Love Bypassing: When Spirituality Becomes a Tool to Avoid Relationship Work

Saturday, March 1, 2025.

You’re in the middle of a tense conversation with your partner. Maybe they’re telling you they feel unheard, or maybe you’re trying to address a long-standing issue that keeps resurfacing.

Instead of engaging, they take a deep breath, soften their voice, and say something like:

"I just think we need to trust the universe on this."

"Let’s not focus on negativity—let’s just stay in a place of love."

Or the absolute classic: “Everything happens for a reason.”

And just like that, the conversation dies.

This, my friends, is love bypassing—a sneaky form of emotional avoidance dressed up in the robes of spiritual wisdom.

It’s what happens when spiritual ideals like forgiveness, presence, or acceptance become a way to dodge real emotional engagement.

At first glance, these responses seem somewhat enlightened.

Who doesn’t want to stay in love instead of getting dragged into another exhausting argument about the dishes or deeper existential incompatibilities? But beneath the surface, love bypassing shuts down important conversations that relationships actually need to survive.

Let’s dig into why this happens, how to recognize it, and how to actually integrate personal growth into a relationship instead of using spirituality as an escape hatch.

When “Love and Light” Becomes a Cop-Out

What is love bypassing? Love bypassing happens when one or both partners use spirituality, mindfulness, or personal growth rhetoric to avoid discomfort, conflict, or accountability. Instead of working through issues, the person engaging in love bypassing sidesteps them—often unconsciously—by appealing to higher ideals.

It can look like:

• Minimizing pain: “I don’t want to focus on the negative. Let’s just move forward.”

• Over-spiritualizing conflict: “This argument is just a reflection of your inner wounds.”

• Forcing premature forgiveness: “We’re both human, and I think we need to let go of judgment.”

• Avoiding responsibility: “I’m just trying to vibrate at a higher frequency right now.”

These phrases are not inherently wrong, but when used to shut down hard conversations, they can make a relationship feel eerily one-sided. One person is actively hurting, while the other is floating in a blissful cloud of detachment.

Emotional Wisdom vs. Avoidance: The Key Difference

So how do we tell the difference between genuine emotional wisdom and straight-up avoidance? The key is in whether the response deepens connection or deflects from it.

A wise, spiritually mature response makes space for emotions and acknowledges reality. It might sound like:

✅ “I can feel myself getting defensive, but I really want to hear what you’re saying.”
✅ “I do believe everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid right now.”
✅ “I want to work through this with you, even if it’s uncomfortable.”

An avoidant, bypassing response shuts the conversation down prematurely:

❌ “You’re just stuck in your ego—this isn’t real.”
❌ “If we just focus on gratitude, this won’t matter.”
❌ “I don’t do drama. Let’s drop it.”

One invites depth. The other dismisses discomfort in a way that benefits only one partner.

How to Integrate Personal Growth Without Bypassing Love

If you recognize love bypassing in yourself or your partner, don’t panic—it’s usually not malicious. Most of the time, it’s just a learned defense mechanism, a way of coping with conflict without feeling overwhelmed. Here’s how to keep your spirituality grounded in real emotional intimacy.

Hold Space for Messy Feelings

Spirituality is about peace, but relationships require messiness.

Your partner’s pain, frustration, or anxiety doesn’t mean they’re not enlightened—it means they’re human. Instead of trying to transcend the conflict, lean into it. Listen. Sit with the discomfort. Let them feel what they feel.

Don’t Rush to “Fix” with Positivity

If your partner is hurt, they don’t need a spiritual TED Talk—they need you to show up. Validation is not the same as agreement. You don’t have to take on their pain, but you do need to acknowledge it.

Instead of: “This is all just a projection of your past wounds,”
Try: “I see why this hurts, and I don’t want you to feel alone in it.”

Stay in the Room (Emotionally Speaking)

When a partner shares something vulnerable, don’t ascend into another dimension—stay emotionally present. Instead of retreating into spiritual detachment, practice engaged compassion. Ask follow-up questions. Show that you care.

Instead of: “This is just your karma playing out,”
Try: “That sounds really hard. Do you want to talk more about it?”

Recognize When “Boundaries” Are Actually Avoidance

Setting boundaries is crucial, but love bypassers often use boundaries as a shield against discomfort. If your partner’s concerns are always dismissed with, “I need to protect my energy,” or “I can’t hold space for your negativity,” it may be time to ask: Are you setting a healthy limit, or are you avoiding emotional labor?

Balance Acceptance with Action

Acceptance is beautiful, but in relationships, acceptance without action can become stagnation. If a partner repeatedly brings up the same issue, responding with “This is just who I am” isn’t acceptance—it’s an excuse to stop growing. Real love requires both partners to stretch from time to time.

How to Bring This Up Without Triggering Defensiveness

So, what if your partner is the one love-bypassing? How do you address it without them retreating even further into spiritual avoidance?

Appeal to Their Growth Mindset

Here’s the thing. Most folks who engage in love bypassing are trying to be good partners. They just don’t realize they’re being avoidant. This is usually not narcissism, It’s most often ordinary human frailty. My best advice is to frame it as an invitation to deepen intimacy:

✅ “I love how much wisdom you bring to our relationship. I just want to make sure we’re not skipping over things that might make us even stronger.”

Name the Pattern Without Blaming

If you say “You’re just using spirituality to avoid conflict,” they’ll likely get defensive. Instead, name what you notice as you manage the moment:

✅ “Sometimes when I bring up hard things, I feel like we switch into positivity so fast that I don’t know if my feelings had space to land.”

Use “I” Statements

Instead of accusing them of shutting you down, validate their apparent goodwill, but express how their words impact you.

✅ “When you say ‘everything happens for a reason’ while I’m upset, I feel dismissed. I know that’s not your intention, but it makes me feel alone in it.”

Ask for Engagement, Not Just Understanding

Some love bypassers will say “I hear you” but not actually change anything. Make it clear what kind of response you’re hoping for.

✅ “It would mean a lot if, when I’m struggling, we could sit with it together before we move into solutions or higher perspectives.”

Real Love is Grounded, Not Just Floating

Spirituality and personal growth should make relationships stronger, not act as a backdoor escape hatch to avoid emotional work.

The most enlightened relationships aren’t the ones that never experience conflict. They’re the ones where both people stay engaged, stay honest, and stay real—even when it’s uncomfortable.

Because real love isn’t just a vibe. It’s an action that is concrete as f*ck.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.