The Marriage Sabbatical: A Path to Clarity or Cultural Distraction?
Friday, October 11, 2024.
In recent years, the marriage sabbatical has gained traction as a novel approach to addressing relationship burnout.
The basic premise?
Couples take a temporary break from each other—living apart for weeks or even months—to pursue individual growth, with the hope that the time away will reignite appreciation for the partnership.
It's not a divorce, nor is it a trial separation.
As journalist Zoe Williams points out, it’s sold as an opportunity to “forget the little irritations and realize how much you miss each other” (Williams, 2022).
But is this trend the fresh take on marriage it claims to be, or is it simply the product of cultural narcissism, further undermining the commitment required for long-term relationships?
As research and experience suggest, the relationship sabbatical may mask deeper relational issues and inadvertently foster emotional detachment, rather than promoting connection and healing.
Tracing the Origins: A Trend Rooted in Feminism and Individualism
The modern marriage sabbatical owes much to Cheryl Jarvis’s 1999 book The Marriage Sabbatical: The Journey That Brings You Home.
Jarvis’s concept, as she explained, was born from the idea that women needed space to pursue their personal dreams, a deviation from traditional roles (Jarvis, 1999). In the late 1990s, when women still faced significant societal expectations to prioritize family, the idea of taking a break to focus on personal fulfillment was seen as radical.
While Jarvis intended the sabbatical to be about self-discovery and empowerment, the concept has evolved. As Williams notes, post-COVID life has left many couples feeling like they could use a breather. The pressures of pandemic lockdowns revealed the challenges of constant proximity, leading some to believe that a temporary break could alleviate the strain (Williams, 2022).
This trend was further propelled by anecdotes like Celia Walden’s six-week break from her husband, Piers Morgan.
Walden traced the sabbatical to its American origins—where wives traditionally spent summers out of town, and husbands often took the opportunity to stray.
What Walden’s experience shows, however, is that physical absence does not automatically breed appreciation, and it certainly does not solve deeper issues in a marriage.
Cultural Narcissism and the Marriage Sabbatical
The marriage sabbatical is, in many ways, a reflection of our Cultural Narcissism.
We live in an age where self-fulfillment is often prioritized over relational obligations, as Christopher Lasch predicted in his book The Culture of Narcissism (Lasch, 1979). This mindset encourages us to believe that personal happiness is the key to everything—even if it means withdrawing from our most intimate relationships. The marriage sabbatical fits neatly into this narrative by promoting the idea that space and self-care can fix the complexities of marriage.
But space alone doesn’t heal emotional wounds. As relationship expert Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explains, lasting relational healing happens in the context of emotional connection, not emotional distance (Johnson, 2004). Studies show that attachment bonds thrive on closeness, responsiveness, and dependability (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
The very idea of taking a break undermines these foundational elements, turning the sabbatical into a form of avoidance rather than a path to resolution.
Realistic Consequences: Anna and James Revisited
My client couple Anna and James feel overwhelmed by the demands of their respective careers. They think a marriage sabbatical will give them the space they need to focus on their individual ambitions—Anna wants to reignite her passion for writing, and James resents not being able to monotropically focus on his startup.
The problem? When Anna and James take that time apart, they may find themselves not reinvigorated, but more emotionally distant.
Research from the University of Denver found that couples who underwent temporary separations often struggled to re-establish emotional intimacy upon returning, with some even reporting feelings of detachment (Stanley et al., 2014). What Anna and James hoped would bring clarity might instead sow seeds of disconnection.
As Terrence Real, a family therapist, says, even the healthiest marriages experience “normal marital hatred,” which is a natural part of intimacy and growth.
But the solution isn’t to flee the scene—it’s to confront these challenges head-on. By stepping back, couples miss the opportunity to build emotional resilience through vulnerability and connection (Real, 2022).
The Problem with Space as Therapy
While the notion of space sounds appealing in the short term, it’s a misunderstanding of what relationships truly need. Emotionally healthy couples learn to manage their conflicts within the relationship, not outside of it.
Taking a break to get some fresh air doesn’t tackle the underlying issues—it simply postpones them.
As Johnson explains, emotional responsiveness and attunement are the building blocks of secure relationships, and these don’t thrive in environments of distance (Johnson, 2004). Additionally, cultural narratives that push for individual satisfaction can inadvertently undermine the very partnership that requires nurturing.
The attachment theory underpinning EFT reveals that emotional distance can worsen insecurities, especially in couples where attachment bonds are fragile to begin with. When partners use time apart to pursue personal fulfillment, they risk reinforcing emotional detachment, which is often harder to repair later.
The Financial and Practical Realities
Beyond the emotional costs, the marriage sabbatical also comes with financial and practical implications.
As Williams humorously suggests, "where are you supposed to go? A hotel?" In reality, sabbaticals are only feasible for the affluent or for those who don’t mind camping without Wi-Fi (Williams, 2022).
For many couples, the prospect of paying for separate living arrangements during a time of economic uncertainty makes the idea of a sabbatical unrealistic, if not laughable.
Better Alternatives: Connection Over Distance
Instead of relying on separation, couples should explore interventions that help them reconnect within the relationship.
Structured therapy models like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy have been proven to strengthen emotional bonds by promoting effective communication, emotional regulation, and reconnection. These approaches encourage couples to confront their relational challenges together, rather than opting for a “break” (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2004). If you’ve read this far, I can help with that.
The Myth of the Marriage Sabbatical
While the marriage sabbatical promises relief, it often delivers the opposite.
It plays into our culture of individualism and narcissism, where the focus on self-fulfillment can overshadow the deeper needs of a relationship. Instead of seeking distance as a form of therapy, couples should lean into their challenges, working together to repair and strengthen their bond.
True healing comes from emotional closeness, not avoidance.
If you’re considering a marriage sabbatical, it’s worth asking yourself: are you seeking time to grow, or are you avoiding the work required to grow together?
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES
Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1996). Adult attachment. Sage Publications.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Jarvis, C. (1999). The marriage sabbatical: The journey that brings you home. Harper Collins.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.
Lasch, C. (1979). The culture of narcissism: American life in an age of diminishing expectations. W. W. Norton & Company.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Publications.
Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Random House.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2014). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 63(4), 478-491.
Williams, Z. (2022). The marriage sabbatical: A break that might break you. The Guardian.