Decades of research about parents fighting in front of the kids

Wednesday, June 5, 2024.

Kids may not seem to hear you when you tell them to eat their vegetables, but when you and your spouse are fighting in front of the kids, your children are paying close attention.

This behavior impacts their immediate behavior and affects their mental health significantly.

A new study from Cardiff University confirms earlier research by John Gottman and E. Mark Cummings of Notre Dame. Hundreds of peer-reviewed papers on this issue span decades of research.

Developmental science is crystal clear: fighting in front of your kids can cause serious harm to their physical, emotional, and developmental well-being.

The impact of parental conflict on children

Dr. Gordon Harold, a researcher at Cardiff University in Cardiff, Wales, says parents can have differences of opinion in front of their kids. However, the way these disagreements are handled can provide children with lifelong lessons in managing conflict with intimate partners and impact their health.

Dr. Harold explains, “It would be unrealistic to say that parents should never argue or disagree in front of their children. Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of all relationships.”

Dr. Harold conducted a three-year study of more than 300 families. In the study, researchers showed kids videos of adults engaging in different styles of arguing.

The researchers then asked the kids about the kind of fights they saw their parents have at home. Even if your argument has nothing to do with your kids, if you fight in destructive, unregulated ways, it threatens their emotional stability.

The Physical Effects of Parental Fighting on Children

Increased Heart Rate

Multiple studies over the past several decades have shown that when children feel emotionally threatened, they exhibit predictable increases in depression, anxiety, hostility, and aggression. John Gottman’s research indicates that regular exposure to parents fighting produces serious side effects in children that may be hard to detect at first.

Perhaps Gottman’s most shocking finding is that even infants are keenly sensitive to the relative happiness of their parents' marriage. Gottman conducted a study of 50 couples with 3-month-old infants. The research shows that when parents habitually fight in front of the kids, children exposed to parental fighting showed a sharply lower capacity for concentration, joy, and the ability to calm down compared to babies whose parents had thriving, happy marriages. These babies also had an accelerated heart rate.

Increased Stress Hormones

In another study, Gottman’s research team took urine samples from 63 preschoolers over a 24-hour period every hour. The 3- and 4-year-olds from homes with significant levels of “marital hostility” had significantly higher levels of stress hormones than those from homes with happy and stable marriages.

The long-term health consequences of this ongoing emotional stress may not be apparent until years later. Research has shown that kids as young as 3 years old react to conflicts between parents. When children are upset by fighting or tension, they may act out in anger, dissociative, or clingy.

Behavioral Implications of Parental Fighting

The behavioral implications are abundantly clear when kids from these unhappy homes reach adolescence. Gottman followed these kids through age 15. The findings showed that children of distressed marriages had a significantly higher rate of depression, peer problems, poor grades, and behavior issues such as truancy. They were also more aggressive.

On the other hand, research also tells us that kids whose parents are happily married are happier themselves. They have more friends, better grades, are less likely to be troubled or depressed, and their overall behavior is markedly better.

Research suggests that these kids are more resilient because they are more emotionally secure. When children grow up in a happy home, they are more resilient and can bounce back from disappointments. They are happier and more confident in their outlook.

The Role of Parental Conflict Resolution

Research tells us that the intensity of the fighting in front of the kids and the lack of repair attempts is more impactful than just the number of fights the parents have. The fights that have the greatest negative impact on children are characterized by high levels of verbal or physical aggression.

Arguments that involve the children are the worst. These fights typically lead nowhere except into either icy silence or more fighting.

“Arguments that are dealt with effectively, conducted calmly, and show clear messages of negotiation and resolution have positive implications for children,” Dr. Harold reports. “Children can also learn about effective conflict resolution from their parents.”

“We know now, however, that the ability for a parent to parent effectively is determined by the quality of that parent’s relationship with their spouse,” Dr. Harold says. “Couples that are happy and comfortable with each other in their relationship are more emotionally available and sensitive to the children and their needs than couples that are caught up or embroiled in conflict.”

Fighting Fairly and Its Positive Impact

Experts say that even though parents fighting in front of their kids can be quite damaging, children can also be positively impacted by watching their parents respectfully and lovingly disagree.

Getting good couples therapy and learning how to fight fair can be crucial. When children see that conflict with a significant other can be negotiated with compassion, understanding, and humor, they learn valuable lessons about relationship management.

The Widening Gyre: stressed-out parents and stressed-out kids in a perilous time

In today's world, parents experience an all-time high of stress, which trickles down to their children.

Economic uncertainty, political instability, and social upheaval create a backdrop of anxiety that permeates daily life.

Overwhelmed by these external pressures, parents often find it difficult to maintain a peaceful home environment, inadvertently exposing their children to conflict and stress.

The COVID-19 pandemic has exacerbated these issues, bringing unprecedented challenges to family dynamics. Remote work, homeschooling, and health fears have increased the frequency and intensity of parental conflicts. Kids, already coping with disrupted routines and social isolation, are further burdened by witnessing their parents' struggles.

The Cycle of Stress and Conflict

The cycle of stress is self-perpetuating. Stressed-out parents are more likely to engage in conflict, and the more children witness these conflicts, the more stressed they become. This stress manifests in various ways, including behavioral problems, academic struggles, and mental health issues.

Research shows that children from high-conflict homes are more likely to experience anxiety and depression, which can persist into adulthood. They may also struggle with forming healthy relationships, perpetuating a cycle of conflict and stress in their own lives.

Breaking the Cycle

To break this cycle, parents need to focus on creating a stable and loving home environment. This involves not only managing their stress but also learning effective conflict resolution skills. Couples therapy can be a valuable tool in helping parents navigate their differences constructively.

Dr. Harold emphasizes the importance of positive conflict resolution: “Arguments that are dealt with effectively, conducted calmly, and show clear messages of negotiation and resolution have positive implications for children. Children can learn about effective conflict resolution from their parents.”

By modeling healthy communication and conflict resolution, parents can teach their children valuable skills that will serve them throughout their lives.

Final thoughts

This research suggests that when a kid is having problems in school, it’s far more important that parents are offered help to improve their marital bond. They need that much more than just help with their parenting skills.

Focusing on maintaining a healthy, happy marriage can significantly enhance parents' children's emotional and developmental well-being.

In a time of unprecedented stress and uncertainty, the stability of the home environment becomes even more crucial.

Perhaps a renewed cultural focus on the family, and relationship issues is what’s needed.

As a species, we need to learn to manage conflict healthily; parents must create a sanctuary for their children amidst the chaos of the outside world.

This not only benefits the children but also strengthens the family unit, providing a foundation of support and resilience for all its members.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.