"Raised by a Regulator, Not a Parent" — The Curse of Performance Calm
Monday, April 14, 2025.
Welcome to the golden age of emotional regulation — where every mom on TikTok knows what a "rupture and repair" is, and every kid has a Ph.D. in "vibes."
But beneath the glowy reels of whisper-voiced bedtime scripts lies a new kind of childhood trauma: being raised by someone who never yelled, but also never really felt.
This is the meme: "My mom didn’t scream. She just clenched her jaw and softly narrated the consequences like HAL 9000."
The Rise of the Regulator Parent
Modern parents are trying their damnedest to break cycles, which is beautiful.
But many have ended up performing regulation like it's theater. They suppress every feeling until their kid is shaking a snow globe of sadness in front of them saying, "Do you feel anything?"
Emotion coaching models (like those proposed by Gottman et al., 1996) encourage parents to name, validate, and support their child’s emotional experience. And rightly so. But when this becomes a performance rather than a practice, kids can usually sense the disconnect.
Research from Ehrlich et al. (2011) shows that children of emotionally suppressed parents may show increased amygdala reactivity and poor emotion labeling, even in high-verbal households.
Translation: just because your mom knew all the Daniel Tiger jingles doesn’t mean you felt seen.
The Shadow Side of Calm
Clinicians are now raising the alarm on "regulation as avoidance."
According to Leerkes et al. (2012), maternal emotional availability — not just regulation — predicts secure attachment. In other words: if a parent is calm but distant, the child still may internalize a sense of unimportance.
This is especially prevalent in what we might call the "anxious gentle parent": the mom or dad who never explodes, but is so afraid of doing harm that they disappear behind a script of soft tones and curated Pinterest responses.
In therapy, their kids say things like: "I always knew my mom loved me. I just never felt close to her."
Contrasting Views: But Isn't Regulation Good?
Sure. In fact, emotional regulation is one of the most robust predictors of parenting effectiveness (Morris et al., 2007).
But here’s the rub: regulation without congruence becomes creepy.
When a parent says "I’m calm" through gritted teeth and haunted eyes, kids read the body, not the words. Gottman would not approve.
You can see it in family therapy when a child starts to mirror the parent's tension but can’t name it. They think they must be the problem.
This dissonance echoes findings by Eisenberg et al. (2001), who warn that parents who suppress rather than process emotion create confusing social-emotional environments. Children learn to distrust their own emotional intuitions.
So What Do We Do Instead?
Normalize authentic emotion.
Not yelling, not snapping—but allowing your face, tone, and body to match your feelings.
When a parent says, "I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need a break before I can help," it lands a lot more honestly than "Let’s remember to use our calm-down strategies," delivered through a smile that screams existential panic.
Teach your kids that feelings are not enemies to be managed but signals to be understood.
Cry if you need to. Own it. Repair it.
Because the real gold isn’t regulation. It’s resonance.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Ehrlich, K. B., Cassidy, J., Lejuez, C. W., & Daughters, S. B. (2011). Maternal warmth and child problem behavior: The role of emotion regulation. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 521–530. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023790
Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R. A., Guthrie, I. K., & Reiser, M. (2001). Dispositional emotionality and regulation: Their role in predicting quality of social functioning. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(1), 136–157. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.1.136
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243–255. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.10.3.243
Leerkes, E. M., Weaver, J. M., & O'Brien, M. (2012). Differentiating maternal sensitivity to infant distress and non-distress. Parenting: Science and Practice, 12(2-3), 175–184. https://doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2012.683353
Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x