Niceness Is Not Intimacy: The Case for Telling the Awkward Truth in Marriage
Sunday, June 22, 2025. This is for Brad Blanton
There’s a specific kind of loneliness that only happens in long-term relationships.
It doesn’t come with shouting matches or dramatic exits.
No, this kind sneaks in through the back door with a smile and a perfectly normal tone of voice.
It sounds like this:
“No, it’s fine.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“I don’t want to make a thing out of it.”
Congratulations. You’ve become emotionally polite. And, if you're not careful, terminally nice.
Let’s be clear: kindness is great.
Kindness helps marriages survive cancer, financial ruin, and IKEA furniture assembly.
But chronic niceness—that careful editing of your inner world for the sake of peacekeeping? That’s a different animal entirely.
And according to a growing body of real, peer-reviewed science, it’s not intimacy. It’s invisible slow-motion emotional avoidance. Brad Blanton has been talking about this for over 50 years.
What the Research Says: Honesty Is Good for Your Marriage (Even When It Hurts)
Let’s start with the obvious truth that most couples avoid: we want change in each other, but we’re afraid to say it out loud.
In a 2025 study from the University of Rochester, researchers Bonnie Le and colleagues tested what happens when people actually express those desires—you know, the truly awkward sh*t like:
“I wish you’d initiate more,” or
“I need more space,” or
“I don’t feel understood when you do that thing with your phone.”
Here’s the shocker: couples who voiced these hard truths increased their well-being and relationship satisfaction—regardless of whether their partner agreed with them or not (Le et al., 2025).
That’s right. The act of expressing a difficult truth, kindly but clearly, made things better. Not just for the one speaking, but for the listener too.
Why? Because truth is data. It’s clarity. It’s something to work with.
The alternative—emotional posturing, cheerful withdrawal, or martyrdom—leaves your partner confused and you quietly miserable.
Honesty Doesn’t Just Help the Relationship — It Helps You
Let’s zoom out. When you speak your truth in an intimate relationship, you're not just giving your partner a better shot at understanding you. You’re also doing something psychologically profound:
You’re cohering your identity.
Recent research in Applied Cognitive Psychology has shown that when people describe relationship-defining memories, those who construct clear, coherent, emotionally integrated narratives have higher well-being and emotional resilience (Song et al., 2025).
In short: honest conversations create honest memories—and help you integrate your sense of self over time.
Want to feel less fragmented? Want your life to make more sense?
Try telling the truth to someone who loves you.
“But I Don’t Want to Hurt Them…”
Of course you don’t. You’re a good person. Good people fear hurting their partners.
But here’s what the research says about avoidance: it quietly erodes your relationship’s structural integrity.
Relational Dialectics Theory—yes, that’s a thing—says every relationship balances between openness and closedness, autonomy and connection (Baxter & Montgomery, 1988). When couples suppress openness in favor of artificial harmony, they often drift into emotional disengagement and eventually, silent resentment.
Also, the Rochester study noted that people underestimate how well their partner can actually handle the truth. We assume disclosure will lead to disconnection—but in practice, it leads to clarity, motivation, and empathy (Le et al., 2025).
So no, speaking up won’t kill your relationship. But staying silent might.
A Simple Practice That’s Scientifically Backed
Here’s a weekly ritual inspired by Le et al. (2025) that’s small, awkward, and potentially transformative.
The “One Truth” Ritual:
Once a week, each of you takes a turn and says:
“Here’s one thing I’ve been holding back, and I want to share it kindly.”
That’s it. No defenses. No debate. Just truth and listening.
If that feels too raw, write it down first. Writing increases emotional clarity and self-awareness (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016).
What Happens If You Don’t?
Over time, when couples avoid these small disclosures:
They become emotionally risk-averse.
Their emotional vocabulary shrinks.
Their intimacy dries up like the Sahara in July.
And eventually, one or both partners say the sentence no therapist wants to hear:
“I just don’t feel known by you.”
That sentence doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s built over months (or years) of careful non-conversations.
Final Thought: Truth Is the Opposite of Disappearance
In a world that rewards image management, curating, and self-silencing, telling the truth—especially in your marriage—is a revolutionary act.
So here’s the invitation:
Say the awkward thing.
Say it gently.
Say it in love.
Say it before it submerges under a sea of resentment.
Want a practical way to do this?
Drop me a line, and I’ll send you the worksheet “From Peacekeeping to Truth-Telling”
It has structured exercise with sentence starters, rituals, and guidance for couples who’ve grown too polite to be close.
Be Well, Stay Calm, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bruce, M. J., Chang, A., Evans, L., Streb, M., & Dehon, J. (2022). Relationship of conflict, conflict avoidance, and conflict resolution to psychological adjustment. Psychological Reports.en.wikipedia.org+1academic.oup.com+1cambridge.org+10sciencedirect.com+10pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+10academic.oup.com+1pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+1mdpi.comarxiv.orgen.wikipedia.org
Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1993). Emotional suppression: consequences for physiological and subjective experience. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
Le, B. M., Chee, P. X., Shimshock, C. J., & Le, J. D. V. (2025). Expressed and perceived honesty benefits relationships even when couples are not accurate. Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening up by writing it down: How expressive writing improves health and eases emotional pain (3rd ed.). Guilford Press. cambridge.org
Rodriguez, L. M., et al. (2021). Expressive writing reduces relationship conflict and aggression during pandemic. University of South Florida. researchgate.net+4stpetersburg.usf.edu+4pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+4
Song, Q., Braimon, R., & Wang, Q. (2025). Narrative identity in relationship-defining memories and well‑being. Applied Cognitive Psychology, 39(3), 585–601.