How to Stay Stuck in Couples Therapy: A Guide for the Hopelessly Unyielding

Friday, May 17, 2024. Revised and updated.

Feeling stuck in couples therapy and want to keep it that way?

Couples therapy is just a giant irritation, right? You’re in luck! This post is for you.

Your partner, the therapist, everyone seems to expect way too much from you. After all, you're already doing the best you can, so what's the use?

Why bother with this whole “growth” thing when you can plant your feet firmly in comfortable ambivalence?

Here's your ultimate guide to ensuring you stay stuck in couples therapy in 11 easy steps:

1. Make Being Overwhelmed a Sacrament…

At the first sign of any discomfort, no matter how slight, insist that it’s all too much. You simply can’t handle it. Tell your partner and therapist that it's just too much to ask.

This is an especially effective strategy with your couples therapist, who you can probably train to be way more sympathetic to your helplessness than your spouse, who knows you too well. But if that doesn’t work, recruit your already abused partner to find a squishier therapist. But don’t trip over them…

2. Pursue Comfort at Any Cost..

Don’t let anyone deceive you by talking about your strengths. This is just a ploy to get you to accept the idea that you can change. Remember, change is painful, and only an idiot would pursue pain over comfort. Increasing your coping skills is just too stressful.

3. Hide in a Fog of Earnest Perfectionism…

Always show how earnest you are about pursuing perfectionism. Major in minor things. Elevate even the most trivial tasks into life-or-death struggles. If you can’t do it perfectly, why bother trying at all? Resist any attempts to encourage you to become more resilient and risk-tolerant. If they can’t see how important it is to be perfect, well, that’s their problem.

4. Be a Special Little Snowflake…

When unreasonable demands are made on you by your couples therapist, push back hard.

Try this on them: “You don’t understand... which surprises me because I expected that you would be a lot more empathetic. Remember, I have [fill in the blank: developmental trauma, a lousy childhood, anxiety, depression, anger issues].”

Watch your couples therapist squirm as you self-diagnose and challenge their empathy. “You’re asking way too much of me” is a great opener here. Make sure you have sad, limpid eyes and bite your lip as you ask them to feel your pain.

5. Mind Read…

Whenever you feel pressure, tell your couples therapist that their tone of voice, facial expression, or words are painfully critical to you.

Make sure to express how sure you are that your partner feels this way or that way, regardless of what they actually tell you or the therapist.

Remember, the partner that you suffer in your head is the only partner that matters.

6. Use Ambiguity to Carve Out More Space for Yourself…

It’s possible that your couples therapist might be slick enough to put you in a bind.

Ambiguous situations and therapeutic dilemmas are their specialties.

Don’t fall for this trap. If there’s even a remote chance that doing something different might not work, focus on your fear and anxiety over a potentially devastating negative outcome. Always remember that therapists are supposed to be empathetic. If you do this well, you can bamboozle them and they won’t fight you.

7. Give Them Perfect Little Crumbs….

You can’t stay stuck in couples therapy without bestowing a little false hope now and then. Avoid any real experimentation or risk-taking. But if there’s something easy you can do that suggests you’re really trying, make a big deal out of it and make sure you do it perfectly.

8. Lower Expectations. Always…

Always lower expectations. Talk about the disaster that will happen if you try and fail. Ask lots of “what if” questions. Therapists hate that. “What if I really try my best and it’s not good enough? I will feel like a failure even more than I do now.” If the therapist is smart enough to challenge you, bite your lip again and look away in anguish. “I will never please him/her, why can’t I be accepted for who I am?” is an excellent start.

9. Demand Reassurance…

Remember, you only agreed to couples therapy to get your partner off your back. You’re the real victim here. Talk about how vulnerable and exposed you feel. Demand gentleness and understanding. If you’re any good at selling this, you can slow down your couples therapist to a snail’s pace. Train your spouse and your couples therapist to accept the idea that your earnest “best efforts” are legitimately sufficient.

10. Tell Them You Just Want to be Happy…

Who can argue with wanting to be happy? Make sure you underestimate your ability to cope. Okay, so maybe things are not so great right now, but you’re going to be a lot more unhappy if you let your spouse and couples therapist push you around. Make the problem about not being loved, appreciated, and accepted for the marvelously flawed human being that you are. “Please let me be happy and lower your expectations” is a winning way to stay stuck in couples therapy.

11. Never Accept Responsibility… Never!

Remember, it’s your partner’s unreasonable expectations, failed earlier relationships, co-dependency because of their alcoholic parent, problematic childhood, etc., that is the real source of your marital issues. Remind the therapist that they promised not to take sides. Push the idea that the blame lies with your partner’s unreasonable demands and chronic mood swings. A great way to stay stuck in couples therapy is to present yourself as earnest, hard-working, chronically misunderstood and prevailed upon.

At the First Mention of Responsibility... Sigh Loudly and Often

But always admit that there are some things you could do better. “If you could help me be more patient and understand why she/he is so demanding, that would be a great help,” is a useful dodge.

Final Thoughts

So there you have it—11 surefire ways to stay stuck in couples therapy and avoid any of that pesky personal growth nonsense.

Remember, the goal here is to stay as comfortably unhappy as possible.

Growth is overrated. Embrace your stuckness with pride, and let your partner and therapist do all the heavy lifting. Who needs progress when you can have comfortable ambivalence?

Be Well, Stay Stuck, and Godspeed.