What is Relationship Escalator Rejection?

Saturday, August 10, 2024.

The term “Relationship Escalator Rejection” is one of those modern polyamorous memes that have gained traction among those who find the traditional path of relationships a bit too… predictable.

You know the drill: you meet someone, date, move in together, get married, maybe pop out a couple of kids, and settle into a life of blissful monotony (or at least, that’s the idealized version).

The “relationship escalator” is what some call this linear progression. But, for those who reject it, life is apparently a lot more exciting—or chaotic, depending on your perspective.

The Birth of the Meme: Why Walk When You Can Stumble?

The term “relationship escalator” was popularized by Amy Gahran in her book Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life.

In it, Gahran outlines how some people—particularly in the polyamorous community—reject the traditional progression of relationships.

Instead of adhering to societal norms, they opt for a more “free-form” approach to love and connection. Translation: they avoid the mono-normative like it’s a contagious disease.

Now, the relationship escalator is a pretty nifty metaphor for those who see relationships as something to “progress” in a steady, upward direction.

But for those who reject it, it’s akin to being trapped on an endless loop of forced social expectations.

So, what do these rebels do instead? They hop off, of course. Or, as I like to call it, they hurl themselves off a cliff into a sea of ambiguous “connections” and ever-shifting dynamics. Fun, right?

The Allure of the Nonlinear: Freedom or Delusion?

For many in the polyamorous community, rejecting the relationship escalator is about freedom—freedom from societal expectations, freedom to explore multiple connections, and freedom to define relationships on their terms.

And who wouldn’t want that? It sounds like a utopia of limitless possibilities.

But let’s be real here: freedom without structure can quickly turn into chaos. Or worse, a bad episode of The Bachelor, where no one knows who’s supposed to give a rose to whom, and everyone’s just kind of… there.

The idea of a non-linear relationship path appeals to those who view traditional relationships as stifling or restrictive. Instead of following a set path, they embrace a fluid approach where relationships can evolve in any direction—or not at all.

The appeal here is the rejection of what’s seen as a one-size-fits-all model of love. But this free-form approach also comes with a significant amount of ambiguity, confusion, and, let’s face it, drama.

The Reality Check: Social Science to the Rescue

As a highly skeptical couples therapist, I’m not here to rain on anyone’s poly parade, but let’s talk about the actual research.

Multiple studies have shown that humans, by and large, thrive in stable, committed relationships.

A study by Cacioppo and colleagues (2015) found that folks in committed relationships tend to experience higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction.

Moreover, research by Coontz (2005) indicates that marriage and long-term partnerships are linked to better mental and physical health outcomes. So, what happens when we toss the relationship escalator out the window?

For starters, the rejection of the relationship escalator can lead to increased levels of anxiety and uncertainty.

Sure, some may argue that this is just part of the thrill of polyamory, but let’s not ignore the emotional toll it can take.

A study by Conley et al. (2017) found that while polyamorous folks may report higher levels of sexual satisfaction, they also experience higher levels of relational uncertainty and jealousy compared to their monogamous counterparts.

It’s like trading one set of problems for another, only this time, you get to deal with multiple partners and their emotional baggage.

The Comedy of Errors: When Everyone’s Running Their Own Race

One of the most entertaining (and by entertaining, I mean tragic) aspects of relationship escalator rejection is the sheer lack of coordination it often involves.

Imagine trying to organize a group project where no one agrees on the objective, the timeline, or even the roles.

Now, imagine that project is your love life. That’s the reality for many who reject the relationship escalator. Instead of a clear path forward, they’re stuck in a perpetual state of negotiation, constantly trying to figure out where they stand with each partner.

This constant state of flux may appeal to those who thrive on spontaneity, but for the majority of us, it’s a recipe for stress.

Let’s not forget that humans are hardwired for attachment and stability.

The attachment theory, as outlined by Bowlby (1988), while it underplays cultural influences, has reliably proven the importance of secure attachments in early development.

When applied to adult relationships, secure attachments are linked to lower levels of stress and greater emotional well-being (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). So, while the idea of rejecting the relationship escalator might sound liberating, it often leads to a lack of the very security that humans need to thrive.

Final thoughts

In conclusion, the concept of “Relationship Escalator Rejection” may seem like a progressive, enlightened approach to love in our modern age, but let’s call it what it really is: an escape hatch for those afraid of commitment, stability, and the very human need for security.

While it might be fun to play in the sandbox of nontraditional relationships for a while, eventually, most people realize that sand gets everywhere, and building a stable structure is harder than it looks.

For those who truly believe that they can reject the relationship escalator and find happiness in a never-ending cycle of undefined connections, I wish them the best of luck.

But as a couples therapist with a healthy dose of skepticism, I can’t help but see this as just another form of avoidance—an avoidance of the very things that make relationships meaningful, fulfilling, and, yes, sometimes challenging.

So, before you jump off that escalator, take a moment to ask yourself: Am I really ready to freefall, or would I rather take the ride, ups and downs included?

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., Gonzaga, G. C., Ogburn, E. L., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2015). Marital satisfaction and break-ups differ across on-line and off-line meeting venues. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(25), 10135-10140.

Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a history: How love conquered marriage. Viking.

Conley, T. D., Matsick, J. L., Moors, A. C., & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of consensually non-monogamous relationships: Theories, methods, and new directions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(2), 205-232.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.