The Carter Family: A Story of "Parentification Glow-Up”
Sunday, January, 26, 2025.
When Charlotte Carter first walked into my office, she had the calm, confident demeanor of someone who had been "handling things" her entire life.
At 35, she was the kind of person everyone relied on—her colleagues called her a born leader, her friends joked she was their "therapist," and her younger sister, Rachel, often referred to her as "second mom."
But as she sat down, a different side of Charlotte emerged. “I should be proud of how far I’ve come,” she said, a tremor in her voice. “But I feel...empty. Like I skipped a whole part of life I can’t get back.”
Her words weren’t unusual for someone who had grown up parentified, taking on adult responsibilities long before she should have.
Charlotte had spent her childhood caring for her younger siblings, managing the household, and emotionally supporting her mother through a turbulent divorce—all before her 16th birthday.
She had achieved a remarkable "glow-up," as social media calls it, thriving despite her early struggles. But the pride of her resilience was always tinged with sadness for the childhood she had lost.
A Childhood Spent Parenting
Charlotte was the oldest of three kids, raised in a household that could generously be described as "chaotic." Her father left when she was ten, and her mother, Denise, struggled to make ends meet. Denise worked double shifts at a diner, often leaving Charlotte in charge of her siblings, Rachel (then six) and Max (then four).
“I was packing lunches and helping with homework while my friends were riding bikes and having sleepovers,” Charlotte explained. “I didn’t mind at the time—I just did what had to be done. But now I realize how much I missed.”
Charlotte’s parentification wasn’t just logistical; it was emotional.
Denise leaned heavily on her daughter, confiding in her about finances, her heartbreak, and her fears for the future. “I felt like her therapist,” Charlotte said. “Even now, I have a hard time seeing her as...the parent.”
The Glow-Up—and Its Costs
Charlotte’s early responsibilities shaped her into the high-achieving adult she is today. She’s a successful project manager, known for her ability to juggle tasks and manage crises. Her friends and colleagues describe her as a rock—steady, reliable, and always in control.
But that control came at a cost.
Sibling Dynamics: Rachel and Max idolize Charlotte but often treat her more like a parent than a sister. “Rachel calls me for advice on everything,” Charlotte said. “I love her, but sometimes it feels like I’m still the one in charge.”
Adult Relationships: Charlotte has a pattern of choosing partners who depend on her emotionally. “I’m always the caretaker,” she admitted. “I don’t know how to let someone take care of me.”
Career Choices: Her career success is undeniable, but Charlotte often feels burnt out. “I’ve been running on overdrive since I was ten,” she said. “I don’t know how to slow down.”
Finding Herself in Therapy
In our work together, the first thing we addressed was Charlotte’s tendency to dismiss her own needs. “You’ve spent your life taking care of everyone else,” I told her. “It’s time to learn how to take care of you.”
Here’s what that journey looked like:
Reclaiming Playfulness
Charlotte’s "lost childhood" became a recurring theme in our sessions. To heal, we worked on reconnecting her with the playful, carefree part of herself. I encouraged her to try activities that felt joyful and silly—taking a pottery class, going to karaoke nights, even buying a pair of roller skates.
“At first, I felt ridiculous,” she admitted with a laugh after her first skate. “But then I realized—I’m allowed to have fun.”
Redefining Boundaries
One of Charlotte’s biggest challenges was setting boundaries, especially with Rachel and Max. “I don’t want to let them down,” she said. “But I’m exhausted.”
We practiced scripts for those tough conversations. When Rachel called for advice for the third time in a week, Charlotte gently said, “I love you, but I need some space right now. I trust you to figure this out—you’re stronger than you think.”
Exploring Vulnerability in Relationships
Charlotte struggled to let herself be cared for. “I don’t want to be a burden,” she said. Together, we unpacked this belief and worked on small steps toward vulnerability, like letting her partner plan date nights or sharing her fears without minimizing them.
“It feels strange to let someone else take the lead,” she said. “But also...kind of nice.”
Celebrating Her Strengths Without Overidentifying With Them
Charlotte’s resilience is a gift, but it doesn’t define her entire worth. “You’re more than what you do for others,” I reminded her. We practiced affirmations and mindfulness exercises to help her internalize this truth.
The Healing Ripple Effect
As Charlotte began to heal, her relationships transformed. Rachel and Max, inspired by Charlotte’s boundary-setting, started stepping into their own independence. Denise, noticing the change in Charlotte, began therapy herself. “It’s like a domino effect,” Charlotte said. “I’m taking care of myself, and somehow, it’s making everyone else stronger too.”
But perhaps the most profound change was in Charlotte herself. She no longer felt like her identity was tied to being the "rock" for everyone else. “I’m learning that it’s okay to be soft,” she said. “To ask for help. To just...be.”
A Message for Parentified Adults
Charlotte’s story is one of hope for anyone who grew up too fast. Being parentified shapes you, yes—but it doesn’t define you. You can thrive, heal, and reclaim the parts of yourself that were left behind.
To all the Charlottes out there: Your strength is remarkable, but so is your capacity for joy, connection, and rest. The glow-up doesn’t have to stop at success. It can also be about softness, playfulness, and learning to let the world take care of you for a change.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.