Is It Cruel To Play Mind Games With People?

Thursday, August 15, 2024.

Nowadays, playing mind games with people is often dismissed as harmless or strategic, yet the deeper psychological and ethical implications reveal a more troubling reality.

I guess I blame best-selling author Eric Berne for popularizing such a dismal frame for human discourse.

Eric Berne, author of “The Games People Play,” played a lot of games. He was, according to his friends, an eternal optimist for love and connection.

For example, he had a bit of a thing for tying the knot—three times, to be exact.

His first walk down the aisle was in 1942. For privacy, she’s cleverly disguised in biographies as "Elinor" or "McRae"—but let's face it, she probably wouldn’t have minded a bit more anonymity given the fiery divorce that followed just three years and two kids later.

Undeterred, Eric gave matrimony another go in 1949. With his new wife, he had two more children and managed to keep things together until 1964, when they, too, decided it was time to call it quits.

After hitting the big time, Eric took one last spin on the marital merry-go-round in 1967 with a much younger partner.

They set up house in the idyllic Carmel, California, where he propelled himself into some of his most brilliant work, and continued his thriving clinical practice in San Francisco.

However, even Carmel's charming views couldn’t keep this union from unraveling, and by early 1970, Eric was once again living alone. Unfortunately, he died from a heart attack shortly thereafter.

Eric was a deeply respected psychoanalyst, and thought leader, but he had barely tasted his popular fame. Perhaps his heart was played out. But I digress. let’s return to the question at hand:

Is It cruel to play mind games with people?

To truly understand whether engaging in such behavior is cruel, we must consider the motivations behind mind games, their effects on our counterparts, and the broader consequences for relationships.

The Nature of Mind Games: Manipulation at Its Core

Let’s cut to the chase and define our terms. Mind games are a form of psychological manipulation in which one person deliberately tries to confuse, deceive, or control another. These are most impactful when it’s your life-partner bullsh*ting you.

These actions can range from subtle tactics like giving mixed signals or withholding affection to more overt behaviors such as gaslighting or the silent treatment.

The underlying motive is often to gain power or an advantage over the other person, creating a dynamic where the manipulator feels in control.

However, mind games are not merely about control; they are rooted in a deeper psychological need.

Those who play mind games may be driven by insecurity, fear of vulnerability, or a desire to protect themselves from perceived threats.

By keeping others off-balance, they avoid facing their own emotional weaknesses or confronting difficult truths about themselves. This need for self-preservation, however, comes at a significant cost to the folks on the receiving end.

Psychological Consequences: The Hidden Damage

The psychological impact of mind games on the target is profound and often long-lasting.

When someone is subjected to manipulation, their sense of reality can become distorted. They may start to doubt their perceptions, question their worth, and lose trust in their own judgment. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a deep erosion of self-esteem.

Moreover, mind games can create a cycle of emotional dependency.

The target may become increasingly reliant on the manipulator for validation, seeking approval or reassurance from the very person who is causing their distress. This dependency can trap individuals in unhealthy relationships, making it difficult for them to break free or recognize the need for change.

The manipulator, too, is affected by their behavior, though in less obvious ways. Engaging in mind games perpetuates a pattern of emotional detachment, preventing genuine connections and fostering a sense of isolation. Over time, the manipulator may find it increasingly difficult to form authentic relationships, as their habitual use of deception and control undermines trust.

Ethical Considerations: The Cruelty of Mind Games

Is It cruel to play mind games with people? From an ethical standpoint, mind games are inherently cruel because they involve intentional harm. The manipulator is aware of their actions and the potential impact on the other person, yet they proceed anyway, prioritizing their own needs over the well-being of others.

This disregard for the feelings and autonomy of the target makes mind games not just unkind but ethically indefensible.

Cruelty, in this context, is not just about the immediate pain inflicted but also the longer-term consequences.

Mind games can have a corrosive effect on the psyche, leaving emotional scars that persist long after the manipulation has ended. The ethical breach lies in the conscious choice to engage in behavior that causes harm, knowing that it undermines the dignity and humanity of the other person.

In some cases, the cruelty of mind games is compounded by the manipulator's awareness of their power.

They may derive satisfaction from the suffering they cause, using it as a means to bolster their own self-esteem or to assert dominance. This dynamic is particularly evident in relationships where there is an imbalance of power, such as in cases of emotional abuse or narcissistic manipulation.

The Impact on Relationships: Trust and Resilience

Mind games have a devastating impact on relationships, particularly in how they erode trust. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and once it is broken, it can be exceedingly difficult to rebuild. The uncertainty and confusion caused by mind games create an environment where trust cannot thrive, leading to a gradual breakdown of the relationship.

For the target, the experience of being manipulated can lead to a pervasive sense of betrayal. This betrayal can extend beyond the immediate relationship, affecting their ability to trust others in the future. They may become more guarded, suspicious, or withdrawn, fearing that they will be hurt again. This defensive posture can hinder the formation of new relationships and contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The manipulator, while seemingly in control, also suffers from the consequences of their actions.

By prioritizing manipulation over honesty, they miss out on the opportunity to build meaningful, authentic, intimate connections.

Over time, they may become increasingly isolated as their life partners withdraw or react to the manipulator's behavior with distance and mistrust.

Moving Beyond Mind Games: Fostering Genuine Connections

To move beyond the cycle of mind games, both individuals must embrace a different approach to relationships—one rooted in transparency, empathy, and mutual respect. This requires a willingness to be vulnerable, to communicate openly, and to prioritize the well-being of the other person.

For those who have been the target of mind games, healing involves rebuilding self-trust and learning to set healthy boundaries.

A good therapist may also be required to process the emotional damage and develop strategies for recognizing and avoiding manipulation in the future.

For the manipulator, the challenge is to confront the underlying insecurities that drive their behavior and to develop healthier ways of relating to others. This may involve working on self-esteem, learning to express emotions honestly, and seeking help to break the pattern of manipulation.

Most human beings never really see another person after they are five years old.

In an intimate relationship, each party returns to the original naïve Child ego state, where he is free of such Parental prohibitions and Adult requirements, and can see, hear, and taste in its purest form what the world has to offer.

This freedom of the Child is the essential part of intimacy, and it turns the whole universe, including the sun, moon, and stars, into a golden apple for both parties to enjoy. Eric Berne

Final thoughts

In conclusion, mind games are undeniably cruel, both in intent and in impact.

Berne developed transactional analysis as a framework for understanding human behavior, building on but diverging from Freud's ideas.

While Freudian therapists concentrated on exploring personalities, Berne believed greater insight could be gained by examining social interactions.

He identified three ego-states in each person—the Parent, Adult, and Child—and studied how these states influenced communication. Berne called these exchanges "transactions" and identified recurring patterns in them, which he referred to as "games."

Mind games can cause profound psychological and emotional damage, affecting not just the immediate relationship but also the broader capacity for trust and connection. Ethically, mind games represent a serious breach of the principles that underlie healthy human interactions, and their use cannot be justified.

Ultimately, the path to healthier relationships lies in rejecting manipulation in favor of openness and empathy. By fostering genuine connections based on mutual respect and understanding, folks can build relationships that are not only more fulfilling but also more resilient in the face of challenges.

Is It cruel to play mind games with people? I see it as a waste of human effort.

The cruelty of mind games, then, is not just a matter of ethics but a barrier to the deeper, more meaningful connections that Eric sought and that we all seek in our intimate lives.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.