The critical conflict resolution skills in marriage: can we promote them better?

Wednesday, June 5, 2024. Revised and updated.

New research confirms something we sort of already knew: conflict resolution skills in marriage are essential for success.

But thanks to recent findings, we now have a better appreciation of just how important they actually are.

Conflict resolution skills: a family affair

Your conflict resolution skills are directly related to your childhood experiences of how your parents handled conflict. The better you are at de-escalating and repairing during disagreements, the more successful your marriage will be.

It also logically follows that the success of your children’s future family life is directly related to your conflict resolution skills in marriage. They have a ringside seat to your behaviors every day.

Marital behavior echoes through time. What you both model for your children right now is the most critical factor for their future marital happiness.

The Most Important Conflict Resolution Skill in Marriage

The key to resolving conflicts in marriage lies in regulating your emotions and pursuing the de-escalation of conflict. People who were more ‘securely attached’ to their parents as children are significantly better at regulating their emotions in their adult relationships. Children who feel protected and trust that they will be loved and protected carry this sense of safety into their marriages.

Partners who feel safe and loved are better able to trust each other, regulate their emotions, and successfully demonstrate conflict resolution skills in marriage. Our nervous systems are shaped by our daily experiences while growing up. If your parents were screamers and modeled extreme emotional dysregulation, it will become the “go-to” way you handle conflict in your adult marriage as well.

I see this pattern in couples therapy regularly. Some couples have had the misfortune of enduring highly chaotic childhoods.

In science-based couples therapy, we help to re-train their nervous systems so that they can be the kind of partner they’d prefer to be and not suffer needlessly from their afflicted nervous system’s habitually toxic response. I tell these couples during my couples therapy intensives that “escalation is the enemy.”

How The Study Was Conducted

Dr. Jessica E. Salvatore, the study’s lead author, said:

“We found that people who were insecurely attached as infants but whose adult romantic partners recover well from conflict are likely to stay together. If one person can lead this process of recovering from conflict, it may buffer the other person and the relationship.”

This study tracked more than 70 people from birth, and their early developmental experiences were carefully assessed. Each participant was drawn into a heated exchange with their spouse, then provided with a “time-out.”

Dr. Salvatore explained the study methodology:

“As part of another project where we looked at how couples fight, I would often catch a few minutes of this cool-down period.”

Essential Conflict Resolution Skills: De-escalation in Relationships

The study authors reported that some couples were able to shift from a heated exchange and downgrade their emotional state back to a calm, de-escalated state with skill.

Other couples escalated their conflict and could neither regulate themselves nor make active repair attempts to co-regulate their spouse.

What did these escalating couples have in common? They were dealt a lousy parental hand, and their attachment style reflects this developmental deficit. When the researchers reviewed the story of their family of origin and studied their attachment styles, they found that the escalating couples had attachment styles that were not secure.

Escalation is the enemy of marital intimacy. Conflict resolution skills in marriage are essential to family life and legacy.

Securely attached partners can help their spouses regulate themselves. Relationships where neither partner has a secure attachment style can be very challenging.

Conflict resolution skills in marriage are a direct outcome of early life history. Your parents teach you how to emotionally regulate. Spouses who can emotionally regulate themselves and prevent an argument from escalating likely had a secure attachment style.

The Amazing Power of Emotional Regulation

But here was the most amazing finding. The ability to regulate your emotions and avoid escalating is so powerful that the researchers also discovered that only one spouse with that ability was reliably able to thwart escalation.

Dr. Salvatore commented on this important discovery:

“That, to us, was the most exciting finding. There’s something about the important people later in our lives that changes the consequences of what happened earlier.”

The good news from this research is that only one of you needs to be a calming influence. You can model secure attachment and emotional regulation for your partner.

Promoting Conflict Resolution Skills in Popular Culture

So, how can we better promote the importance of conflict resolution skills in popular culture?

Could we have TV shows where couples practice de-escalation techniques? Or perhaps a viral TikTok trend where partners share their best conflict resolution hacks? How about incorporating these skills into school curriculums to ensure future generations are equipped with the tools they need for healthy relationships?

Incorporating these ideas into mainstream culture could significantly affect how we approach and handle conflicts in our relationships. After all, who wouldn’t want to watch a reality show where couples work through their issues in an entertaining, healthy, and constructive manner?

By understanding and promoting the critical importance of conflict resolution skills, we can create a ripple effect that benefits not just our marriages but also the future relationships of our children.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.