Relational Intelligence… a brief history of an idea
Wednesday, July 27, 2023.
We’re hearing a lot about "Relational Intelligence" nowadays. What is Relational Intelligence?
I think it depends on who you ask. Relational Intelligence has emerged as a complicated constellation of ostensible virtues. When we consider the history of the ideas that have lead us to to Relational Intelligence, we can be a bit cautious in teasing out the profound from the merely popular.
What is Relational Intelligence?
Relational Intelligence describes the ability to frame, comprehend, navigate, establish, repair, and otherwise maintain healthy, satisfying connections and boundaries with others.
Like most popular ideas, this one has many parents. Several interlocking disciplines, from psychology and sociology, to neuroscience and philosophy, have all contributed to our new fangled notions of romantic love, intimacy, and what we are now calling Relational Intelligence
To best understand the cluster of virtues that has us all nodding approvingly.. “Yes, that is Relational Intelligence,” we need to look to earlier ideas…
What foundational ideas contributed to our understanding of Relational Intelligence?.
Perhaps I should first discuss the historical journey of Relational Intelligence. I’ll mention some influential books and thought leaders along the way, but, as usual, my bias will remain with applied research from trustworthy sources.
The birth of the Relational Intelligence meme
The idea of relational intelligence can be traced back to ancient philosophical and early psychological traditions. The ancient Greek philosophers, such as Plato and Aristotle, highlighted the significance of human connections and the concept of love. Aristotle's "Nicomachean Ethics" touched on the idea of friendship and its impact on human well-being, providing early insights into the foundations of relational intelligence.
The early psychological perspectives:
The field of psychology began to explore the complexities of intimate relationships during the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, explored the dynamics of human relationships and the influence of unconscious desires on intimate connections. Freud's seminal work, "The Interpretation of Dreams" (1899), laid the groundwork for understanding the deeper layers of human emotions and their impact on relationships.
2oth Century humanistic approaches:
In the mid-20th century, the humanistic psychology movement brought a significant shift in how researchers approached the study of relationships.
Psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized empathy, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard as essential elements for fostering healthy connections. His book "On Becoming a Person" (1961) presented groundbreaking ideas about the significance of empathetic understanding in intimate relationships.
It also strikes me how the emergence of mass media culture with family centered television situation comedies, and movies which spoon-fed moral lessons every night might have also produced an “empathy machine” that softened up post-war America for humanism and a new cultural appreciation for relational empathy.
Attachment Theory and Relational Intelligence:
The 20th-century development of attachment theory by British psychologist John Bowlby revolutionized the field of developmental psychology and laid the foundation for understanding relational intelligence in early life and adulthood. Bowlby’s ideas utterly dominate the American couples therapy landscape.
John Bowlby’s ideas, particularly those in his book "Attachment and Loss" (1969-1980), explored how deterministic early caregiver-child relationships are on an individual's future capacity to form secure attachments in adulthood.
Bowlby's theory offered valuable insights into the ways we connect and bond with others, and how these patterns affect our romantic relationships, and what we would.eventually come to describe as Relational Intelligence.
On the way to Relational Intelligence… the fin de siecle discoveries of Emotional Intelligence and the ascendency of neuroscience
The 90’s was an historic time for our understanding of human bonding and intimacy. While not directly related to Relational Intelligence, the idea of emotional intelligence introduced by Dr. Goleman in his book "Emotional Intelligence" (1995) was incredibly influential, and has significant implications for intimate relationships to this day.
According to Goleman, Emotional intelligence involves recognizing and managing one's emotions and understanding others' emotions empathetically. This skill set plays a pivotal role in navigating conflicts and fostering deeper emotional connections with our partners.
The Neurobiology of Relational Intelligence:
Advancements in neuroscience have shed light on the neural mechanisms underlying relational intelligence. In "Social Intelligence" (2006), Daniel Goleman delved into the hard science of our neurological underpinnings of empathy, social cognition, and our ability to relate to others.
Other researchers, such as Jaak Panksepp and his book "Affective Neuroscience" (1998), have explored the role of emotions in shaping intimate connections, unraveling the brain's emotional circuits responsible for bonding and attachment.
What does current research tell us? And what do couples therapy thought leaders say about Relational Intelligence today?
Today, relational intelligence remains a topic of intense interest, exploration, and some degree of debate.
Psychologists like John Gottman, renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, have made significant contributions to understanding the dynamics of long-term intimate relationships.
Gottman’s book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (1999) highlights key factors that contribute to a lasting and fulfilling partnership.
Relational Intelligence and cultural bias
Esther Perel is an important thought leader, and she has garnered significant attention and acclaim for her innovative, and some what more differentiated approach to understanding and navigating interpersonal dynamics.
Esther has gone so far as to offer a “Master Class” in Relational Intelligence.
The Masterclass platform, is an exciting way to learn. It provides high-quality learning experiences hosted by top authors and thought leaders The video production is extremely well done, and the lessons are structured in a straightforward way. Supporting homework and materials are also provided.
The Esther Perel Masterclass in Relational Intelligence is broken down into 12 modules:
Meet Your Instructor
Developing Self-Awareness
Developing Empathy
Establishing Boundaries
Understanding Power Dynamics
Identifying Roles in Relationships
How to Have Difficult Conversations
Understanding and Resolving Conflict
Effective Listening for Better Communication
Avoiding Miscommunication
Building Trust
Cultivating Intimacy
The sales copy tells us that each module dives into a different relationship skill. The Master Class offers a holistic overview of what it takes to have better relationships, from effective communication principles to insights that help you gain a deeper knowledge of yourself and others.
For example, Perel is fond of emphasizing that everyone has conflicting needs for separateness and connection. While that is certainly true, how effectively can her online students take themselves on?
How you manage the delicate balance between those needs can make or break a relationship. And since, as Perel puts it, your relationships have a huge impact on your quality of life, this is an important area to master. But generic advice is hard to apply all by your lonesome. Self-confrontation is not a particularly widespread human virtue.
Lack of Empirical Evidence: While Perel's insights and observations are intriguing and thought-provoking, some critics argue that her ideas are essentially based more on anecdotal evidence and personal experiences rather than rigorous scientific research.
While Perel is not a researcher in the sense that Gottman and Sue Johnson are researchers with a rigorous methodology, she is an important and popular thought leader, particularly for Millennials, who aspire to a deeper, richer relationship than they witnessed in their families of origin.
While I am staunchly a fanboy of evidence-based practice, I also happily tip my hat to practice-based evidence.
Esther Perel is a working thought leader. Who, through her growing popularity, has remained a working therapist. I deeply respect client proximity in couples therapy thought leaders.
As a result, Perel sometimes catches heat when her assertions occasionally contradict hard research. It can be challenging to assess the validity and generalizability of her perspective, if you’re focused more on hard research data than a good story.
Obviously more empirical studies and hard research are needed to support, substantiate, and define what we mean by Relational Intelligence.
Cultural Bias: Perel's work is heavily influenced by her background and experiences, which are decidedly European. Esther’s work may not fully resonate with individuals from diverse cultural, neuro-biological, and social contexts.
The concept of Relational Intelligence, like the concept of attachment itself, may experience a harsher review in certain cultural settings.
What we describe as Relational Intelligence in the First Western World, may be far less relevant or even problematic in other cultural contexts. It's crucial to consider cultural variations and avoid assuming universality in describing emerging concepts such as Relational Intelligence.
In a number of cultural settings, the idea of a “forever elusive” partner is highly problematic. It’s becomes a sort of enforced ambivalence…
“Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew—or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.”
― Esther Perel, The State of Affairs: Rethinking InfidelityIndividual vs. Systemic Focus: Jolted out of complacency? Some critics have argue that Perel's focus on individual growth and self-discovery within a committed relationships may marginalize the significance of the systemic issues and structural inequalities.
That is often the case with partners in relationships who are less able to muse about self-discovery, when the car payment comes due.
I don’t think this is a particularly fair or accurate critique.
Perel is a systemic thinker, and had the privilege of being trained by Salvatore Minuchin, a giant in the field of systemic marriage and family therapy.
While personal development is essential, addressing larger societal factors that contribute to relationship challenges is also essential for fostering healthy connections.
In other words, couples therapy absent an abiding social critique is not good couples therapy. Sometimes I need to let my Narrative Therapy freak flag fly. This is one of those times.
Oversimplification: Relational Intelligence is a complex, nascent concept. Perel's attempts to distill it into shrewd practical guidelines, or easy-to-follow steps might oversimplify the intricacies of your all-too-human relationship.
On the other hand, psycho-educational efforts such as Perel’s Masterclass offer an incredibly valuable tool for limited self-exploration at home.
But I believe that efforts such as this Master Class are most useful as an adjunct to science-based couples therapy.
Each relationship is unique, and reductionist thinking can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when general all-purpose guidelines fail to address complex intimacy issues of specific humans.
Relational Intelligence is deeply based in life history and experience… which takes me to my next concern:
Limited Focus on Trauma and Mental Health: Perel's approach often centers on the ideas of desire and passion in relationships, and tolerating greater ambiguity. I think she dead on right for refusing to play “find the bad guy,” but many partners can only tolerate so much relational ambiguity…
Some have argued that Perel’s Masterclass in Relational Intelligence (sounds a bit much, doesn’t it?) may not adequately address the impact of personal trauma or mental health issues on relationship dynamics.
But that’s not the role of psycho-educational tools.
Respected thought leaders who develop psycho-educational programs can not cover every iteration or relational contingency. Perel’s personal background and life experience is marinated in trauma. Her explanation of individual, familial, and cultural trauma refuses to coddle, or indulge the tyranny of the weaker partner. I applaud her stance.
While it’s true that therapists are constantly advising “you’re mileage may vary…” downplaying these factors can misdirect struggling couples. Some couples may fiddle ambivalently and unsuccessfully with a Master Class in Relational Intelligence. But what they most likely require is to work with a good couples therapist, and Perel takes pains to acknowledge this.
Commercialization and Popularity: As Perel's ideas gained popularity, they have also been commercialized, contributing to a burgeoning, top-heavy relationship self-help industry that can sometimes oversell and commodify the concept of Relational Intelligence… because, well… we like the way those two words Relational… and Intelligence sound together.
Commercialization may undermine the genuine value of emerging ideas, and reduce them into a market-driven buzz word rather than a well-grounded hypothesis..
I respect Esther Perel’s ideas. And I hope that we can begin to operationalize the inchoate concept of Relational Intelligence, and create some meaningful research data that may offer insights to our emerging understanding of what we mean by Relational Intelligence.
I Recognize the Moral, Philosophical, and Cultural Value of Broadly Discussing Relational Intelligence.
Perhaps further research, and consideration of cultural and systemic factors, might help shift our concept of Relational Intelligence to such an extent, that it becomes well-defined and truly applicable and beneficial in wide array of cultural contexts.
While Esther’s work has undoubtedly enriched the field of relationship psycho-education, it should be seen as one perspective among many being offered.
A definitive understanding of Relational Intelligence will, hopefully, continue to elude us. Because definitive understandings can be both dangerous and incomplete.
We all have our own work to do.
“Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings:safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion We want it all, and we want it with one person.” Esther Perel
Relational Intelligence may not only be a teachable skill set in a Master Class, it may also be an acquired taste.
However, an innate capacity for intimacy, is not the same thing as a teachable skill. How can we do more, as clinicians, to nurture and develop the innate?
“Beginnings are always ripe with possibilities, for they hold the promise of completion. Through love we imagine a new way of being.
You see me as I’ve never seen myself. You airbrush my imperfections, and I like what you see.
With you, and through you, I will become that which I long to be.
I will become whole.
Being chosen by the one you chose is one of the glories of falling in love. It generates a feeling of intense personal importance. I matter. You confirm my significance.” Esther Perel
This is the Very Essence of the “Other Validated Intimacy” Couples Therapy Culture that David Schnarch so Passionately Critiqued.
“As partners become better able to self-confront and self-soothe, they have less need to control each other. They can maintain their own emotional stability and worry less about what their partner is doing.
They stop expecting their partner to understand them and focus more on understanding themselves, which, in turn, reduces defensiveness and combativeness, and encourages good will and growth rather than resistance and stagnation.” David Schnarch.
What does Relational Intelligence mean to you?.
RESEARCH:
Duschinsky R, Greco M, Solomon J. The Politics of Attachment: Lines of Flight with Bowlby, Deleuze and Guattari. Theory Cult Soc. 2015 Dec;32(7-8):173-195. doi: 10.1177/0263276415605577. Epub 2015 Oct 12. PMID: 27110049; PMCID: PMC4820003.
Fitzgerald, Michael PY - 2020/01/20 T1 - Criticism of Attachment Theory 2020 DO - 10.13140/RG.2.2.24012.77445
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. Bantam Books, Inc.
Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships. Bantam.
