The Covert Narcissist husband…7 tell-tale signs
June, 10, 2024. From the first Couples Therapy Inc. blog.
What is a Covert Narcissist Husband?
In this post, I’ll describe both the 5 traits of a covert narcissist as well as subtypes and how these traits show up in marriage.
We’ll talk about why the covert narcissist is so hard to recognize because their wives complain that they appear so “nice” and “humble” and even anxious to please.
They seem to care about what other people think of them and they appear so helpful, and yet the Covert Narcissist is just a less happy and more complicated version of the NPD.
In a previous post, I’ve discussed the problem of narcissistic personality disorders.
It’s a mistake to think that all narcissism is characterized by a larger-than-life expansive grandiosity. This blatant and overt narcissism isn’t the only expression of this personality disorder.
The Covert Narcissist Marriage is not like other narcissistic marital dynamics. Clinicians don’t tend to see the flamboyant attention-seeking, charisma, or the natural and easy charm of the typical narcissist.
However, not all narcissists are openly expansive and hungry for dominance or adulation. The Covert Narcissist, (sometimes described as the closet, vulnerable, or hypersensitive narcissist) is a particularly toxic, introverted, (some erroneously would say camouflaged) form of narcissism.
Although it is more subtle and doesn’t seek the limelight, Covert Narcissism is particularly toxic because of its preoccupation with being criticized.
The Covert Narcissist doesn’t telegraph their superiority. They are more reserved and aloof, and deeply insecure.
Because attempting to connect with others is so inherently difficult, the covert narcissist marriage is characterized by a variety of defensive mechanisms designed to keep people away. Their social circle may be narrow and predicated on mutual interests. These social activities may also aid them in enacting their secret sense of self-importance.
As you can imagine, a Covert Narcissist Marriage is often a lonely place for their partners.
The covert narcissist marriage dynamic
Covert Narcissists tend to be quiet, and self-contained, often bestowing minimal attention on their spouses.
Empathy is not an active feature of a Covert Narcissist Marriage. The Covert Narcissist Marriage dynamic will not allow room for a dialogue about their partner’s thoughts and feelings. Even when their spouses make bids for attention, and complain about their loneliness, the Covert Narcissist will always turn the conversation back to their exclusive singular focus…themselves.
Another salient aspect of the Covert Narcissist Marriage is a heaping dollop of passive aggression. Their spouse may plead for consideration, while the Covert Narcissist will offer vague promises and annoyed reassurances. But they rarely follow through.
The one issue that defines a Covert Narcissist Marriage is in the way the notion of criticism is handled by the Covertly Narcissistic spouse.
Covert Narcissists are extremely critical, but paradoxically, they cannot abide criticism themselves.
This is couples therapy quicksand for the generalist therapist.
The notions of a softened start-up followed by a feeling state, and a proposed solution, with an invitation to a fair and open dialogue, may fail in a spectacular fashion.
In the face of any perceived criticism, Covert Narcissists will either become smug, or belligerent.
Then they skulk off into a sullen and moody withdrawal. It’s not unusual for a spouse, particularly in the early months of a Covert Narcissist Marriage, to be utterly perplexed by their spouse’s abrupt tendency to withdraw whenever a behavioral change is carefully and courteously requested.
The Covert Narcissist marriage and the perplexing problem of perfectionism
The pride-shame split…the terror of not being good enough.
We know that people with NPD have a “pride-shame” split. At their emotional core, these people are deeply wounded.
They are terrified that they are not good enough. They fear they are fundamentally unlovable.
Consequently, particularly in the light of failed expectations, they work overtime to foster an image of superiority upon the world, (and in their Covert Narcissist Marriage) with a relentless effort to compensate for their unspoken, underlying insecurities.
For the Covert Narcis’s tendency to project a superior demeanor emerges under perceived stress. They tend not to lead with it. This is the essential difference between the Covert and Overt Narcissist.
Logan Nealis commented on the socially toxic behavior of the Covert Narcissist:
“If you have elevated expectations of someone, that may well be a positive thing—if it’s paired with a warm, nurturing interpersonal style. But grand expectations paired with feelings of grandiosity and entitlement to the perfect performance of others creates a much more negative combination.”
Dr. Sherry, one of the study’s co-authors, weighed in with a similar assessment:
“We may be characterizing a problem of our times. It may very well be that we live in an age of entitlement where grandiose demands are often made in everyday life. Narcissistic perfectionists have a need for other people to satisfy their unreasonable expectations… And if you don’t, they get angry.
The Covert Narcissist holds themselves aloof from the riffraff. They are God’s special creatures. They have a toxic mixture of extreme entitlement and nosebleed lofty expectations of their spouses, children, and others as well.
Researcher Logan Nealis, the lead author of a recent study on Narcissists, offers an example of the pursuit of perfection:
“A narcissistic perfectionist parent demands perfect performance from his daughter on the hockey rink, but not necessarily from anyone else out there. They’re getting a sense of vitality or self-esteem through the perfect performance of other people, and they bask in that glow vicariously.”
How The Study Was Conducted
Logan’s research had an interesting design. For this research, students were asked to keep 28-day diaries.
The results revealed that narcissistic perfectionists were socially toxic. Dr. Simon Sherry, who also worked on the study, reported on the findings:
“Our most consistent finding across the two studies is that narcissistic perfectionism is associated with social negativity in the form of anger, derogation, conflict and hostility…When you look at what appears to be happening between the ears of a narcissistic perfectionist, you see they’re thinking really negative, hostile, critical things about other people”
The Covert Narcissist expends a vast amount of emotional energy propping up a high degree of self-worth:
Essentially conveying,” I’m perfectly awesome, and you’re not. Therefore, you’re defective and a poor reflection on me.”
The study’s authors analyzed the biographies of famous narcissistic perfectionists, including former Apple CEO, Steve Jobs:
“According to one biography, [Jobs] expected perfection from others in an entitled, demanding, and hyper-critical manner. Employees reported going from ‘hero to zero’ in Jobs’ estimation after even minor mistakes; employees also noted Jobs routinely derogated them in front of co-workers.”
Along with these overt characteristics, Jobs certainly had what many professional psychologists believe to be at the root of all Narcissistic Personality Disorders, including Covert Narcissism, a fundamentally insecure sense of self.
Making them more aware of the impact [their actions] ultimately have on others might—(keyword, “might”)—spark change.”
Criticism may spike covert narcissist aggression.
Spouses who possess healthy self-esteem will respond well to a softened start-up. They are not particularly triggered by a marital complaint.
But Covert Narcissists are deeply invested in their brittle self-image. They cannot abide criticism in any way, shape, or form.
The Covert Narcissist feels entitled, exploits, and lacks empathy
Any spousal complaints will usually result in a curt, aggressive, and dismissive response.
In this study on criticism and narcissistic aggression, psychologists measured the self-esteem, narcissism, and aggressive behavior of 540 undergraduate students. They found that the students with more pronounced narcissistic traits tended to lash out more often when facing criticism verbally.
The study’s authors write:
“Narcissists mainly want to punish or defeat someone who has threatened their highly favorable views of themselves. People who are preoccupied with validating a grandiose self-image apparently find criticism highly upsetting and lash out against the source of it.”
Folks with a healthy self-esteem do not become more aggressive towards others when criticized.
Covert Narcissists, however, find the threat to their ego too great a risk to leave unchallenged. The Covert Narcissist Marriage is one of constant deflection and dismissiveness.
The seeds of narcissism tend to be sown at a young age, said Professor Brad J. Bushman, the study’s first author:
“…if kids begin to develop unrealistically optimistic opinions of themselves and those beliefs are constantly rejected by others, their feelings of self-love could make these kids potentially dangerous to those around them.”
If provoking the narcissist sounds dangerous, then another method of identifying the narcissist is to ask them. Professor Bushman, speaking about a previous study, explained:
“People who are willing to admit they are more narcissistic than others probably actually are more narcissistic. People who are narcissists are almost proud of the fact. You can ask them directly because they don’t see narcissism as a negative quality — they believe they are superior to other people and are fine with saying that publicly.”
Covert Narcissists can be frank and direct about their superior self-image and exacting standards. They’re just not as flamboyantly open about it as conventional narcissists.
They project and pursue perfection desperately to keep their demons at bay. They suffer from an unusually brittle and fragile sense of self and sometimes cannot hide it.
The covert narcissist marriage is a criticism spiraling ever outward.
Spouses have an impossible task of requesting behavioral changes in a Covert narcissistic marriage. They often seek individual or couple therapy to help them more effectively engage with their rigid, perfectionistic spouse.
Are there 3 kinds of covert narcissism?
Psychiatrist Dr. Addul Saad in Sydney Australia describes 3 kinds of covert narcissism:
The lowest level is the Hypersensitive Introvert. This level is deemed the least pathological. They have a core need to be accepted and recognized. They are negativistic, sensitive to criticism, withdrawing to lick their wounds. Most Covert Narcissist marriages function at this level. When activated, they oscillate between self-loathing and anger toward others who have thwarted their greatness. For the Hypersensitive Introvert, job one is giving up or at least curbing the tendency toward harboring a victim mentality.
If they fail to do that, they may become an Envious Scapegoater. Shifting from feeling inadequate, to wanting to get even. Now they blame others for their victimhood and unfulfilled promise. These are the long-suffering outcasts marinated in envy and hostility. Unlike the Hypersensitive Introvert, the Scapegoater finds a blameworthy scapegoat (spouse, child..etc.) the key idea is that they are proximal and willing to endure the spite and malice of the scapegoater. The scapegoater is now highly skilled at displacing their aggression.
As envy builds, so do self-defeating behaviors. personal responsibility is not worth the cost of surrendering victimhood. Because the Covert Narcissists demean, malign, and frustrate others, some Covert Narcissists become Punitive Avengers. This is a dangerous admixture of narcissism and psychopathy.
Punitive Avengers are delusional …exacting revenge, and punishing perceived enemies. A bad outcome such as a job loss, or relationship breakup could result in a violent psychic break.
Closet Narcissism
Another form of narcissism is closet narcissism, which is essentially covert in its expression. These men are often empty shells or what might be called “empty suits” who look to other people to fill their sense of selves. These marriages are often long-term because despite the wives feeling drained and unhappy, they simply can’t articulate what’s wrong.
Closet narcissist husbands are often prickly pears, hyper-sensitive, and perhaps less keenly aware of their need to dominate by manipulating others. Nevertheless, the behavior leaves their spouses feeling off-balance or inadequate.
All narcissists demonstrate confidence and superior bearing. The extroverted narcissist can often be blatantly in your face about their giftedness. But unlike the open narcissist, the covert narcissist husband is more subtle and indirect in displaying his superiority. He expects people to tell him he’s special, rather than having to toot his own horn.
I have the privilege of working with extraordinarily successful, prominent couples. Many of the men we see have concrete reasons to be proud of their achievements and project an air of confidence. But when does feeling good about yourself spill over to covert narcissism?
3 Essential traits of a clinical covert narcissist husband
Passive-Aggression. Clinical Covert Narcissist husbands are heavily passive-aggressive. Like the blatant narcissist, they may feign interest in what their wives want. However, they’ll seldom spontaneously show interest in a sincere or sustained way.
They’ll “forget” their wife’s work weekend trip (planned months in advance…) and “accidentally” plan a fishing trip he’s “really been looking forward to.” With a long-suffering tone, he’ll agree to cancel HIS event “as a favor to help her career” and stay with the children, “sacrificing” his fun. Without ever saying so, his wife will simply stop planning weekend trips, especially for pleasure, because she feels his covert misery.
Covert Narcissist husbands conveniently forget spousal requests but make no effort to correct the mistake. Or they’ll complete the job incompetently. When confronted with their behavior, they whine that their wife is being “too picky,” or “OCD” in expecting a competent performance, imply she’s a nag, or mope as he attempts to “meet her demanding standards.”
In the face of failed expectations, he’ll provide some half-hearted, self-serving explanation of why he didn’t follow through. His wife feels his resentment, but it remains unspoken. He exhibits no active joy in her company or desire to celebrate her or their love.
Don’t look for Outward Supreme Self-Possession because the Smugness/Superiority is Hidden. Blatant in-your-face narcissist husbands are obvious. You can see them coming. They crave attention and demand approval. Covert Narcissist husbands may be sly and much harder to spot. They keenly observe, evaluate, and often silently render abrupt and sometimes merciless judgment.
They ruminate about how they aren’t adequately “appreciated.” They have an air of being “absent” or demonstrate bored disdain. But when asked directly: “Is something wrong?” they’ll deny it.
When provoked, they’ll spew a litany of withheld resentments, and cruel comments which shock their unsuspecting partners. But moments later, the covert narcissist husband will accuse you of being so hostile he sometimes “just can’t take it” and has to “give it back to you.”
Covert Narcissist parent
Not only with you, but even with his children, he seldom makes genuine eye contact. He engages in narcissistic parenting, claiming the children just don’t “like him” as much as they like you. His statement justifies his parental withdrawal in preference for hobbies or more solitary pursuits. He will complain that even the dog hates him.
The fate of the covert narcissist is to keep track of the folly of others to ease the imagined “unfair judgments” leveled at him by those same people. He’ll exhibit contemptuous behavior such as smirking, stifled mocking laughter, or eye-rolling. But that’s reserved for private interactions. In public, he’s a stellar husband and proves it to anyone who’s watching.
As a young man, the covert narcissist was punished for speaking his truth. Now he simply refuses.
The good spouse
The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or “helpful” demeanor. He learned this pattern early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing parent. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is, in contrast to you, being a “good spouse.”
He substitutes superficial “niceness” in place of genuine honesty and emotional involvement. He doesn’t tell you what he really thinks (until he does…) unlike you who is “mean” to him. He’s too “considerate.”
He takes your “abuse” but is hurt by it. And you, as the wife, end up carrying all the anger around inside you, feeling frustrated and upset by the on-again-off-again style of “engage-ignore.” When he wants you, he’s hurt if you are unavailable. If you want him, you’ll pick up from his behavior that this isn’t the best time. What he wants, he won’t say. Try and be an “angel” and you’ll fall short. He’s not going to trust that “act.” He knows how “mean” you are and how wary he must be of you. And you are left wondering how you can be nicer to him, so he’ll like you more.
The “helpful” Covert Narcissist husband
His “helping,” however, is to boost his sense of self more than an organic acceptance of adult living. Wives are often confused that their covert husbands can be so helpful and so resentful at the same time. Or can “help” while somehow managing to create more work for her. He may complete promised tasks 80% of the time, but that last 20% will be unpredictable. And he’ll resent you for mentioning it and point out how critical you are of him. He can’t do anything to please you.
Impeccable hyper-sensitivity
Covert Narcissist husbands have an impeccable hyper-sensitivity. They will take offense to criticism real or imagined. They bristle at any suggestion that they have failed in any way, even when they clearly have. At the extreme end of the narcissistic continuum, these husbands can be extremely emotionally abusive. Wives may feel emotionally abused but are told they are being emotionally abusive.
A wife’s reasonable demands for love, attention, engagement, and sex can be relabeled as cloying, never satisfied, demanding, and overbearing. Your covert narcissistic husband claims that he has been wronged by you if you dare complain about him. And he’ll remind you of all he has done, and how little you’ve appreciated it.
The wives are left asking themselves: “Was I ungrateful? I thought I complimented him…a lot actually…”
Their most obvious narcissistic traits are to be witheringly dismissive but in a way that’s hard to put your finger on. Even attempting to identify the expression will be met with complete denial. Or he will skulk off into sullen silence and withdrawal which could go on for days or even weeks. They tend not to comment on how upset they are, preferring to be perfectly self-contained and aloof. Don’t ask the covert narcissist how you’ve offended him. He expects you to not only know but to see how obvious your transgressions are. When he feels any imagined attack, he attacks back.
Utter and complete self-absorption
It’s sometimes easy to confuse the Covert Narcissist husband with a garden variety introvert. Here is the essential difference:
Introverts may be quiet, but they are fully capable of bestowing attention and paying careful attention. They can love freely and ask good questions.
A covert narcissist husband, in contrast, is a reliably poor listener.
They pay far more attention to their own relentlessly evaluative inner dialogue. They make a quick real-time assessment of a person or situation. When it captures their attention, they can be delightful company. When it doesn’t, it clear that they deem it dull, stupid, or beneath their attention.
Children are acutely aware of this “on-again/off-again” parental switch, and like intermittent reinforcement, hungrily try to hold their father’s attention. When he is disengaged (not that they were particularly engaged in the first place) his empty presence is felt. And instead of sharing this evaluation, they simply won’t ask questions, act annoyed, and walk away absentmindedly in the middle of your sentence.
Vitamin E deficit
All clinical narcissists have a lack of empathy for others. And a sense of entitlement. Even when their wives complain about the negative impact of their husband’s behaviors, their Covert Narcissist husbands somehow manage to shift the discussion back to his own needs or accomplishments. Or get rageful.
Their wives’ unhappiness is a personal injury to them, an intolerable judgment that they hostily reject. The sentiment seems to be: “You can’t be unhappy with me. That offends me and hurts my feelings!”
If you feel like it’s challenging to talk about your own feelings without the conversation turning around to him, you’re witnessing the empathy deficit. And if you are expected to simply “know” what he’s thinking, feeling, or needing, you’re experiencing the mind-reading that is linked to his feelings of deep entitlement.
If he withholds vital information from you, it is because he “knows” how you’ll react and doesn’t want to “hear it.” His internal ruminations trump whatever real-world thoughts or feelings you may actually have. He doesn’t have to ask you, he already knows.
Clinical and sub-clinical types
Are all displays of narcissism bad? Not according to research. If narcissism is on a continuum, those in the more “normal” range of behavior can bring desirable traits to the relationship, while being capable of keeping in check their own needs and desires in favor of their partners.
They have a healthy sense of self. In contrast, clinical covert narcissists have fragile self-esteem.
They project confidence but are terrified of the vulnerability and painful self-doubt they feel inside. This is one of the central overt features of the covert narcissist. The overt narcissist actually has often undeserved confidence, but they’ve learned to ignore any evidence to the contrary.
The covert narcissist, in contrast, lives with this painful awareness of being a “faker” and this awareness makes him both reactive and thin-skinned. His belief in his deep worthlessness results in a reactive need for constant reassurance, even admiration, from others. But it must be done cleverly and without being too obvious. If it’s pointed out to him that it’s normal to want to be recognized, he’ll deny it is anything HE personally craves. He’ll try to hide his desperate desires, but when the praise doesn’t come spontaneously his resentment will increase. He’ll covet it. Nurse it.
How they act that out is also more covert than their overt counterparts.
All around nice guy
What is often confusing to wives is that on the surface, this man seems like an all-around “nice guy.” He’s well-liked and outgoing in public. Everyone says so. Those ‘out of the know’ think you are the luckiest woman alive to be married to him. But they don’t live with him. They don’t feel what you feel: that he just doesn’t actually like you but won’t say so.
He considers your actions a clear demonstration that he’s made a mistake in marrying you, that you’ve let him down terribly by “criticizing” him and not appreciating his specialness. And yet, this is never said in words. But it’s a mistake you’ll feel acutely. You’ll know that he prefers to spend time doing other things rather than living with you.
But he won’t leave.
He will never be the first to divorce because he’s much too nice for that. He’ll drive you to do it, and often after 20-30 or more years married. These marriages are often long-term, and when they end in divorce, all the casual acquaintances will despair that such a “nice guy” would ever end up divorced.
Final thoughts about the Covert Narcissist marriage
Let’s not be too hard on the garden-variety Covert Narcissist.
On the hypersensitive, lower end of the spectrum, they are capable of some degree of empathy and can respond well to couples therapy, and learn to become even more empathetic and emotionally responsive.
The Covert Narcissist is compensating for a deep wound that never healed.
But they can be challenging to love, and even harder to live with.
They need an opportunity to appreciate the impact their behavior has on their families. Narcissism occurs on a continuum, and the milder forms are treatable. Envious Scapegoaters require deeper individual work, and Punitive Avengers are probably beyond the reach of psychotherapy.
Science-based couples therapy is the best way to confront a mild case, but a great many Covert Narcissists will not respond in couples therapy due to a lack of motivation and an inability to confront themselves in any meaningful way.
But Hopeful Spouse counseling with a trained science-based couples therapist can help you unpack these experiences, keep your sanity, and work toward establishing more firm, healthy boundaries…whether you stay married to your Covert Narcissist or not.
