Understanding Narcissism in Relationships
Tuesday, May 28, 2024.
Narcissism can often be mistaken for just high self-confidence or a little bit of self-absorption. But trust me, as a couples therapist, I've seen that this personality trait is far more complex than that.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism involves being self-centered, boastful, and preoccupied with one’s own needs. It’s pretty common and, to some extent, normal among people. After all, who doesn't enjoy a bit of admiration now and then?
However, narcissism exists on a continuum. While most of us have a sprinkle of narcissistic traits, at its extreme, narcissism can develop into a personality disorder.
Key Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Here are some typical signs you might notice in someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD):
Superiority Complex: They believe they are better than others.
Arrogance: They come off as conceited.
Envy: They crave power, prestige, and adoration.
Self-Absorption: They are extremely focused on themselves.
Lack of Empathy: They show little concern for others' feelings.
Types of Narcissists
Psychologists categorize narcissists into two main types:
Grandiose Narcissists: They have an inflated sense of self-importance.
Vulnerable or Covert Narcissists: They are defensive, see others as hostile, and are linked to higher levels of anxiety and depression.
Let's dive into how these traits manifest:
Brittle Self-Esteem:
At first glance, narcissists seem full of themselves. But unlike those with genuinely high self-esteem, narcissists feel superior yet are never quite satisfied with themselves. Their self-esteem is like a fragile shell, easily cracked by criticism, revealing deep insecurities underneath.
Susceptibility to Flattery:
Narcissists thrive on flattery. They soak up exaggerated praise like a sponge, believing they deserve every word. If you don't flatter them, they'll fish for it: "What do you think of my hair today? Doesn't it look fabulous?" Their boundless ambition makes them believe they are royalty in need of constant adoration.
Attention-Seeking Behavior:
Narcissists can be quite the charmers, turning on the charisma to make a grand entrance. It's no wonder they often find themselves in the spotlight, from reality TV shows to social media. Their antics can be entertaining, providing a break from the mundane... until their true nature surfaces.
Deep-Rooted Envy:
Envy in a narcissist isn't just an occasional feeling; it burns brightly. They constantly compare themselves to others, deriving pleasure from devaluing people and showcasing their own superiority. This competitiveness makes them poor losers, always striving to come out on top.
Lack of Empathy:
Narcissists are notorious for their lack of empathy. Their primary concern is getting their own needs met, often at the expense of others. They can be manipulative, using others to boost their own egos, then discarding them without a second thought once they’ve gotten what they want.
Volatility:
Some narcissists manage to keep their tendencies in check and maintain jobs and relationships. However, more volatile narcissists frequently explode with "narcissistic rage" at the slightest criticism. Their envy, insecurity, and vanity often push people away, leaving them in a constant search for new admirers.
Body Language Signs of Narcissism
Beyond these behavioral traits, certain body language cues can also signal narcissism:
They use more sexual language and swearing to grab attention.
Their facial expressions and hand gestures are overly dramatic.
They tend to speak loudly.
They often look over your shoulder while talking, scanning for someone more interesting.
Interestingly, research shows that narcissists don’t use the pronoun “I” more frequently than others. Angela Carey, the study’s first author, noted:
“There is a widely assumed association between use of first-person singular pronouns, what we call I-talk, and narcissism, among laypeople and scientists despite the fact that the empirical support for this relation is surprisingly sparse and generally inconsistent.”
Personality Traits of Narcissists
While not all narcissists have a personality disorder, their narcissistic tendencies can be seen in their personality traits. Studies have found that narcissists are highly extroverted but also very disagreeable. This combination explains why they are sociable yet often rude and selfish.
Their extraversion makes them appear positive and confident, which can be attractive initially. However, their lack of interest in others’ feelings and propensity for manipulative behavior soon becomes evident.
Professor Delroy L. Paulhus, an expert on dark personalities, explains:
“…reward-sensitivity as the central component. Thus, the pursuit of rewarding goals is paramount in the cognitions of extraverts. They also show high levels of self-confidence, optimism, and promiscuous sexual behavior. Disagreeable individuals display, at best, a cold disdain for others and aggressive anger, when frustrated.”
Final thoughts
The narcissist’s relationships are characterized by an asymmetric positive view of themselves and a negative view of others. This stands in contrast to those with high self-esteem, who maintain a positive view of themselves and others.
Understanding these traits can help you navigate relationships with narcissists more effectively. Whether in therapy or daily interactions, recognizing the signs of narcissism is the first step towards managing its impact on your life.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
