Overcoming the hesitation to revive old friendships
Monday, June 24, 2024.
Therapists often witness the deep longing people have for connection.
It's a paradox of our time: despite the myriad ways we can communicate, many of us feel more isolated than ever.
This paradox extends to our friendships, where folks often hesitate to revive old connections, despite the clear benefits of doing so.
A recent study by Dr. Gillian Sandstrom and Professor Lara Aknin sheds light on why this is the case and offers some insights into how we might overcome these barriers.
Why Are We Hesitant to Reconnect?
Even though many people express a desire to reconnect with old friends, only about one-third actually take the step to do so. Dr. Sandstrom and Professor Aknin’s study involving nearly 2,500 participants reveals several key barriers:
Fear of Rejection: Many people worry that their old friend won't want to hear from them. This fear can be paralyzing and prevent people from reaching out.
Awkwardness: The passage of time can make the idea of reconnecting seem awkward. People feel self-conscious about the gap in contact.
Guilt: There's often a sense of guilt for having let the relationship lapse, which can act as a significant deterrent.
Interestingly, few participants cited being "too busy" as the main reason for not reconnecting, which suggests that the hesitation is more about emotional barriers than practical ones.
The social fragmentation paradox
In his seminal book, Bowling Alone, Robert D. Putnam discusses the decline of social capital in America, highlighting how social networks and community engagement have eroded over the past decades. This erosion extends to personal relationships, where increasing numbers of people report feeling lonely and disconnected despite living in a time of unprecedented technological connectivity.
Putnam's work underscores a critical point: the fabric of our social lives is fraying. Dr. Sandstrom states, “We live in a time when people are more and more disconnected and have fewer close friends than they used to in years past.” This disconnection can have profound effects on our emotional well-being and sense of belonging.
The Challenge of Reconnection
The researchers conducted several studies to explore ways to encourage people to reconnect with old friends.
Despite participants acknowledging the value of these relationships, only about one-third of those given the opportunity to draft a message to an old friend actually sent it. This hesitation was linked to concerns about how the message would be received and the potential awkwardness of rekindling a lapsed friendship.
Dr. Sandstrom remarked, “Interestingly, despite people telling us that a key barrier to making contact with an old friend was concerns over how the message might be received, the intervention that we devised to help overcome this anxiety had little effect.”
Taking the First Step
To overcome this barrier, the researchers turned to a method inspired by Dr. Sandstrom’s previous work on talking to strangers. They had participants practice messaging current friends first, which served as a warm-up before reaching out to old friends. This approach significantly increased the likelihood of participants reconnecting with their old friends by two-thirds.
“When people were given time to practice in a situation that felt more comfortable, namely by sending messages to current friends, they were much more likely to make the leap to messaging someone they had lost touch with,” explained Dr. Sandstrom.
The Joy of Reconnection
Despite the initial hesitation, reconnecting with old friends can be a profound source of happiness and fulfillment. Professor Aknin noted, “We know from decades of research that social relationships are a key source of happiness and meaning in our lives.” Reviving these connections can rekindle not only the friendship itself but also a sense of shared history and understanding that new relationships might lack.
A personal anecdote from the researchers illustrates this point. Dr. Sandstrom and Professor Aknin, old friends themselves, reconnected and decided to collaborate on their study after a period of disconnection. Their experience underscores the potential joy and meaningfulness that can come from taking that first step to reach out.
Final thoughts
In our increasingly disconnected world, reviving old friendships can be a powerful antidote to loneliness. The benefits of social connection are well-documented, and the act of reaching out, though initially daunting, can lead to significant emotional rewards.
As a couples therapist, I encourage you to take that step in an open and transparent manner, and obviously, not with old flames or attractive others.
Whether it's a simple message or a longer note, reaching out to someone from your past can bring unexpected joy and a renewed sense of connection.
So, what are you waiting for? Send that message today and rediscover the joy of an old friendship.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Putnam, R. D. (2000). Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon & Schuster.
Aknin, L. B., & Sandstrom, G. M. (2024). People are surprisingly hesitant to reach out to old friends. Communications Psychology, 2(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00075-8
