flirted with: The impact of unsolicited attention on perceived partner desirability and mate retention efforts. The Journal of Sex Research.

Mattingly, B. A., Whitson, D., & Mattingly, M. J. B. (2012). Development of the Romantic Jealousy-Induction Scale and the Motives for Inducing Romantic Jealousy Scale. Current Psychology, 31(3), 263–281.