14 Signs Your Husband Is Missing His Affair Partner: A Discussion of Post-Infidelity Grief
Sunday, February 9, 2025. This is for Dawn.
There’s a moment in every betrayal story when the affair ends.
Maybe he got caught. Maybe she dumped him.
Maybe he woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and decided to be a better man.
Regardless of how it happened, the affair is over.
And yet—something feels off. He’s home, but he’s not home.
He looks at you, but he’s looking through you. He reaches for your hand, but there’s no grip, no warmth. You ask him how he’s feeling, and he gives you the dead-eyed “I’m fine.”
And then, one day, it hits you like a gut punch. He’s grieving.
Not the loss of your marriage—he’s grieving her. The affair partner. The forbidden, intoxicating, all-consuming fantasy that slipped through his fingers.
And where does that leave you? You—the one who stayed, the one who held your heart together with duct tape and sheer willpower, the one who still, against all odds, wants to make this work?
You deserve to know what’s happening. And, more importantly, you deserve to know what to do about it.
This post is for you.
The Neuroscience of Missing an Affair Partner
Affairs don’t just happen in a vacuum.
They are dopaminergic events, meaning they hijack the brain’s reward systemmuch like an addictive drug (Fisher et al., 2016).
Affairs introduce secrecy, novelty, and intensity—three ingredients that supercharge the brain’s limbic system, leading to emotional highs as powerful as cocaine use (Kruger & Fisher, 2018).
When the affair ends, it’s not just a relationship that’s lost—it’s a neurological crash. The brain, which had adapted to receiving surges of dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin from the affair, suddenly finds itself in withdrawal.
According to Helen Fisher’s fMRI studies on romantic rejection, this withdrawal activates the same regions of the brain involved in physical pain (Fisher, 2016). In other words, missing an affair partner isn’t just an emotional experience—it’s a physiological one.
What does this mean for you?
It means your husband isn’t just choosing to mope around. He is, quite literally, hurting.
But unlike a person recovering from a breakup, he has to grieve in silence.
There are no tearful late-night phone calls. No playing breakup songs on repeat. No drinking wine with friends and mourning what was lost. Instead, there’s you—watching him go through something, feeling invisible, wondering if your marriage is going to survive this.
Let’s talk about the specific signs.
The “Zombie” Phase: Emotional Flatlining and Disengagement
If your husband seems emotionally absent, he may be experiencing limbic withdrawal—a process where the brain, deprived of its dopamine fix, enters a kind of emotional hibernation (Acevedo et al., 2012).
Signs to Watch For:
He stares into space a lot. You ask him something, and it takes him a few seconds to respond. He’s lost in thought—but about what?
He’s stopped laughing at things that used to make him laugh. His favorite shows, his inside jokes with the kids—it’s like his personality has been wrapped in a dull gray fog.
He avoids eye contact. As if he’s ashamed. Or maybe just too lost in his head to be present.
Sex has become mechanical—or nonexistent. He’s either going through the motions or pulling away altogether.
What the Science Says:
Studies on romantic loss (Najib et al., 2004) found that brain activity in the ventral tegmental area (the dopamine factory) remains elevated for months after a breakup, making emotional disengagement from a former lover incredibly difficult.
If your husband is in this phase, he is not fully “back” in your marriage yet. His body is here, but his mind is elsewhere.
The Nostalgia Triggers: When Everything Reminds Him of Her
You’re at a restaurant, and he zones out when the waiter mentions the wine list. Later, you realize—he used to drink a particular wine with her.
Songs. Certain words. A brand of coffee.
Affairs create emotional anchors—small details that become inextricably linked to the experience of being with that person (LeFebvre et al., 2019). When the affair ends, those anchors remain, haunting him like ghosts.
Signs to Watch For:
His mood shifts randomly. A song comes on in the car, and suddenly he’s distant.
He brings up philosophical ideas about “timing” and “paths not taken.”
He avoids certain places. If they used to meet at a particular café, he may suddenly hate that café.
He makes Freudian slips. The wrong name. The wrong reference. A joke only they would have gotten.
What the Science Says:
LeFebvre et al. (2019) found that emotional residues from past relationships can influence current relational satisfaction, particularly if the person has not fully emotionally detached.
If your husband is still tethered to these emotional anchors, it’s a sign he hasn’t let go.
The “Overcorrection” Phase: Trying Too Hard to Prove He’s Moved On
Guilt is a peculiar thing. Some men withdraw in shame. Others overcompensate—desperate to convince themselves (and you) that they’re fine.
Signs to Watch For:
He suddenly becomes obsessed with self-improvement. Gym, diet, new clothes, a fresh haircut—all classic “I need to reinvent myself” behaviors.
He’s unusually affectionate in a way that feels…off. Like he’s trying to “fix” something he can’t quite name.
He keeps saying he wants a “fresh start.” As if rewriting history could make this easier.
What the Science Says:
According to Tangney et al. (1996), guilt-driven behavior often takes the form of exaggerated attempts at “restitution,” particularly when the guilty party lacks the ability to fully process their emotions. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s insincere—it means he’s scrambling for a sense of normalcy.
The Emotional Ping-Pong: Hot and Cold Behavior
One day he’s tender and engaged. The next, he’s distant.
This emotional ping-pong often reflects ambivalence—a deep, unresolved internal conflict between the comfort of marriage and the fantasy of the affair (Gordon et al., 2015).
Signs to Watch For:
He flips between affectionate and withdrawn.
He’s easily irritated but apologizes excessively afterward.
He seems to be battling something internally but won’t say what.
What the Science Says:
Gordon et al. (2015) found that post-infidelity couples often experience emotional vacillation, where the unfaithful partner swings between guilt-driven commitment and unresolved longing.
What You Can Do
Don’t take it personally. This is his emotional detox—not a reflection of your worth.
Encourage therapy. Individual and couples therapy can help him process post-affair grief in a healthy way.
Set clear expectations. Missing an affair partner is one thing. Acting on it is another. He needs to be present in your marriage.
Focus on your own well-being. You don’t have to be his emotional rehab center.
Final Thoughts
Your husband is grieving a fantasy. But you are real. Your love is real. Your pain is real.
The question now is: Can he wake up from his dream and choose reality?
You’ll know soon enough.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7(2), 145–159. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq092
Baumeister, R. F., & Bushman, B. J. (2010). Social psychology and human nature (2nd ed.). Cengage Learning.
Baumeister, R. F. (1991). Meanings of life. Guilford Press.
Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company.
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2015). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extradyadic affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 41(4), 431–446. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12093
Kruger, D. J., & Fisher, M. L. (2018). Female orgasm and mate retention. Personality and Individual Differences, 128, 35–39. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2018.02.012
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.
LeFebvre, L. E., Allen, M., Rasner, R. D., Garstad, S., Wilms, A., & Parrish, C. (2019). Ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 39(2), 125–150. https://doi.org/10.1177/0276236618820519
Lewandowski, G. W., Jr., & Bizzoco, N. M. (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low-quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(1), 40–54. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760601069234
Najib, A., Lorberbaum, J. P., Kose, S., Bohning, D. E., & George, M. S. (2004). Regional brain activity in women grieving a romantic relationship breakup. American Journal of Psychiatry, 161(12), 2245–2256. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.161.12.2245
Tangney, J. P., Wagner, P. E., & Gramzow, R. (1996). Proneness to shame, proneness to guilt, and psychopathology. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 105(4), 469–478. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.105.4.469
Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Social media surveillance and romantic relationships: The role of Facebook in predicting romantic jealousy and relationship satisfaction. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 19(9), 543–550. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0296