Is it ever too late to save a marriage?

Wednesday, June 5, 2024. Revised and updated.

People often ask me, “Is it ever too late to save a marriage?”

Another question I get often is, “What happens if after conducting the FOO ( Family of Origin) interviews you realize that we should divorce?” Another question I get is, “Can you help me decide if I should remain in this marriage?”

The people asking these questions all have one thing in common. They are genuinely hurting and trying to externalize their dilemma somehow. It’s a human tendency to want to give your power away when contemplating a question that shakes your soul with such profound pain.

How do I answer the question, “Is it ever too late to save a marriage?”

I start by telling our would-be client that the answer has two essential pieces.

The first is the degree of motivation. Have one or both spouses given up? Is entering couples therapy merely a way of ritualizing the prelude to divorce? Or is there a steely-eyed determination, a “last shot”, “burn the boats” motivation to turn it around? Or is the couples’ motivation level somewhere in between?

The second factor is timing. Most couples endure more than six years of misery before seeking help. It’s like driving your wheels over and over in the same place so often that you’ve worn deep ruts into the marital driveway. The sooner you enter couples therapy, the better. This is one of the reasons why Millennials enjoy such a delightfully low divorce rate. They pursue couples therapy at the first sign of trouble. And they do so earlier than any other recorded generation.

Is it ever too late to save a marriage?

Here’s a Better Question… “Is It Ever too Late to Try Something Different”?

Angela and Sy (not their real names) have been married for 19 years and have two children, Paula, 11, and Gordon, 15. They have been bitterly fighting about the same issue for the past three years, and their poor kids have been a captive audience.

Angela wants to give up her family law practice. “I am so burned out.” She tells me as if pleading with me to somehow release her from her plight.

“Tell him what you want to do instead” barks Sy. “She wants to quit a career where she made 226K last year because she wants to write a Noooovel.”

Sy draws out the word contemptuously.

Unfortunately, the issue has metastasized into other marital organs. Angela and Sy both tried to recruit me to their side of the street. Angela and Sy used to have a long-standing feud about this. But now the issue was so massively gridlocked that it was no longer about Angela’s career change…it was now about whether or not they could remain together at all.

“We just fight about this constantly,” said Angela. “I’ve been building this practice for ten years, and I’ve come to hate it. I’ve seen too many families suffering. I’m tired, and I’m done. Sy makes twice what I make. It’s not about the money. He’s crushing my soul, and I hate him for it.”

When it’s Sy’s turn to give his take on things, he gets agitated: “What she’s not telling you is that when we first got married, I worked like a dog for years flipping houses to pay for her law degree. Now she tells me that she wants to throw that all away; it’s like she’s saying all the sacrifices I made don’t mean anything.”

The first step in helping Angela and Sy is to help them see how they trigger and escalate one another.

Is It ever too late to save a marriage?

Ask Instead…Is it Ever Too Late to Have a Generative Conversation?

They need help clarifying what dreams are underlying this gridlocked issue. Angela and Sy have fought about this issue so bitterly that they have fallen into a deeply scripted Groundhog Day.

In science-based couples therapy, we help couples like Sy and Angela accept responsibility for their own behavior.

Research tells us that fights about money are the most vicious. Sy and Angela needed to explain to each other what this dilemma means to them. But they first needed a structure and some skills that would permit them to do so.

I asked them to have a Generative Conversation so that each of them can be fully heard. When Sy was the speaker, he was able to describe his sense of pride in Angela’s success, and a feeling of relief that with her additional income they would have a worry-free retirement, and that their family’s financial goals could easily be met.

Angela learned for the first time that although Sy’s real estate business was successful, he was never really able to relax. “My dad lost everything in the recession of ’81. I worked with him right out of college. Brokering and flipping houses is all I know. I saw how crushed he was. Mom never worked…and he was too proud to ask. I’m always afraid that it could happen to me.” Sy’s eyes grew wet. “But I never talk to you about it Angie, because I don’t want you to worry.”

The inevitability of conflict

Over the weekend Intensive, Angela and Sy began to accept that they were two separate people. They didn’t have to see everything the same way.

One valuable lesson that all couples learn in science-based couples therapy is that conflict is an inescapable dimension of marriage.

Michele Weiner Davis tells us that one secret of a good marriage is learning to choose battles wisely. It’s important to differentiate between small issues and more critical ones.

Sy and Angela learned that if they could self-regulate and co-regulate during a conflictual conversation, they may learn something new and build empathy for one another.

In Dr. Gottman’s book The Relationship Cure, he writes:

“It’s not that these couples don’t get mad or disagree. It’s that when they disagree, they’re able to stay connected and engaged with each other. Rather than becoming defensive and hurtful, they pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect.

Is it ever too late to save a marriage? Not if you want to save it.

But it requires some sweat equity. During their Marriage Intensive, Sy and Angela cried and laughed together… and made a detailed plan that addressed both of their concerns.

They learned about their deepest fears and anxieties and grew closer. Their bickering ended. The kids noticed and asked them about it.

Sy told their kids, Paula and Gordon. “A marriage is like an investment property. It will be more valuable when you invest in what it needs.”

Angela smiled and chimed in, …” And sometimes kids when you don’t do regular upkeep…you’ll eventually want to do a major remodel.”

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.