The Preemptive Apology: Why We Say Sorry for Things We Haven’t Even Done Yet in Relationships
Tuesday, September 24, 2024.
We’ve all been there—saying sorry for something that hasn’t even happened yet.
Whether it’s a playful apology for being late before you’ve even left the house, or apologizing in advance for the fight you think you’re bound to have, the Preemptive Apology is a classic relationship behavior.
This meme-worthy moment taps into our shared experience of relationship anxiety and the desire to keep the peace at all costs.
In this post, we’re going deep into the psychology behind the Preemptive Apology, how it’s driven by anticipatory anxiety, and why we often apologize for things that haven’t even occurred.
We’ll add a dash of humor and back it up with social science research, because like most funny relationship memes, there’s a lot more beneath the surface.
What is a Preemptive Apology and Why Do We Do It in Relationships?
A Preemptive Apology is an apology made in advance for something that hasn’t even happened yet.
It’s the emotional equivalent of bubble-wrapping your relationship, hoping to prevent any bumps before they appear. People who offer these apologies are often driven by a deep desire to avoid relationship conflict. It's a kind of emotional insurance policy, where you say “sorry” before the supposed offense has even occurred.
Imagine saying:
“I’m sorry in advance for being moody after work tomorrow” or “I apologize now for whatever annoying thing I might do next week.” It’s endearing but also highlights how much we tend to over-anticipate conflict in relationships.
The Psychology Behind the Preemptive Apology in Relationships
At the core of the Preemptive Apology is anticipatory anxiety, where we’re so worried about potential conflict that we start apologizing for things we haven’t even done yet.
Research suggests that this behavior stems from high levels of relationship anxiety—the constant fear that our actions will upset our partner (Gere et al., 2015).
While preemptive apologies may seem considerate, they often point to conflict avoidance, which can be damaging in the long run. Couples who engage in conflict-avoidant behaviors are more likely to experience increased tension, as avoiding issues can cause them to pile up over time (Gottman & Levenson, 2002).
Over-Anticipating Conflict: The Classic “Sorry for the Fight We Haven’t Had Yet”
One of the funniest—and most relatable—aspects of the Preemptive Apology is when we say sorry for fights we haven’t even had yet. The phrase “I’m sorry for the fight we’re probably going to have tomorrow” is a universal experience for anyone who tends to overthink every interaction.
It’s a way of bracing yourself emotionally, like saying, “I know this is going to happen, and I’m just trying to make it a little less painful when it does.” This taps into our human tendency to anticipate conflict before it even arises, which can ironically create more tension.
How Anxiety Drives the Preemptive Apology in Relationships
People who offer preemptive apologies are often struggling with relationship anxiety.
They constantly worry about upsetting their partner or making mistakes, which leads to apologizing in advance for things they fear will cause a problem.
In fact, research shows that folks with high relationship anxiety often overcompensate by offering unnecessary apologies, thinking this will prevent future conflicts (Kammrath & Dweck, 2006).
Unfortunately, this can create an unhealthy cycle where the apologizing partner becomes emotionally exhausted from constantly trying to keep the peace. Instead of addressing issues head-on, preemptive apologizers take on the burden of avoiding any potential disagreements. Over time, this leads to increased anxiety and frustration for both partners.
Using Humor to Cope with Preemptive Apologies and Relationship Anxiety
One reason the Preemptive Apology meme resonates so deeply is because it’s funny.
It taps into a shared experience that is equal parts humorous and frustrating. Saying “sorry” for something that hasn’t even happened yet? Yeah, we’ve all been there.
But humor is also a powerful tool for managing relationship anxiety. Couples who use humor to lighten the mood often find it easier to navigate conflict and maintain relationship satisfaction (Keltner & Bonanno, 1997). Laughter can diffuse tension and help both partners recognize that their over-anticipation of conflict is a shared quirk, not a fatal flaw.
How to Stop Apologizing for Things That Haven’t Happened in Relationships
If you find yourself offering preemptive apologies on the regular, it might be time to break the cycle. Here are some strategies to help you stop apologizing in advance and create a healthier dynamic in your relationship:
Acknowledge the Anxiety: Recognize that your preemptive apologies are driven by anxiety. Once you’re aware of this, you can work on addressing the root cause rather than constantly apologizing for it.
Communicate Honestly: Instead of offering a preemptive apology, have a real conversation with your partner. Talk openly about your concerns rather than apologizing for things that haven’t happened.
Trust Your Relationship: Trust that your relationship is strong enough to handle the small conflicts that arise naturally. You don’t need to preemptively apologize for every little thing.
Laugh About It: Use humor as a way to acknowledge the ridiculousness of apologizing for the future. It can make the whole situation feel less stressful and more light-hearted.
Final thoughts
The Preemptive Apology may seem like a harmless quirk, but it’s rooted in deeper anxieties about maintaining harmony in relationships. While saying sorry for things that haven’t happened yet is an amusing way to manage relationship stress, it can also point to unhealthy communication patterns.
By recognizing the anxiety behind these apologies and replacing them with open communication and trust, we can break the cycle of preemptive sorry’s and embrace the imperfections that come with any relationship. After all, conflict isn’t the end of the world—it’s how we handle it that matters.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gere, J., Almeida, D. M., & Martire, L. M. (2015). Conflict avoidance: Associations with stress, relationship satisfaction, and health. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(1), 85-107. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514524848
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A two-factor model for predicting when a couple will divorce: Exploratory analyses using 14-year longitudinal data. Family Process, 41(1), 83-96. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.x
Kammrath, L. K., & Dweck, C. S. (2006). Voicing conflict: Preferred conflict strategies among incremental and entity theorists. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(11), 1497-1508. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167206291476
Keltner, D., & Bonanno, G. A. (1997). A study of laughter and dissociation: Distinct correlates of laughter and smiling during bereavement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(4), 687-702. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.4.687