My Inner Child Has a Therapist, But My Inner Parent Is Still a Jerk: An IFS Guide to Breaking Internal Cycles of Criticism
Monday, April 14, 2025.
Why Am I Still So Mean to Myself?
You’ve read the books. You follow @BigFeelingsCoach.
You validate your kid’s frustration when they pour applesauce into the radiator.
You whisper, “It’s okay to have big emotions,” while trying not to scream into your cardigan.
You are, in short, the embodiment of Gentle Parenting™.
And yet—at night, when the noise stops—you realize something awkward:
your inner child is healing... but your inner parent sounds suspiciously like a sociopathic swim coach.
You might be practicing emotional regulation with your toddler, but internally? You’re running a shame-based boarding school with no recess.
This meme says it all:
“My inner child has a therapist, but my inner parent is still a jerk.”
It’s funny because it’s true.
And it’s heartbreaking because it reveals the emotional paradox so many of us live with—we’re reparenting our children better than we’re reparenting ourselves.
To understand why, we need to talk about Parts Theory, and more specifically, the therapy model known as Internal Family Systems (IFS).
Parts Theory and IFS: A Quick and Gentle Explainer
No, you’re not broken. You’re just crowded.
IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz (2001), proposes that the human mind is made up of multiple sub-personalities or “parts.”
Think of them as little internal people with different fears, goals, and coping styles, all trying to help you survive.
Here’s the internal cast:
Exiles – These are your most wounded parts, usually rooted in childhood pain. They carry shame, fear, abandonment, and unmet needs. They're the ones your therapist is probably already helping you listen to.
Managers – These are the anxious, perfectionistic, self-critical parts that try to prevent emotional catastrophe. They run the to-do list, monitor your tone of voice, and silently judge your parenting in real time.
Firefighters – These parts slam the emergency button when pain threatens to escape. They might binge, doom-scroll, lash out, or dissociate. They don’t want to hurt you; they want to protect you—from you.
At the core of you, beneath these parts, is your Self: calm, compassionate, curious.
In IFS, healing happens when your Self leads—when it builds trusting relationships with your parts and unburdens their fear.
So Why Is Your Inner Parent Still a Jerk?
Because it’s not really you. It’s a blended manager part, locked in a decades-old role it took on to keep you safe.
When your inner critic says “You’re messing up your kid,” or “You’re failing at gentle parenting,” it’s not trying to ruin your life. It’s a scared little part doing what it learned to do: preempt abandonment by over-controlling you.
It watched your childhood, took notes, and concluded: If I’m hard on us, maybe they won’t be.
This is the unseen paradox of trauma-informed parenting.
We can give our kids the nurturance we never got—and still wind up weaponizing that very gentleness against ourselves.
We’ve Got Exile Glow-Ups and Manager Burnouts
Therapy culture has done a beautiful job of giving space to the inner child—that fragile exile who never got to cry, rage, or feel safe.
But in many parenting circles, the manager parts—the inner critic, the hypervigilant planner, the voice that tightens your jaw when you pack snacks—are still running the show without supervision.
In IFS, these parts aren’t enemies. They’re the overburdened.
They were forged in chaos and taught to cope by control. They never got the memo that safety is no longer a performance.
The meme nails it:
We’re validating our child’s nervous system while running on caffeine, shame, and Google Docs.
Parenting Perfectionism: When Gentle Parenting Gets Weaponized
Research backs up what the meme jokes about: perfectionistic parenting makes us more stressed, not less.
Snell, Overbey, and Brewer (2005) found that parental perfectionism is linked to:
Higher levels of burnout
Increased depression
Lower self-worth
Meanwhile, Moreira et al. (2018) showed that self-compassion is a far better predictor of positive parenting behaviors than performance.
In short: being kind to yourself helps your kid more than being flawless ever will.
The inner parent isn’t a jerk because it’s mean. It’s a jerk because it’s scared, overworked, and stuck in a role it no longer needs.
How to Unburden the Inner Parent (Without Firing Them)
You don’t exile your manager parts. That’s just more trauma. You build trust. You invite them to step back and let your Self take the wheel.
Here’s how, in IFS language:
Notice When You’re Blended
That moment when your child tantrums and a voice inside says, “You’re weak, you’re too soft, you’re failing”? That’s a part. Say, “Ah, hello manager—I see you.”Get Curious, Not Furious
Instead of judging the voice, get curious. “When did you learn to talk to me like this? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t?”Unblend and Reassure
Let your Self (the calm, compassionate core) talk to that part. “Thank you for trying to protect us. But you don’t have to do it that way anymore. I’ve got this.”Invite, Don’t Force
Ask the part: “Would you like to rest? To take on a new role?” Often these critics become inner mentors, advisors, even loving protectors—once they’re unburdened.
Your Kid Doesn’t Need a Perfect Parent. Just a Present One.
The meme is a spiritual X-ray of millennial and Gen Z parenting. We’ve moved mountains to break cycles. But sometimes, we become the cycle’s final performance.
IFS reminds us: we don’t need to exile the inner parent.
We need to help it feel safe enough to soften.
To stop yelling and start listening.
To become the parent we wish we had—and the one we deserve to be.
Reparenting Isn’t a Solo Job
Your inner child doesn’t just need a therapist.
Your inner parent needs one too.
Not because they’re bad—but because they were never taught another way.
Healing isn’t about firing your parts. It’s about changing the job description.
You can’t be gentle with your kid while running a dictatorship inside your head. But with patience, compassion, and some solid parts work? You can turn the inner parent from a jerk into a co-regulator.
And perhaps you’ll both finally feel safe enough to rest.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES
Moreira, H., Gouveia, M. J., Carona, C., Silva, N., & Canavarro, M. C. (2018). Self-compassion and parenting in mothers and fathers of children with chronic conditions: The mediating role of parenting stress. Mindfulness, 9(3), 823–833. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-017-0814-1
Neff, K. D., & Faso, D. J. (2015). Self-compassion and well-being in parents of children with autism. Mindfulness, 6, 938–947. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-014-0359-2
Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Internal family systems therapy. Guilford Press.
Snell, W. E., Overbey, G. A., & Brewer, A. L. (2005). Parenting perfectionism and the parenting role: Relationships with parental burnout, self-esteem, and depression. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(7), 1063–1071. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2005.24.7.1063
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.