Overthinking in Relationships 2E: A Twice-Exceptional Journey

Friday, September 20, 2024.

We've all heard the classic joke about overthinking: "Why make a simple decision when you can turn it into an existential crisis?"

While it’s a funny quirk for many, overthinking is a frequent reality for twice-exceptional (2E) folks.

These are people who are both intellectually gifted and have neurodevelopmental challenges like ADHD, autism, or sensory processing disorders.

In relationships, this can lead to seemingly simple moments morphing into a mental maze, with science offering fascinating insights into why.

Let’s explore how twice-exceptionality impacts relationships.

Twice-Exceptionality Explained

Twice-exceptionality is an unusual combination of gifts and challenges, where high intellectual abilities coexist with neurodevelopmental difficulties.

A person may excel at problem-solving, creativity, and abstract thinking but struggle with focus, emotional regulation, or sensory overload (Home).

This paradox can create a unique set of relational dynamics, especially when it comes to emotional and interpersonal processing.

Researchers like Foley Nicpon et al. (2011) have found that 2E folks often face significant difficulties in traditional environments, and this can extend to personal relationships. Their intellectual prowess might lead them to see layers of meaning in communication, but their challenges—such as impulsivity or difficulty managing emotions—can turn these insights into complex internal debates ​.

Overthinking Simple Requests

Let’s set the stage: Your partner asks you to pick up milk on your way home. Easy, right? Not for someone who’s twice-exceptional. Here's how the thought process might unfold:

“Which milk? Did they want almond or oat? Wait, are we doing dairy-free this week? What if I choose wrong and ruin breakfast tomorrow? Should I call? But what if calling makes me seem incompetent? Maybe I should just pick both, but then what does that say about me as a partner?”

This scenario isn’t just hypothetical; research shows that folks with ADHD or anxiety often struggle with decision-making do to fear of making mistakes (Brown, 2013).

When paired with perfectionism common among gifted partners, it’s no wonder that a simple errand becomes an elaborate mental exercise. Neurodiverse folks can get caught up in "analysis paralysis"—a state where overthinking stalls decision-making, as studied by Sarkis (2017) in her work on ADHD and executive function.

Emotional Depth Meets Overanalysis

Twice-exceptional partners don’t just overthink tasks—they overanalyze emotional cues, too. In relationships, this means they may pick up on nuances that others miss but can also misinterpret intentions.

Consider a partner saying, “I’m fine.” For a 2E person, this might trigger a cascade of thoughts:

“Fine? Are they actually fine, or are they upset but not saying so? Should I press further or give them space? Maybe I said something wrong earlier, and this is a sign. But what if I bring it up and they get annoyed?”

According to Grossman et al. (2017), folks on the autism spectrum or with ADHD are often highly sensitive to emotional and social cues, leading them to overanalyze communication patterns. This sensitivity can be both a strength and a source of anxiety, making conversations feel like a minefield of potential missteps.

Strengths in Problem-Solving and Creativity

Let’s flip the narrative—because it’s not all overthinking and emotional overload. Twice-exceptional people often bring incredible strengths to relationships. Their problem-solving skills are unmatched, and their creativity is limitless.

According to Baum et al. (2014), folks with twice-exceptionality often excel in divergent thinking, the ability to generate creative solutions, which can be a tremendous asset in partnerships (Home).

Imagine being stuck in a rut with your partner.

Where others might suggest a basic date night, the twice-exceptional partner comes up with an elaborate scavenger hunt through the city or a personalized project that brings both of you closer together. Their ability to think outside the box helps keep the relationship vibrant and engaging.

The Importance of Patience and Clear Communication

Given the complexity of a twice-exceptional mind, clear communication becomes vital in relationships. Science supports this approach—research by Kaufman (2018) highlights that twice-exceptional partners benefit from straightforward, unambiguous instructions, reducing the likelihood of misinterpretation .

For example, instead of saying, “Pick up milk,” try saying, “Can you grab regular 2% milk?” These small adjustments can significantly reduce the mental load for a 2E partner, as they won’t be caught in the spiral of analyzing every possible milk variety.

Navigating Twice-Exceptional Relationships: Practical Strategies

If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s twice-exceptional, there are plenty of ways to make things work smoothly:

• Clear and Direct Communication
  Twice-exceptional partners often overanalyze vague language. When you communicate clearly and directly, you prevent them from falling down a mental rabbit hole. Science backs this up—clarity in communication helps reduce anxiety in neurodiverse individuals (Sarkis, 2017).

• Celebrate Their Strengths
  Twice-exceptional partners also bring incredible creativity and problem-solving to the table. Let them shine in these areas! Research shows that embracing their strengths not only builds their confidence but also strengthens the relationship (Baum et al., 2014).

• Offer Reassurance and Patience
  Overthinking doesn’t mean a lack of confidence in you; it’s just how their brain works. Offering gentle reassurance can help calm the mental noise. Studies on ADHD and anxiety show that supportive communication from partners can significantly reduce stress levels in 2E folks (Brown, 2013).

Twice the Love, Twice the Fun (and Twice the Overthinking)

Relationships with twice-exceptional folks are a unique blend of brilliance, creativity, and yes—a healthy dose of overthinking. But with the right balance of patience, clear communication, and a sense of humor, these relationships can be deeply rewarding.

Twice-exceptional partners may overanalyze the grocery list, but they’ll also overanalyze how to love you better—and that’s a kind of overthinking we could all use more of.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Baum, S. M., Schader, R. M., & Hébert, T. P. (2014). Twice-Exceptional and Special Populations of Gifted Students. Prufrock Press.

Brown, T. E. (2013). A New Understanding of ADHD in Children and Adults: Executive Function Impairments. Routledge.

Foley Nicpon, M., Allmon, A., Sieck, B., & Stinson, R. D. (2011). Twice-exceptional learners: Who needs to know what?Gifted Child Quarterly, 55(1), 3-18.

Grossman, R. B., Edelson, L. R., & Tager-Flusberg, H. (2017). Emotional Facial and Vocal Expressions in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: A Developmental Perspective. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(7), 2237-2250.

Kaufman, S. B. (2018). Twice Exceptional: Supporting and Educating Bright and Creative Students with Learning Difficulties. Oxford University Press.

Sarkis, S. M. (2017). Executive Function Difficulties and ADHD: Coping Mechanisms and Strategies. Springer.