The Ikea Effect: Why Shared Effort Beats Grand Romantic Gestures

Thursday, March 13, 2025.

For centuries, poets, philosophers, and marketing executives have sold us the idea that love is a mystical force—an invisible connection between two souls, transcending time and space.

Science, as usual, has a much less poetic but more useful explanation: Love is built, quite literally, through effort.

A groundbreaking study by Norton, Mochon, and Ariely (2012) found that people place more value on things they helped create—a phenomenon known as the IKEA Effect.

Originally tested with poorly assembled furniture and lumpy origami, this principle applies just as powerfully to romantic relationships.

In other words, the couples that invest effort into building something together—be it a bookshelf, a vacation itinerary, or a deeply embarrassing TikTok dance—feel more committed to their relationship.

Translation? Your relationship isn’t doomed because the spark is fading—it’s doomed because you stopped assembling the metaphorical furniture.

Love Is a DIY Project: The Science of Effort-Based Attachment

The IKEA Effect states that when people work to create something—no matter how objectively bad it is—they value it more than something effortlessly acquired (Norton et al., 2012).

This principle applies to relationships in two crucial ways:

• Couples who engage in shared effort feel a deeper emotional connection.

• The act of overcoming challenges together increases commitment and satisfaction.

Psychologists have found that relationships aren’t sustained by passive enjoyment—they’re built and reinforced through cooperative labor.

• Gottman (1999) discovered that playful cooperation (solving problems together in a lighthearted way) is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction.

• Finkel et al. (2013) found that couples who worked through obstacles together (instead of avoiding them) reported higher relationship resilience over time.

• Keizer and Helms (2021) expanded on the IKEA Effect in relationships, showing that partners who actively construct their shared life—through rituals, shared goals, or even joint home projects—feel more invested in their bond.

So, what does this mean for your love life?

If your relationship consists entirely of Netflix and takeout, without a single collaborative effort to spice things up, you might as well be sitting on an unassembled box of Swedish furniture, waiting for the magic to happen.

Why We Love Things We’ve Struggled to Build (Including Relationships)

The IKEA Effect works because effort creates attachment.

• If you’ve ever spent three hours assembling a questionably sturdy coffee table, you know the emotional bond you develop with it.

• You become irrationally attached to that wobbly, overpriced chunk of particle board because you invested time, frustration, and possibly a few curse words into it.

This same logic applies to relationships.

• Norton et al. (2012) found that people who work together to complete a task—no matter how small—develop a sense of joint ownership over the result.

• Murray et al. (2011) showed that couples who actively construct their relationship (rather than passively expecting happiness) are more satisfied.

• Baumeister & Leary (1995) argued that humans are hardwired to value bonds that require effort—because survival depended on cooperative partnerships.

This means that the relationships that last aren’t the ones with the smoothest ride—they’re the ones where partners roll up their sleeves and build something, together.

If Effort Builds Love, Then Convenience Might Be Killing It

If effort strengthens relationships, then the rise of effortless convenience might explain why modern couples are struggling.

Consider this:

• Online dating has removed the challenge of finding a partner—meaning we invest less effort into courtship, and as a result, often feel less attached to the people we meet (Finkel et al., 2012).

• Instant gratification culture teaches us that if something feels difficult, we should abandon it and find something easier, whether it’s a relationship, a job, or an apartment with central air.

• Social media’s highlight reel makes it look like strong relationships are effortless, which is a dangerous illusion (Twenge et al., 2018).

But real, enduring love isn’t easy—it’s constructed, brick by brick, IKEA screw by IKEA screw.

The IKEA Effect in Action: What Actually Strengthens Relationships?

If couples bond through shared effort, then the best way to build a strong relationship is to get your hands dirty—metaphorically or literally.

Build Something Physical Together (Yes, Even IKEA Furniture)

Yes, the study was originally based on assembling cheap furniture, and yes, the principle holds.

Joint tasks that require cooperation strengthen bonds.

• Keizer and Helms (2021) found that even mundane household projects improve relationship satisfaction—especially if both partners contribute equally.

• Carter & McGoldrick (1989) observed that couples who engage in shared domestic tasks (without resentment) report stronger feelings of teamwork and mutual respect.

It’s no coincidence that couples who survive home renovations intact often feel closer afterward.

Create Shared Experiences (Even If You Hate Each Other’s Hobbies)

Research shows that couples who participate in shared activities—even ones they wouldn’t choose alone—report higher satisfaction (Aron et al., 2000).

• If your partner is obsessed with hiking, go on the damn hike.

• If they love painting, try a paint-and-sip class, even if you can barely draw stick figures.

The willingness to engage in shared effort is what matters—not the activity itself.

Overcome Challenges Together (Without Killing Each Other)

• Gottman (2015) found that couples who turn toward each other during stressful situations (instead of isolating) are more likely to stay together.

• Bodenmann et al. (2006) showed that couples who use collaborative coping strategies (instead of blaming each other) have higher long-term satisfaction.

This means that when your flight gets canceled, or your car breaks down, or your kitchen catches on fire because neither of you knows how to cook—how you handle it as a team predicts whether you’ll last.

Relationships Are Built, Not Found

Modern love is obsessed with finding the right person, but the research is clear:

✔ Love isn’t discovered—it’s assembled.
✔ Effort and cooperation matter more than compatibility.
✔ The strongest relationships aren’t the easiest ones—they’re the ones built through shared work.

So, if your relationship feels a little unstable, don’t buy a dozen roses or plan an elaborate date night.

Go build something together.

Preferably with cheap furniture, terrible instructions, and a shared bottle of wine.

Because if research tells us anything, it’s this:

Nothing makes you appreciate a relationship quite like surviving an IKEA assembly together.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.

Bodenmann, G., Meuwly, N., & Kayser, K. (2006). Two conceptualizations of dyadic coping and their potential for predicting relationship quality and individual well-being. European Psychologist, 11(3), 155–166.

Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2012). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 24(1), 1–41.

Keizer, R., & Helms, T. M. (2021). The IKEA Effect in relationships: How joint effort fosters relational investment. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(4), 567–580.

Norton, M. I., Mochon, D., & Ariely, D. (2012). The IKEA effect: When labor leads to love. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 22(3), 453–460.