Angry wife?… Why?…and what can I do about it?
Wednesday, June 19, 2024
I have an angry wife…Why?
There’s an old phrase: “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Research bears that out.
An angry wife typically battles about serious power, fairness, and responsibility issues. But on the surface, it looks like a fight about ‘nothing.’
We have a cultural belief that men are more prone to anger than women, but that is simply not true. Research at the University of Massachusetts reported no differences in the frequency of anger between men and women.
Managing anger
But what is profoundly different between men and women is their management of anger. Sandra Thomas at the University of Tennessee conducted a large-scale empirical study of the “ordinary anger of everyday women.” Her research suggests three consistent themes to the source of a woman’s anger; irresponsibility of others, injustice, and powerlessness.
Dr. Raymond DiGiuseppe at St. John’s University in New York further expands on this research. In a respectfully extensive survey of 1,300 participants, his research suggests that while men and women do not differ in the frequency of their anger, they express and experience it differently.
My wife is mean! Why?
She is peeved because she feels powerless, prevailed upon, and provoked!
Dr. DiGiuseppe’s research indicates that women stay angry longer than men and are much more inclined to harbor grudges and resentments.
Most importantly, women are far more likely to employ indirect aggression. When anger goes dangerously deep with women, they are much more likely to begin to go silent and dark on you.
This is the emotional foundation of what Michelle Weiner-Davis describes as the “walk-away wife.” As a rule, women are typically uncomfortable with direct expressions of anger, so in the early stages of marital distress, criticism becomes a crucible for their anger.
This is where psychobiological differences between men and women begin to complicate matters. Walk-away wives are what drive many confused husbands to contact me for intensive marital counseling.
Women’s anger, marital fights, and depression
The pattern of marital deterioration is predictable. So is the common onset of depression which can intensify irritability and marital problems in a circular way.
Couples with frequent disagreement or arguments are 10 to 25 times more likely to experience depression than marriages that are not as conflictual. Feeling unsupportive also makes women more susceptible to depression.
Women are more comfortable with low-grade conflict and will want to talk things out with their husbands in the earlier stages of distress. But men in problematic marriages see this as criticism and may get defensive.
Men often have little or no skill in managing low-grade conflict and act defensively or stonewall.
Is she angry with her husband? Maybe it’s because he has a hard time reading her…
Amazingly, Gottman’s research tells us that when a wife brings up an issue 40% of the time, the husband doesn’t fully understand what she is talking about. This might be partly due to the speed of the male defensive reaction and the tendency of men to become quickly flooded when they feel attacked.
Researchers have demonstrated that men also have a diminished ability to read their wives facial expressions and body language as they become flooded. Curiously, this is often not the case with other conflictual conversations that these same men may have with other people. This might be an intriguing area for future neurological research. In contrast, women are far better at self-soothing than men.
A woman is triggered to anger when she sees her husband’s behavior as irresponsible, feels a sense of injustice in not having an influence on him, as well as an abiding sense of powerlessness over her inability to achieve a favorable outcome. You can see that gender differences in conflict management can profoundly undermine marital satisfaction.
Harsh start-ups and angry wives
Of course, women do become physiologically aroused when angry as well. Research shows that they experience and express their anger differently; however, they tend to be slower to resort to aggressive anger and tend to calm down faster. Women are more at home with remaining steady and regulated during unpleasant conversations.
Often, it’s because the woman herself has brought up this conversation.
Gottman’s research suggests that how a woman brings up these unpleasant conversations will determine how they turn out. If she brings it up harshly and critically, both are more likely to get nowhere constructively in the conversation. Wives can discuss their annoyance and still aspire to have a productive, intimate conversation. An angry wife is still an engaged wife.
Why am I so angry at my husband? The trauma variable
If you have Developmental Trauma or PTSD, you may become flooded, just like your husband. Your flooding, however, will be entirely different. You will have a glazed overcast to her eyes and will emotionally withdraw. Your “checking out” at this point means you need a twenty-minute break to self-soothe and calm yourself down.
If you are both flooded, you both need a twenty-minute break that offers a mental shift. Listen to music, watch TV, read a book or magazine. If you ruminate and obsess about the argument, you are unlikely to calm down. I do a lot of work on couples retreats because Developmental Trauma has led to constant toxic fighting and emotional withdrawal.
An answer from the research
In my couples retreats, my first priority is helping couples understand that anger is an emotion of thwarted desire.
It’s an emotion of engagement, particularly if it can be channeled constructively. Angry women may have much to say to a husband sick of how it’s being said. It's important to help a critical wife express this holding tank of emotions and feelings.
But helping her do it in a way that will be heard is even more important. Helping her husband hear it is the other side of the coin.
We help husbands to appreciate that as unpleasant as it may be to have an angry wife, a silent and sullen wife is a much bigger problem.
The couples who come to me want to start relating better, talk so they can be heard, and learn how to express even tremendous anger effectively. It’s my task to shepherd them through this process…and it’s all done over a weekend.
Here is what to do when your wife is upset:
Take 5 to 10 seconds before you respond. But keep eye contact if possible. See her as trying to get her point across, not as trying to tear you down.
You want to find out where the hurt lies. Does she feel powerless? Does she think you have been irresponsible? Has her sense of justice, reciprocity and fairness been violated? Remember one thing women want most from men is trustworthiness. Be truthful.
Don’t turn away from her. Lean in. Ask appropriate questions: “What ‘s going on for you right now?” “What are you feeling?” “Talk to me I’m listening.” “What do you need from me right now?” “What bothers you the most about this?”
What do I do when my wife is always irritated with me?
Listening to criticism is hard. Research shows that. It’s hard to endure what seems like a “relentless attack” from your angry wife. And it’s not enough to “grin and bear it.” It’s important to know what effective complaining is, and collaborate in calmer moments to work toward talking productively. We can help.
However, the quality of your marital conversations when you are not in conflict is like money in the bank. When was the last time you went out alone together? Did you connect emotionally? Did you touch her lovingly?
While your primary job is to keep your cool when tensions rise, when things cool off, your job is to be actively engaged and involved.
Don’t get angry or defensive or placate with false promises. Use the Groundhog Day questions. Get out of your conversational rut.
And always remember, if she’s complaining, it’s because she cares. If she decides to give up and go dark on you…she might become a walk-away wife. Unfortunately, many husbands take the wrong approach to dealing with their walk-away wife.
My couples retreat is a perfect opportunity to change your fighting habits!
“We have the skills for coping when I get crazy angry. I realize if I criticize him, he’s only going to get defensive, so I use my words carefully! We use the results of where we scored as a couple to help us also in see that we still have enough left in this relationship to work on it. We are talking better, too.” –Recent Intensive Client
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
S. P. Thomas,”Women’s anger, aggression, and violence,” Health Care for Women International 26, no.6, (2005):504-22
