How to talk to your spouse about money without fighting

Wednesday, July 10, 2024.

Money, they say, makes the world go round. But when it comes to discussing finances with your spouse, it can feel more like you’re spinning in circles—or worse, gearing up for a boxing match.

Fear not, dear reader, for I, your trusty couples therapist, am here to guide you through the treacherous terrain of marital money talks.

With a pinch of humor and a dollop of research-backed advice, you'll be able to navigate these conversations without turning them into arguments. Let's dive in.

1. Set the Stage

Just like a good date, the setting for your money talk matters. Don’t initiate this conversation when either of you is stressed, hungry, or in the middle of binge-watching your favorite show. Choose a calm, neutral time and place where you can focus on each other without distractions. Think of it as a mini financial date—minus the expensive dinner.

2. Start with Empathy

Before diving into numbers, start with feelings. Acknowledge that money is a sensitive topic and express your understanding of your partner’s perspective. Say something like, “I know talking about money can be stressful, but I think it's important for us to discuss our finances openly. How do you feel about it?” This shows you’re approaching the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen.

3. Use "I" Statements

When discussing finances, avoid pointing fingers or making accusations. Instead, use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. For example, "I feel anxious when we don’t have a budget because I’m worried about our future." This way, you’re focusing on your own experiences rather than blaming your partner, which can help prevent defensiveness.

4. Focus on Common Goals

Money talks are less about who spent what and more about what you both want for your future. Identify your common goals—whether it's buying a house, saving for a vacation, or paying off debt—and discuss how you can achieve them together. This shifts the conversation from a potential blame game to a collaborative effort.

5. Be Transparent

Honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to finances. Share your financial situation openly, including any debts, savings, and spending habits. Transparency builds trust and ensures that both partners are on the same page. Plus, it's harder to fight over hidden expenses if there aren’t any hidden expenses to begin with.

6. Create a Budget Together

A budget is like a financial roadmap. Creating one together can help you both understand where your money is going and how you can manage it better. Use budgeting apps or old-school spreadsheets—whatever works for you. The key is to make it a joint effort, so both of you are invested in sticking to it.

7. Schedule Regular Check-ins

Don’t let your money talk be a one-time event. Schedule regular financial check-ins—monthly or quarterly—where you review your budget, discuss any changes, and adjust your plans as needed. These check-ins keep the lines of communication open and help prevent small issues from becoming big problems.

8. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If money talks continue to lead to arguments, it might be time to seek help from a financial advisor or a couples therapist. Sometimes, an objective third party can provide valuable insights and help you develop strategies to manage your finances without conflict.

Recent Research on Money and Relationships

Recent studies have shown that couples who communicate openly about their finances tend to have stronger relationships and lower levels of financial stress. According to a study by Dew and Xiao (2011), couples who regularly discuss their financial goals and challenges are more likely to achieve financial stability and relationship satisfaction.

Another study published in the Journal of Family and Economic Issues found that financial transparency and joint decision-making are key factors in reducing financial conflicts and promoting marital harmony (Olson, 2013).

Final thoughts

Talking about money with your spouse doesn’t have to be a battlefield. With the right approach, you can turn these conversations into opportunities for growth and collaboration.

Remember, it's not about winning or losing—it's about working together towards a common goal. So, put on your financial therapist hat, grab your partner, and start talking. Your wallet—and your relationship—will thank you.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Dew, J., & Xiao, J. J. (2011). The financial management behavior scale: Development and validation. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22(1), 43-59.

Olson, P. D. (2013). Financial management behaviors: Scale development and validation. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 34(4), 475-490.