Navigating Conflict in Neurodiverse Relationships: Gottman’s Science, Social Mishaps, and the Road to Connection

Friday, February 21, 2025.

Conflict in neurodiverse relationships is not just about who left the cap off the toothpaste or who forgot to text back—it’s often a clash of different operating systems.

Imagine an Apple computer trying to communicate with a Windows PC, except these computers love each other and share a mortgage.

That’s where the Gottman Institute’s research (Gottman & Gottman, 2017) comes in, offering science-backed insights into how couples with different neurotypes can bridge the great divide of misunderstanding.

Why Do Conflicts Escalate in Neurodiverse Relationships?

John Gottman, the dean of relationship research, found that conflict often arises from a fundamental mismatch in how partners process the world (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Neurodivergent partners—whether autistic, ADHDers, or otherwise uniquely wired—may struggle with implicit social rules, while neurotypical partners expect intuitive emotional signaling. This mismatch can create a perfect storm of unintended offense and frustration (Brown-Lavoie et al., 2014).

One partner might believe they’re offering a straightforward answer; the other hears bluntness that stings.

One partner might need time to process before responding; the other reads this as stonewalling.

Meanwhile, society’s romantic scripts (which, let’s face it, are largely written for neuro-normatives) don’t help, setting expectations for spontaneous emotional exchanges that may not come naturally for both partners.

Gottman’s Antidote: The Repair Attempt and the Science of Connection

Gottman’s research emphasizes repair attempts—those small moments when one partner tries to de-escalate conflict, whether with humor, a bid for touch, or a well-timed “I see what you mean.”

These moments are relationship gold (Gottman & Gottman, 2017).

Neurodivergent partners, however, may need to make these bids a tad more explicit and structured.

Instead of relying on nonverbal cues, explicitly stating, “I want us to get back to a good place” or even using a pre-agreed signal (like tapping the table twice) can prevent spirals into the abyss of miscommunication.

Structured Conflict Resolution: A Gottman-Approved Toolkit

To keep conversations from derailing, Gottman (1999) encourages couples to adopt structured communication habits. In a neurodiverse context, this means:

• Establishing Clear Discussion Rules. Pre-determined phrases like “I need a break, let’s talk about something else for a while” help regulate intense conversations (Porges, 2011).

• Using Written Or Visual Communication. Some neurodiverse partners find processing verbal information stressful—text-based discussion can sometimes clarify meaning.

• Practicing Turn-Taking. Structured conversation techniques, like taking turns speaking for two minutes each, can reduce interruptions and overwhelm (Geurts & Jansen, 2012).

• Externalizing Emotions. Writing feelings down before discussing them can help reduce impulsive reactions (Solomon, 2012).

When Gottman Meets Neurodiversity

Gottman’s famed “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) apply to all relationships, but some studies suggest that neurodiverse partners may need somewhat specialized strategies to mitigate them. For example:

• Research on alexithymia (difficulty identifying and expressing emotions) suggests that labeling emotions explicitly is critical to reducing conflict (Bird & Cook, 2013).

• Some ADHD-focused studies contrast with Gottman’s insistence on immediate repair attempts, instead recommending time-delayed conflict resolution due to impulsivity issues (Barkley, 2015).

• While Gottman suggests a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions for a healthy relationship (Gottman & Gottman, 2017), some researchers argue that in neurodiverse relationships, predictability and consistency matter more than positive affect (Geurts & Jansen, 2012).

Neurodiverse Love is Built on Adaptation, Not Assumption

Neurodiverse relationships thrive when both partners recognize that they process social and emotional information differently—but neither is “wrong.”

While Gottman provides a stellar roadmap, adaptation is key. Love isn't about getting your partner to function exactly like you—it’s about learning how they function and meeting them where they are.

Relationships Are Like Debugging a Glitchy App

If you’ve ever had to restart your phone a few times to get it to work, you understand relationships.

Few get it right on the first try.

Neurodiverse relationships, in particular, require occasional tinkering, upgrading, and patching bugs, all while keeping an eye on the larger goal—staying connected. If you’ve read this far, I can help with that.

Whether it's using humor to defuse tension or creating structured communication strategies, a Gottman-inspired approach makes it possible to transform misunderstandings into moments of growth.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment. Guilford Publications.

Bird, G., & Cook, R. (2013). Mixed emotions: The contribution of alexithymia to the emotional symptoms of autism. Translational Psychiatry, 3(7), e285.

Brown-Lavoie, S. M., Viecili, M. A., & Weiss, J. A. (2014). Sexual knowledge and victimization in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 44(9), 2185-2196.

Geurts, H. M., & Jansen, M. D. (2012). A retrospective chart study: The pathway to a diagnosis for adults referred for ASD assessment. Autism, 16(3), 299-305.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

Solomon, M. (2012). Not just watching the clock: Understanding time perception in autism. Neuropsychology, 26(1), 101-108.