Splitting vs. Switching: Understanding Emotional Shifts in Narcissists and Borderlines

Friday, October 11, 2024.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may have experienced sudden and confusing shifts in their behavior.

One minute, they seem loving and idealizing you; the next, they might be angry or distant. These intense emotional changes can be difficult to navigate, leaving you wondering what just happened.

Two psychological mechanisms that explain these behaviors are splitting and switching. While both are common in personality disorders, they represent different aspects of emotional instability.

Understanding the difference between splitting and switching can shed light on the underlying dynamics at play and offer guidance on how to handle these intense moments.

What Is Splitting?

Splitting is a defense mechanism primarily associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD), though it can appear in other personality disorders, including NPD. Splitting occurs when people or situations are perceived in extreme, black-and-white terms. Someone is either "all good" or "all bad," with no room for nuance or complexity.

For example, someone with BPD might idolize a person, viewing them as perfect, only to abruptly flip and see them as completely flawed after a perceived slight.

This intense emotional shift is driven by fears of abandonment or rejection, making relationships feel unstable and unpredictable. Splitting is not just an emotional response but a cognitive distortion where the person's mind struggles to hold contradictory thoughts or feelings at the same time.

Research by Otto Kernberg (1967), a pioneer in object relations theory, explained that splitting in BPD is rooted in early attachment disruptions.

These folks often grow up with inconsistent caregivers, leading them to struggle with integrating the positive and negative aspects of themselves and others. As a result, their relationships become fragmented and volatile, making it hard for them to maintain consistent emotions or views about others.

What Is Switching?

While splitting is about how some folks perceive themselves or others in extreme terms, switching refers to the sudden emotional and behavioral changes that accompany these cognitive distortions.

Switching is more of an outward, observable shift—such as going from idealization to rage or from calmness to emotional chaos—often triggered by a specific event like criticism, rejection, or a threat to their self-esteem.

In narcissists, switching typically occurs when their inflated sense of self is threatened, resulting in narcissistic rage or emotional withdrawal. For example, a narcissist might seem charming and confident until someone criticizes them, at which point they "switch" to anger or even depression as their fragile ego is damaged.

In people with borderline personality disorder, switching can happen when their intense fear of abandonment or rejection is triggered. They might go from loving someone to despising them in an instant, driven by their inability to manage these conflicting emotions.

Key Differences Between Splitting and Switching

While both splitting and switching are interconnected, they operate on different levels:

• Splitting is a cognitive distortion. It affects how folks with BPD or NPD think about and perceive others, shifting between idealization and devaluation.

• Switching is more about behavioral and emotional shifts. It's the sudden change in mood or action that follows the emotional trigger. For example, after perceiving someone as "bad" due to splitting, a person might switch to behaviors like yelling, withdrawing, or becoming angry.

The Science Behind Splitting and Switching

Both splitting and switching are rooted in emotional dysregulation, where these folks struggle to manage their emotions in a healthy, balanced way.

Studies show that people with BPD and NPD have hyperactive emotional responses, particularly when faced with situations that trigger feelings of rejection or criticism.

Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder

In people with BPD, splitting often stems from attachment issues and a lack of mentalization, which is the ability to understand the mental states of others.

A study by Fonagy et al. (2002) found that those with BPD have difficulty recognizing the perspectives of others, which contributes to their all-or-nothing thinking.

The brain also plays a significant role in these emotional shifts.

Research by Donegan et al. (2003) shows that folks with BPD experience amygdala hyperactivity, meaning their brain's emotional response center is overactive, especially in situations involving perceived rejection. This heightened response makes it difficult for them to regulate their emotions, leading to the rapid shifts seen in switching.

Switching in Narcissistic Personality Disorder

For narcissists, switching is often triggered by ego threats—situations that challenge their inflated self-image.

When a narcissist is criticized or perceives failure, they may react with narcissistic rage (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998), a sudden and intense anger meant to protect their fragile ego.

Recent research by Weiss et al. (2019) has shown that narcissists experience greater activity in the brain’s reward circuitry when receiving validation but also experience intense distress when their self-image is challenged. This explains why narcissists can switch from charm to fury or from confidence to depression when they feel their superiority is under threat.

Triggers for Splitting and Switching

Understanding what triggers splitting and switching can help in managing these intense behaviors. Common triggers include:

• Perceived Abandonment: People with BPD are hypersensitive to perceived abandonment. Even small changes in a relationship can trigger a switch from love to anger.

• Criticism: Narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism. A negative comment can cause them to switch from confidence to narcissistic rage.

• Fear of Rejection: Both folks with BPD and NPD experience deep fears of rejection, which can lead to extreme emotional responses.

How to Handle Splitting and Switching in Relationships

Living with someone who frequently engages in splitting and switching can be emotionally exhausting. It’s important to understand that these behaviors are not personal attacks but symptoms of a deeper psychological struggle. Here are some strategies for navigating relationships with partners who split or switch:

• Set Boundaries: While empathy is important, setting clear emotional and physical boundaries can protect your well-being.

• Seek Professional Help: Therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for BPD and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for NPD are highly effective in helping individuals manage emotional dysregulation (Linehan, 1993; Beck et al., 2013).

• Practice Emotional Regulation: Helping your loved one develop emotional regulation techniques can reduce the intensity of their switches. This may include mindfulness, breathing exercises, or seeking out DBT strategies for BPD.

• Don’t Engage in Emotional Over-Reactions: During a switch, try to remain calm. Engaging in an emotional back-and-forth may escalate the situation.

Final thoughts

Splitting and switching are hallmark behaviors in folks with BPD and NPD, driven by deep-seated emotional dysregulation and fear of rejection.

Understanding the root causes of these behaviors allows for more empathy while recognizing the need for healthy boundaries.

With the right support, including therapeutic interventions like DBT and CBT, folks with personality disorders can, over time, learn to regulate their emotions better, leading to more stable and fulfilling relationships.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Beck, A. T., Davis, D. D., & Freeman, A. (Eds.). (2013). Cognitive therapy of personality disorders (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Bushman, B. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Threatened egotism, narcissism, self-esteem, and direct and displaced aggression: Does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 219-229.

Donegan, N. H., Sanislow, C. A., Blumberg, H. P., Fulbright, R. K., Lacadie, C., Skudlarski, P., . . . & Wexler, B. E. (2003). Amygdala hyperreactivity in borderline personality disorder: Implications for emotional dysregulation. Biological Psychiatry, 54, 1284-1293.

Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.

Kernberg, O. F. (1967). Borderline personality organization. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 15, 641-685.

Weiss, B., Miller, J. D., Carter, N. T., & Campbell, W. K. (2019). Narcissism and grandiosity: The mediating role of narcissistic vulnerability. Journal of Research in Personality, 82, 103845.