Should I keep reaching out to my estranged adult child?
Thursday, June 20, 2024.
Family estrangement, particularly from an adult child, can leave parents feeling helpless and heartbroken.
The question of whether to keep reaching out is complex and multifaceted, involving a deep understanding of the emotional dynamics at play and the long-term impact on both parties.
Let's respect the intricacies of this issue, exploring expert advice and research findings to guide parents through this challenging situation.
Understanding the Roots of Estrangement
Family estrangement doesn't typically occur overnight. It often stems from a buildup of unresolved conflicts, miscommunications, and unmet expectations. According to Dr. Joshua Coleman, a leading expert in family estrangement, "Estrangement is rarely about one single incident; it usually results from a series of events and interactions over time" (Coleman, 2020).
Common Causes of Estrangement
Unresolved Conflicts: Persistent unresolved conflicts, whether about lifestyle choices, parenting, or values, can lead to estrangement. These conflicts may feel insurmountable without proper communication and resolution.
Perceived Rejection or Criticism: Adult children may feel criticized or rejected by their parents, leading to feelings of inadequacy and the decision to distance themselves.
Differing Expectations: Differing expectations about familial roles and responsibilities can create tension. For example, parents may expect a certain level of involvement in their child's life that the child is unwilling or unable to provide.
Trauma and Abuse: In some cases, estrangement results from past trauma or abuse, making reconciliation a sensitive and complex process.
The Emotional Impact on Parents
The emotional toll on parents experiencing estrangement can be profound. Many parents report feelings of shame, guilt, and profound sadness. Dr. Coleman explains, "The sense of loss for parents is akin to grief; they are mourning the loss of a relationship that they once held dear" (Coleman, 2020).
Dealing with Shame and Guilt
Parents often internalize the estrangement, feeling that they have failed in their parental role. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist and expert on family dynamics, suggests that "parents should work on separating their self-worth from the estrangement and recognize that it is not solely their fault" (Lerner, 2017).
Should You Reach Out?
Deciding whether to reach out to an estranged adult child requires careful consideration of various factors. Here are some key points to contemplate:
Understanding Your Motivations
Reflect on why you want to reach out. Are you seeking to mend the relationship or to express your feelings? Understanding your true motivations can help you approach the situation with clarity. Dr. Lerner advises, "Be honest with yourself about what you hope to achieve and be prepared for any outcome" (Lerner, 2017).
Respecting Boundaries
Respecting your child's boundaries is crucial. Pushing too hard can drive them further away. Dr. Sarah Epstein, a family therapist, highlights, "When parents respect their child's need for space, it shows a willingness to understand their perspective, which can be a crucial step towards reconciliation" (Epstein, 2018).
Consistency and Patience
Consistency and patience are vital. Dr. Joshua Coleman recommends maintaining a non-intrusive presence. "A consistent yet respectful approach can signal to your child that you are open to reconnecting when they are ready, without overwhelming them" (Coleman, 2020).
Practical Steps for Reaching Out
If you decide to reach out, consider these practical steps to increase the likelihood of a positive response:
Write a Letter
Writing a heartfelt, hand-written letter can be an effective way to communicate your feelings without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face conversation. Dr. Lerner suggests, "A letter allows you to express your emotions and intentions thoughtfully, giving your child time to process your words" (Lerner, 2017).
Offer Apologies Without Expectations
If past actions have contributed to the estrangement, offering a sincere apology can be a powerful gesture. However, it's essential to apologize without expecting immediate forgiveness. Dr. Coleman emphasizes, "An apology should be about acknowledging the hurt you've caused, not about seeking instant reconciliation" (Coleman, 2020).
Focus on Understanding
Show a genuine interest in understanding your child's perspective. Dr. Epstein advises, "Ask open-ended questions and listen without judgment. This can create a space for honest dialogue and mutual understanding" (Epstein, 2018).
The Role of Professional Guidance
Seeking the help of a therapist who specializes in family estrangement can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. Therapy can help you manage your emotions, develop effective communication skills, and create a realistic plan for reaching out. If you’ve read this far, maybe I can help.
Benefits of Therapy
Emotional Support: Therapy provides a safe space to explore your feelings of grief, shame, and guilt.
Communication Strategies: A therapist can help you craft messages that are more likely to be well-received by your estranged child.
Coping Mechanisms: Therapy can equip you with coping strategies to handle the emotional ups and downs of the estrangement and the reconciliation process.
Expert Quotes
Here are some additional quotes from thought leaders to illustrate these points:
Dr. Joshua Coleman: "Reconciliation is a process that requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to understand the underlying issues that led to the estrangement" (Coleman, 2020).
Dr. Harriet Lerner: "An apology, if warranted, should come from a place of genuine remorse and a desire to understand the other person's hurt, not from a need to be forgiven" (Lerner, 2017).
Dr. Sarah Epstein: "Respecting your child's boundaries while maintaining a consistent presence can demonstrate your commitment to healing the relationship" (Epstein, 2018).
Final thoughts
Deciding whether to keep reaching out to an estranged adult child is a deeply personal and challenging decision.
But you can navigate this difficult journey with greater clarity and hope by reflecting on your motivations, respecting boundaries, maintaining consistency, and seeking professional guidance. Remember, reconciliation is a gradual process that requires patience, empathy, and mutual understanding.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Coleman, J. (2020). Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Harmony.
Epstein, S. (2018). When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity. New Harbinger Publications.
Lerner, H. (2017). Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. Touchstone.
