Let’s dish on Avoidant Attachment…
Monday, January 8, 2024.
Almost 25% of humans in this study were found to have an Avoidant Attachment Style…
The researchers concluded that humans with an Avoidant Attachment Style dislike committing to a relationship, and are especially uncomfortable with partners who they deem as “clingy”.
The researchers point out that a human compiles an Avoidant Attachment Style from having family-of-origin caregivers who are overly controlling and intrusive. In other words, they stripped the child of agency and self-direction.
An Avoidant Style is also a result of unresponsive parenting.
Unresponsive parents show little warmth. They are emotionally distanced, and may even intentionally avoid interacting with their children and have minimal expectations for how their lives turn out, but are paradoxically tyrannical and controlling
Yup, sounds a bit too familiar to me!
Why do some people dislike committing to a relationship… and avoid a partner they deem as “clingy?”
These researchers concluded that humans who tend to avoid committing to a romantic partner are often the product of over-intrusive or unresponsive parenting.
In other words, humans who receive either too much intrusive attention from their parents, or way too little, will find relationship commitment harder in their future adult lives.
Both types of parenting — too much and too little — are correlated with eventually acquiring an avoidant attachment style as a full-fledged adult.
Dr. Sharon Dekel, the study’s first author, elaborated:
“Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.”
People who have Avoidant Attachment tend to adopt a regressive “infant-mother” intimacy model…
In other words, they are not looking for another emotionally mature adult, but rather a ‘mother’ or ‘father’ figure to look after them, and soothe them, I suppose.
Ouch! As a human with lifelong Avoidant Attachment, that little truth dart stung!
Here’s how the researchers explained this:
“Avoidant individuals seem to need psychological nourishment from their partners as much as infants do, resembling an early developmental stage of relatedness.
Like the mother, the partner serves to validate the avoidant individual’s self.
However, similar to the avoidant infant, adults with an Avoidant Attachment Style fear rejection and attempt to deactivate the attachment system by limiting closeness.
Avoidant individuals, then, present with an ongoing struggle between deep attachment needs and deep attachment defenses.”
Final thoughts
As a human with Avoidant Attachment, I find some of these observations compelling. But it’s also important to have a “your mileage may vary” mindset.
What I found most compelling about this research was the notion of avoidantly attached humans requiring “psychological nourishment,” on the one hand, as well as a need to ”deactivate the attachment system” and “limit closeness” on the other. That sounds like an easy way to confound and dismay your partner.
I’m not so sure that humans with Avoidant Attachment dislike “committing” to a relationship. I think it’s more atmospheric. The avoidant wants connection, they just don’t have a very detailed roadmap of how to get there.
Be well, stay kind and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Dekel, Sharon PhD*; Farber, Barry A. PhD†. Models of Intimacy of Securely and Avoidantly Attached Young Adults: A Narrative Approach. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease 200(2):p 156-162, February 2012. | DOI: 10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182439702
