What’s wrong with being Mono-Normative?
Monday, April 8, 2024.
As a couples therapist, I often find myself exploring various relationship dynamics with my clients. One emerging trend that's garnering attention is consensual non-monogamy…
It's a term used to describe relationships where partners agree to engage romantically or sexually with others outside their primary relationship.
Surprisingly, up to 5% of folks in the U.S. embrace such a lifestyle…
Research sheds light on the attitudes toward this phenomenon. For instance, about one-third of men express openness to having more than one wife or long-term girlfriend. However, when it comes to sharing their partner with someone else, only 9% are receptive to the idea.
Among women, the numbers are notably lower, with 11% considering having multiple husbands and only 5% willing to share their partner.
These insights stem from a survey conducted in the UK, where nearly 400 participants shared their views on polyandry and polygyny.
Polyandry involves a woman having multiple husbands or long-term partners, while polygyny refers to a man having multiple wives or partners. Dr. Andrew Thomas, who led the study, highlighted the gender disparities in acceptance. Men were significantly more inclined towards polygyny, while women showed slightly more openness to having multiple partners than sharing their existing one.
While many in Western societies still hold negative perceptions of polygamous relationships, they have historical and cultural roots in regions like the Middle East, Africa, and Asia. Dr. Thomas emphasizes that despite the recent spotlight on consensual non-monogamy, these relationship structures aren't novel. Polygynous marriages, where one husband shares multiple wives, have existed throughout human history.
Interestingly, although most partners still prefer monogamous relationships, a considerable minority, especially men, express openness to alternative arrangements. This trend challenges conventional norms, particularly in the UK, where such marriages are legally prohibited.
One might wonder about the emotional implications of non-monogamous relationships and mono-normative relationships.
Contrary to common assumptions, research suggests that folks in consensual non-monogamous relationships experience similar levels of satisfaction and trust as those in monogamous ones. But frankly, I’ve seen how sloppy and vague this research has been, and I tend to view poly-friendly research with a jaundiced eye… just sayin’.
Dr. Jessica Wood's study suggests that non-monogamous relationships are unfairly stigmatized and perceived as less fulfilling. In reality, she claims that they can offer the same levels of happiness and fulfillment as their mono-normative counterparts…
Dr. Wood analyzed data from 206 monogamous couples and 142 non-monogamous couples.
She and her colleagues compared the participants on scales that tapped into sexual motives, need fulfillment, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction and found there were no significant differences in sexual or relationship satisfaction between monogamous couples and those in CNM relationships.
Furthermore, another study found that jealousy levels were higher in monogamous relationships compared to non-monogamous ones. This finding challenges the notion that having multiple partners is inherently a sign of dissatisfaction with the primary relationship. In other words, is mono-normative bonding inherently flawed? That seems to be their argument.
Instead, the poly brigade suggests that humans may seek additional connections to fulfill diverse emotional and sexual needs. Because why should we go without?
In my practice, I often encounter clients grappling with jealousy, trust issues, and dissatisfaction within their relationships. These are common challenges irrespective of the relationship structure.
However, I’ve typically found clients in non-monogamous relationships to be rocked by chaos and relational insecurity. In other words, my clinical experience with Consensual Non-Monogamy did not line up in any way with this hopeful research, which is being so widely and enthusiastically promulgated.
For some, the decision to explore non-monogamy is rooted in a desire for variety or novelty in their intimate lives. The party line is that it's not about replacing their current partner but rather acknowledging that one person may not fulfill all their needs. Civilization is not based upon flirting with all others—it’s based on forsaking all others. The mono-normative lifestyle is a complete and total investment—it’s not a hedged bet.
Advocates claim that realization can lead to open and honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and expectations within the relationship. I say that the entire poly concept is but another manifestation of our willingness to upend civilization itself in order to satisfy our unscratchable itch for novelty.
Frankly, the idea that a study of a mere 200 humans choosing a lifestyle that deviates from civilization itself is so quickly validated and endorsed by couples therapists is deeply alarming to me.
Why are so many couples therapists eagerly and unquestioningly buying into becoming apologists for Consensual Non-Monagamy? Perhaps a better question is, since Mono-Normative relationships are the norm.. why aren’t cultural norms being defended? Do we feel no abiding debt to the nuclear family?
Can you show me a society where Consensual Non-Monogamy has resulted in an ever-advancing civilization? How about just a modestly advanced civilization? That's a trick question because there have been none in all the eons of recorded human history.
So they tell us that communication becomes paramount in non-monogamous relationships…
Partners must be transparent about their feelings, desires, and interactions with others.
I’m often amused by the lofty poly party line… there is a smugness, and a hubris that this poly-openness somehow fosters trust and intimacy, which are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships… no matter how many folks you’re having sex with… yeah.. right…
Is it necessary to even say that consensual non-monogamy isn't suitable for everyone?
Some folks find the idea unsettling or incompatible with their values and beliefs. I’d go as far as to say that the poly lifestyle is bad for humanity and that all of the arguments I’ve heard in favor of it are solipsistic and incredibly naive...
Couples must thoroughly explore their motivations and expectations before embarking on such a journey—that means before committing to one another.
The path to “opening up” a previously closed relationship is often a preoccupation of scoundrels, cads, and bounders of both genders. I’ll have no part of it.
As a couples therapist, I encourage my clients to explore what works best for them as a couple, but I tend to lean into the mono-normative. Hard.
I advise my couples that they can have any sort of relationship they can agree to. Whether it's monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, or any other relationship model, the key is to prioritize mutual respect, trust, and emotional well-being. But mono-normative is probably what your nervous system is used to, unless your parents were swingers.
While consensual non-monogamy challenges traditional relationship norms, it offers a challenging alternative for those brave souls seeking to explore different forms of intimacy and connection. Plenty of therapists are fad chasers…they will never challenge a paying client’s desire to “open up” their relationship—caveat emptor.
Frankly, I’m utterly unpersuaded that with open communication, trust, and understanding, couples can navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships and cultivate fulfilling partnerships. I wish more therapists would not endorse destructive fads such as Consensual Non-Monogamy.
Count me among the couples therapists who celebrate the disciplined approach to love and family-formation that built civilization in the first place… mono-normative human bonding.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Thomas, A.G., Harrison, S., Mogilski, J.K. et al. Polygamous Interest in a Mononormative Nation: The Roles of Sex and Sociosexuality in Polygamous Interest in a Heterosexual Sample from the UK. Arch Sex Behav 53, 611–627 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02749-6
Jessica Wood, Serge Desmarais, Tyler Burleigh, Robin Milhausen. Reasons for sex and relational outcomes in consensually nonmonogamous and monogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2018; 35 (4): 632 DOI: 10.1177/0265407517743082
Muise, A., Laughton, A. K., Moors, A., & Impett, E. A. (2018). Sexual need fulfillment and satisfaction in consensually nonmonogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518774638
Schechinger, H. Sakaluk J, & Moors, A. (2018). Harmful and helpful therapy practices with consensually non-monogamous clients: Toward an inclusive framework. Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology, 879-891. doi: 10.1037/ccp0000349
