Separate Bedrooms, Better Sex? Here Is the Science
Friday, April 11, 2025.
Natalie and Shane Plummer, a married couple from Meridian, Idaho, have been together for 24 years.
About 12 years ago, they made the decision to sleep in separate bedrooms — initially to improve their quality of sleep.
Natalie wanted relief from Shane’s snoring, and Shane, the tidier of the two, appreciated having his own space.
What they claim is that didn’t expect was that this arrangement would also enhance their sex life, increasing both the frequency and quality of their intimacy. They also proclaim this on their podcast.
Instead of sharing a bed out of habit, they found that being apart at night made their time together feel more intentional and exciting, or so they declare today in the New York Times.
But what really annoys me is how several New York couples therapist expressed immediate, extreme enthusiasm for this dubious practice, without completely discussing the science.
Because in the USA, there’s always more room for new, attention-getting dubious ideas.
Shame on them.
The Myth of the Liberated Sleeper Couple
First, let’s admit this: bad sleep does tank libido. No argument there.
Chronic sleep deprivation is one of the most well-established contributors to sexual dysfunction.
But the solution isn't necessarily separate bedrooms. In fact, research consistently finds that co-sleeping — when not medically disruptive — actually improves intimacy, trust, and overall relational satisfaction.
Attachment and the Bed as a Bonding Space
Let’s start with Attachment Theory.
According to Troxel et al. (2007), couples who sleep together tend to show better emotional regulation, lower cortisol levels, and higher oxytocin levels — the very hormone implicated in trust and bonding.
This is particularly significant at night, when the parasympathetic nervous system is more dominant.
Sleeping beside a partner reinforces a sense of felt security, which is essential for long-term relational stability (Diamond, Hicks, & Otter-Henderson, 2008).
So while Natalie and Shane might feel “like boyfriend and girlfriend” again, the science suggests they may be losing one of the most consistent nightly opportunities to reinforce attachment through shared sleep. And over time, this can erode emotional closeness — even if the sex feels novel in the short term.
The Data on Co-Sleeping and Relationship Satisfaction
A recent large-scale study by Nguyen et al. (2022) found that couples who co-slept had higher relationship satisfaction, better conflict resolution skills, and greater feelings of emotional support.
Those who consistently slept apart scored lower on emotional intimacy measures — especially over the long term.
Meanwhile, Drews et al. (2017) found that couples who share a bed synchronize their REM cycles, leading to deeper sleep and increased physiological attunement.
This synchrony has been linked to better morning mood, cooperative behavior, and — yes — spontaneous sexual activity.
Sleep isn't just rest. It’s also nervous system co-regulation par excellence.
The “Sex Surge” is a Novelty Spike — Not a Sustainable Pattern for Most
Now let’s talk about novelty.
Dr. Balestrieri in the article argues that separate sleeping arrangements make sex feel more intentional — a “can I come over to your room?” flirtation vibe.
Sounds kinda hot. But the literature on novelty and sexual arousal tells a cautionary tale.
According to Birnbaum et al. (2006), increases in sexual frequency associated with novelty often plateau within 6–12 months, unless coupled with deeper emotional engagement or shared experiences.
In other words, sleeping in separate beds may give couples the illusion of rediscovering each other — but without emotional attunement and non-sexual intimacy, it doesn’t last.
Even Esther Perel (yes, we’re quoting her, even if we love to respectfully critique her now and then) has acknowledged that space can eroticize, but only temporarily.
Without ongoing emotional investment and relational rituals, for many couples heeding this advice, that “space” becomes populated with avoidance, not foreplay.
Now Let’s Talk About Avoidance
One of the sneakiest psychological dynamics here is when avoidance is masquerading as "freedom."
Sleeping apart can allow couples to bypass conflict rather than resolve it.
As therapist Terry Real has argued, modern couples often "confuse peace with intimacy" — and this is a perfect example.
By removing the friction of shared space, some couples may mistake detente for connection.
In attachment terms, this may reflect avoidant tendencies: a retreat into autonomy instead of negotiating interdependence.
Scharfe & Bartholomew (1994) found that folks with Avoidant Attachment styles were significantly more likely to view separate sleeping as beneficial, not because it actually enhanced the relationship, but because it reduced emotional vulnerability.
The problem is that Avoidant Attachment behaviors are commonplace in contemporary American society. I’ll be addressing that finding in another blog post.
The Better Middle Path: Sleep Hygiene Without Emotional Separation
Rather than glorify the “sleep divorce” as a sexy new secret, the research suggests we should treat it as a last resort — not as a desirable lifestyle trend.
Couples would do better to:
Address medical or behavioral issues (snoring, insomnia) with evidence-based treatments. Sleep science is able to help many couples, and far too few couples seek out this science.
Invest in sleep-compatible tools: separate blankets, earplugs, cooling mattresses.
Practice shared rituals of touch, cuddling, and nighttime check-ins.
These strategies allow couples to maintain the biological and emotional benefits of co-sleeping without sacrificing restor intimacy. It’s not sexy, but it’s sustainable.
When Sleeping Apart Actually Helps: A Science-Based Look
Not every couple needs to cuddle their way to REM.
For a subset of couples, separate sleep arrangements can enhance health, reduce resentment, and even support emotional intimacy — when done with clarity, care, and mutual respect.
Below, we examine the research-backed circumstances under which separate sleeping might genuinely benefit a relationship.
Chronic Sleep Disruption Is Undermining Health and Mood
Let’s be blunt: as I mentioned earlier, poor sleep quality ruins relationships.
Sleep deprivation impairs emotional regulation, increases interpersonal conflict, and tanks sexual desire (Walker, 2017).
If your partner’s snoring, insomnia, or restlessness is leaving you in a near-psychotic state by Wednesday, no amount of oxytocin spooning will fix it.
A study by Gordon & Chen (2014) showed that even a single night of poor sleep predicted more conflict and less empathy in couples the next day. Another by Troxel et al. (2009) linked disrupted sleep with increased cortisol levels and decreased relationship satisfaction.
In these cases, sleeping apart is triage — not betrayal. You’re preserving the relationship by protecting the biological foundation that makes emotional regulation possible.
One or Both Partners Has a Diagnosed Sleep Disorder
If you’re co-sleeping with someone who thrashes, talks, stops breathing, or screams at shadows (hi, REM sleep behavior disorder), you’re not in a romantic sitcom — you’re in a clinical trial.
According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (2023), approximately 30–40% of adults have some form of sleep disorder, with obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) and chronic insomnia leading the pack.
In these cases, the research is unequivocal: co-sleeping often harms both partners' sleep quality and health (Benjafield et al., 2019). When medical treatment isn’t enough or isn’t being followed, separate bedrooms become a regrettable, but practical and humane solution.
There Are Differences in Circadian Rhythms or Shift Work
Chronotype mismatches (night owl marries early bird) aren’t just inconvenient — they can chronically reduce one or both partners’ quality of life.
According to Barclay et al. (2013), mismatched circadian rhythms are associated with increased relationship dissatisfaction and more negative interactions.
Add shift work into the mix, and things get trickier. Workers on rotating or night shifts are already at higher risk for mood disorders, sexual dysfunction, and cardiovascular issues. If co-sleeping means waking your partner at 3 a.m. or tiptoeing around blackout curtains at 10 a.m., a separate sleep arrangement may be a kindness — not a distance.
There’s Clear Communication and Rituals of Connection
Here’s the nuance most pop psych articles miss: the physical distance of separate sleep only works when it’s coupled with emotional proximity!
A 2021 study by Rupprecht et al. found that couples who slept apart but practiced daily rituals of connection (morning cuddles, evening check-ins, shared meals) showed no decline in relational satisfaction compared to co-sleeping couples.
Contrast that with couples who simply drift apart into separate rooms without shared intention — they report increased loneliness, lower sexual satisfaction, and emotional disconnection over time (Troxel et al., 2010).
Sleeping apart can work — but only if the emotional bridge stays open and tended.
It's Temporary and Specifically Purposeful
During postpartum recovery, illness, or intensive caregiving seasons, sleeping separately can be a compassionate adaptation.
For example, a study by Montgomery-Downs et al. (2010) found that postpartum mothers who slept alone or with the infant (rather than a co-sleeping adult partner) got more consolidated sleep — a crucial predictor of postpartum mental health.
If the separation is framed as a strategy, not a statement — and it’s revisited regularly — it can be part of resilient partnership adaptation, not symbolic of disconnection.
Final Diagnosis
The real secret isn’t separate bedrooms — it’s separate bedrooms with secure attachment and daily intimacy rituals. The New York Times piece is leaving out the science.
If sleeping apart is a mindful, medically necessary, or emotionally supportive choice that improves the functioning of both partners — and if the couple compensates with intentional connection — then yes, it can strengthen the relationship.
But if it's used to avoid conflict, reduce vulnerability, or simulate novelty without emotional investment? You’re not redesigning intimacy — you’re just creating distance.
The narrative that separate sleeping arrangements lead to better sex is pop psychology dressed in linen sheets and aromatherapy.
It ignores decades of research on attachment, co-regulation, and sexual novelty burnout.
It confuses correlation (more sleep = better sex) with causation (less proximity = more passion).
And it elevates a dubious and nuanced lifestyle hack to the status of a therapeutic intervention worth broadcasting to our broader American Culture.
And a few therapists in the city are bobble -heading enthusiastically, chasing the latest trend for free attention, as usual. Yikes.
If anything, the real question is this:
What kind of emotional culture are we building when even the bed becomes a place of erotic optimization, rather than shared meaning?
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
American Academy of Sleep Medicine. (2023). 2023 Sleep prioritization survey. https://aasm.org
Barclay, N. L., Eley, T. C., Rijsdijk, F. V., & Gregory, A. M. (2013). Depression and anxiety in the offspring of parents with insomnia symptoms: A genetically informed analysis. Sleep, 36(11), 1597–1602. https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.3123
Benjafield, A. V., et al. (2019). Global burden of disease due to obstructive sleep apnea: Deaths and lost life years. Chest, 155(1), 147–155. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chest.2018.10.191
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929–943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.929
Diamond, L. M., Hicks, A. M., & Otter-Henderson, K. D. (2008). Every time you go away: Changes in affect, behavior, and physiology associated with travel-related separations from romantic partners. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(2), 385–403. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.95.2.385
Drews, H. J., Henao, J. D., & Cheng, P. (2017). Synchrony of sleep stages in co-sleeping couples: A marker for relationship satisfaction? Journal of Sleep Research, 26(3), 346–353. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsr.12499
Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2014). The role of sleep in interpersonal conflict: Do sleepless nights mean worse fights? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(2), 168–175. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550613488952
Montgomery-Downs, H. E., Clawges, H. M., & Santy, E. E. (2010). Infant sleep locations and maternal postpartum sleep. Birth, 37(3), 213–220. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1523-536X.2010.00409.x
Nguyen, T., Taylor, D. J., & Yoon, H. (2022). Sleep arrangements and relationship functioning in romantic couples: A longitudinal perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(2), 273–294. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211043531
Rupprecht, S., Mattheiss, K., & Becker, J. (2021). Sleep, separation, and security: Predictors of relationship satisfaction among co-sleeping and sleep-separated couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(8), 1113–1125. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000886
Scharfe, E., & Bartholomew, K. (1994). Reliability and stability of adult attachment patterns. Personal Relationships, 1(1), 23–43. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00053.x
Troxel, W. M., Robles, T. F., Hall, M., & Buysse, D. J. (2007). Marital quality and the marital bed: Examining the covariation between relationship quality and sleep. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 11(5), 389–404. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2007.05.002
Troxel, W. M., et al. (2009). Marital happiness and sleep disturbances in a multi-ethnic sample of married women. Behavioral Sleep Medicine, 7(1), 2–19. https://doi.org/10.1080/15402000802577763
Walker, M. (2017). Why we sleep: Unlocking the power of sleep and dreams. Scribner.