The IKEA Relationship Principle: Why We Love What We Build Together

Monday, March 3, 2025.

Have you ever spent an entire Saturday afternoon assembling an IKEA dresser, only to feel an irrational sense of pridein your slightly uneven, structurally questionable creation?

There’s a reason for that. Psychologists call it the “IKEA Effect”—the idea that we value things more when we’ve invested effort into making them ourselves (Norton, Mochon, & Ariely, 2012).

And guess what? Relationships work the same way.

We don’t fall in love with people because they are flawless, perfectly pre-assembled products. We fall in love because of the effort, the struggles, and the emotional labor we invest into the relationship. The act of building something together—whether it’s a shared life, a home, or even just inside jokes—is what makes love meaningful.

So why do some couples thrive while others give up mid-assembly, throwing the metaphorical instruction manual across the room? Let’s break down how the IKEA Relationship Principle explains why love isn’t found—it’s built.

The Psychology Behind the IKEA Effect (and Why It Applies to Love)

The IKEA Effect was first studied by behavioral economists who found that people overvalue things they put effort into—whether it’s assembling furniture, kneading their own pizza dough, or struggling through a thousand-piece puzzle (Norton et al., 2012).

Why?

• Effort Creates Attachment: The more effort we invest in something, the more we convince ourselves it’s worth it.

• Personal Investment Feels Like Ownership: When we build something, we feel a deeper sense of identity and connection to it.

• Challenges Make Us Appreciate the Outcome More: Struggle strengthens emotional ties—whether it’s with a half-finished bookshelf or a 10-year marriage.

Now, let’s apply this to relationships.

Why We Love Hard-Earned Relationships More Than Easy Ones

In a classic social psychology experiment, Elliot Aronson and Judson Mills (1959) found that people who had to undergo an embarrassing or difficult initiation process to join a group later reported liking the group more than those who joined with no effort.

Translation: We love things more when we have to work for them.

Relationships Are No Exception

• Couples who overcome struggles together (long-distance, financial stress, family drama) often emerge strongerbecause they’ve put in the work.

• Partners who actively engage in building a shared life—from decorating a home to raising kids—develop a deeper sense of emotional investment.

This is why chasing the "perfect" partner is a losing game. A relationship’s value doesn’t come from finding something flawless—it comes from the process of building something meaningful together.

The Couples Who Don’t Put in the Work: The Fast-Food Love Problem

Some relationships fail because one or both partners expect love to be effortless—like ordering takeout instead of cooking.

A study on relationship entitlement found that people who believe "love should just happen" are more likely to be dissatisfied in long-term relationships (Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury, 2017). They expect passion and harmony without effort, leading to disillusionment and emotional disengagement when reality sets in.

🚨 Red flags of a "fast-food" relationship mindset:

• Expecting the relationship to “just work” without putting in consistent effort.

• Avoiding hard conversations instead of facing them together.

• Seeking novelty elsewhere instead of deepening connection.

Meanwhile, couples who understand love as an evolving, co-built structure—rather than a pre-assembled fairy tale—are the ones who go the distance.

Why Your Wobbly DIY Bookshelf is Also a Metaphor for Love

Applying the IKEA Relationship Principle: How to Build, Not Just Coast

Invest in Small, Meaningful Acts of Effort

Relationships aren’t built through grand gestures alone—they’re sustained by daily, intentional efforts.

🔹 Try This:

• Plan a low-effort but thoughtful date night (yes, even if you’re tired).

• Leave small love notes or unexpected compliments.

• Engage in shared activities—from cooking to building IKEA furniture together (if your relationship can survive that, it can survive anything).

Research shows that even small gestures of care and attention significantly boost relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

See Conflict as Part of the Construction Process

Every relationship has "assembly issues." The key is whether you work together to fix them—or throw the whole thing out.

🔹 Try This:

• Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, lean into them with curiosity, not defensiveness.

• Reframe arguments as opportunities for growth, not signs of failure.

• Practice the “us vs. the problem” mindset instead of “me vs. you.”

A study on conflict resolution found that couples who actively repair after arguments have higher long-term satisfaction than those who avoid confrontation (Overall, Fletcher, & Simpson, 2006).

Build Something Together (Literally and Metaphorically)

Nothing strengthens a relationship like shared projects. This can be anything from gardening to planning trips to starting a business together.

🔹 Why It Works:

• Shared projects reinforce teamwork and shared purpose (Vohs & Finkel, 2006).

• Creating memories through shared effort deepens emotional connection.

Even something as simple as painting a room together can boost intimacy—because you’re actively contributing to something shared.

Final Thoughts: Love is Built, Not Bought

The IKEA Relationship Principle teaches us an essential truth about love:

✅ Effort makes things valuable.
✅ Struggles make love stronger, not weaker.
✅ Building something together is more meaningful than “finding” the perfect match.

If you want a relationship worth treasuring, don’t look for one that’s pre-assembled. Instead, build one—piece by piece, mistake by mistake, effort by effort.

Because, in the end, the love we work for is the love we cherish the most.

Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Aronson, E., & Mills, J. (1959). The effect of severity of initiation on liking for a group. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 59(2), 177-181.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2017). Expectations and changes in marital satisfaction: A longitudinal study of newlyweds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(4), 629-642.

Norton, M. I., Mochon, D., & Ariely, D. (2012). The IKEA effect: When labor leads to love. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 22(3), 453-460.

Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J., & Simpson, J. A. (2006). Regulation processes in close relationships: Investigating the role of implicit theories of relationships in relationship maintenance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(4), 450-463.

Vohs, K. D., & Finkel, E. J. (2006). Self and relationships: Connecting intrapersonal and interpersonal processes. Guilford Press.