Maintaining Progress After Couples Therapy
Thursday, February 13, 2025.
You've survived couples therapy—hooray!
Now comes the sequel: navigating life without backsliding into old patterns.
Research assures us that couples who maintain their hard-won progress are less likely to sheepishly return to their therapist whispering, “We, uh… backslid” (Doss et al., 2019).
Let’s explore the science of relationship maintenance.
Expert Wisdom on Sustaining Love
John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House: Bricks, Mortar, and Emotional Tune-Ups
Gottman (2015) frames relationships as homes—full of charm, but prone to leaks. Strong couples stay "emotionally attuned," sharing gratitude like “Thanks for the coffee” as if it’s marriage mortar. His research extols rituals of connection—Sunday pancakes, evening walks—small, grounding habits that silently build trust.
Sue Johnson’s EFT: Get Comfortable With Cheesy Conversations
Johnson (2019) says emotional safety keeps love alive. Those “Hold Me Tight” talks may feel like a bad rom-com script, but they matter—because “I’m here for you” always counts more than you think. Vulnerability is the glue.
Christensen’s Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT): Love Is in the Laundry
Christensen et al. (2020) argue that behavior trumps words. Acts of kindness—like folding the towels or trading chores—keep resentment from fermenting. It’s the little things, performed daily, that create a cushion against future conflicts.
The Sneaky Pitfalls of Post-Therapy Life
Progress doesn't crash—it erodes. Stress, schedules, and the slow creep of routine can sabotage your relationship (Doss et al., 2019). According to Halford et al. (2016), couples without structured follow-ups often let their hard-earned tools gather dust.
Common Pitfalls Include:
Skipping Rituals: The Sunday pancakes vanish; so does connection.
Letting Conflict Escalate: Harsh words become habits.
Dodging the Uncomfortable: Small issues become silent cold wars.
Research-Backed Relationship Maintenance Tools
1. Monthly Check-Ins: Awkward but Effective
Stanley et al. (2017) champion monthly “performance reviews”—a chance to share what’s working and what’s not. Serve snacks; make it a ritual.
2. Soft Start-Ups and Repairs: Less Heat, More Heart
Gottman (2015) advises soft starts (“I felt hurt when…”) over sharp attacks. Follow up with repair attempts: “Can we try again?” Simple, powerful.
3. Revisit Therapy Tools: Worksheets Aren't Coasters
Couples who return to techniques like active listening fare better (Christensen et al., 2020). Your therapist’s handouts and instructive emails aren’t junk mail.
4. Booster Sessions: Think of Them as Tune-Ups
Halford et al. (2016) recommend occasional check-ins with your therapist to prevent major breakdowns. Maintenance beats repair.
Staying Steady Through Life’s Curveballs
Crises will come—layoffs, losses, relocations. Resilient couples use their therapy tools and keep talking (Doss et al., 2019). When life gets rough:
Stay Vulnerable: Share your fears. Connection is a lifeline (Johnson, 2019).
Keep Rituals Sacred: Pancakes aren’t just pancakes—they’re stability (Halford et al., 2016).
Lead With Compassion: Lower demands, raise patience (Christensen et al., 2020).
Final Thought: Love Is Daily Work—And That’s the Joy
Sustaining progress from couples therapy isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up, day after day, with grace, humor, and heart.
Notice moments of gratitude, and don’t be to afraid to say, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, B., & Yi, J. Y. (2020). Couple therapy: Theoretical perspectives and empirical findings. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 213-241.
Doss, B. D. et al. (2019). A randomized controlled trial of the effects of couples therapy: Mechanisms of change and long-term outcomes. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 87(8), 697-709.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Halford, W. K. et al. (2016). The role of couple maintenance in sustaining relationship satisfaction. Clinical Psychology Review, 45, 78-90.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice. Guilford Press.