Relationships as Dynamic Systems: Why Love Needs Regular Software Updates
Friday, March 7, 2025.
Congratulations! You’ve entered a long-term relationship, which means you’ve voluntarily signed up for an ongoing collaborative project with another human being, one that involves constant adjustments, occasional malfunctions, and the ever-present threat of obsolescence.
Many people assume that once they find “the one,” love should work automatically, like a self-cleaning oven or a Roomba.
This is somewhat incorrect. Love is more like an operating system, prone to crashes if left unpatched.
So today, let’s talk about why relationships are dynamic systems, not static agreements, and why treating them as such is the key to keeping them alive.
Love is a System, Not a Fairy Tale
Somewhere between "happily ever after" and "I can’t believe I married this person who chews so loudly", reality sets in. Relationships don’t run on magic; they run on feedback loops, maintenance, and adaptation.
A relationship is a system of two people influencing each other over time. Every action (or inaction) causes a reaction. If you communicate well, trust builds. If you withdraw, tension grows. Over time, these patterns form either a thriving ecosystem or a toxic wasteland.
In scientific terms, relationships are open systems, meaning they exchange energy with their environment. Unlike a rock, which sits there doing nothing, relationships are more like a river, always moving, either deepening or eroding.
Unfortunately, most couples operate on a set-it-and-forget-it model, assuming the relationship will function indefinitely without updating the emotional software. This is the equivalent of running Windows 95 in 2025—it might still boot up, but it’s going to be slow, frustrating, and prone to crashing.
The Relationship Update Cycle: Why Love Needs Regular Patches
John Gottman, the Jedi Master of relationship science, found that successful couples consistently “update” their knowledge of each other. They stay curious about their partner’s evolving dreams, fears, and quirks.
Meanwhile, struggling couples assume they already know their partner. This is a fatal error.
Here’s what happens when relationships don’t get updates:
🚨 Outdated Assumptions – You assume your partner still hates sushi, when in fact, they’ve secretly loved it for five years.
🚨 Communication Glitches – You speak in emotionally encrypted messages, expecting your partner to decode them.
🚨 Emotional Lag – One partner changes, but the other doesn’t notice, leading to resentment, confusion, or unexpected existential crises at IKEA.
Healthy couples keep the system updated. They check in, recalibrate, and troubleshoot problems before they turn into full-blown disasters.
A simple example: Gottman’s research found that just 6 extra hours per week of small positive interactions can turn a struggling relationship around. 6 hours! That’s less than the time you spend scrolling past TikToks you claim you don’t even like.
Negative Feedback Loops: How Small Problems Become System Failures
A negative feedback loop is a self-perpetuating cycle where bad reactions fuel more bad reactions.
Example:
1️⃣ Your partner forgets to text back → 2️⃣ You assume they don’t care → 3️⃣ You withdraw → 4️⃣ They sense your distance and withdraw, too → 5️⃣ Now you’re two silent people eating dinner while doom-scrolling in separate corners of the couch.
This feedback loop of doom could have been prevented by one small interruption—a question, a clarification, or a well-timed joke. But instead, both people feed the malfunctioning system until it becomes the default mode.
Therapist Sue Johnson, who pioneered Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), says that most relationship conflicts aren’t about the thing being argued about. It’s not about the dishes, the thermostat, or the “tone” in your partner’s voice. It’s about feeling disconnected and unimportant.
And when people feel unimportant, they stop updating the system.
The Relationship Debugging Process: How to Get Back on Track
So, what do you do if your relationship system is buggy, slow, or borderline corrupted?
🔹 Reinstall Curiosity – Assume you know nothing about your partner’s current emotional landscape. Ask questions. Learn them again.
🔹 Turn Off Auto-Pilot – Stop assuming your relationship is either “fine” or “not fine.” Treat it like a project that requires active participation.
🔹 Patch Small Issues Before They Become Crises – If something feels off, don’t wait until it erupts in a screaming match about whose mother is more annoying. Address problems while they’re small.
🔹 Run Regular System Checks – Set aside time to check in on the relationship. Are you both happy? Do you feel seen? If the answer is "meh", don’t ignore it. That’s a pre-breakup warning sign.
Love is a Renewable Resource—But Only If You Work for It
The biggest myth about relationships is that they are self-sustaining. They aren’t. They are fueled by attention, intention, and humor.
People don’t fall out of love as much as they drift apart because they stopped updating their connection.
The good news? Relationships are fixable, improvable, and endlessly adaptable.
So, if your love life feels stale, stuck, or running on 1990s emotional software, remember:
📌 Update the system.
📌 Fix small bugs before they crash everything.
📌 Stay curious about your partner’s internal world.
Love isn’t about finding someone perfect. It’s about learning how to co-create a system that works—and keeps working—over time.
Now go check in with your partner before the next scheduled crash.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Levenson, R. W., Carstensen, L. L., & Gottman, J. M. (1993). "Long-term marriage: Age, gender, and satisfaction." Psychology and Aging, 8(2), 301–313. https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.8.2.301
Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). "Assessing commitment in personal relationships." Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595–608. https://doi.org/10.2307/353245
Tatkin, S. (2018). Wired for love: How understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger Publications.