I regret divorce after infidelity…what does the research say?
Wednesday, February 21, 2024. This is for FT, who is struggling.
Regret after a divorce, especially one that involves infidelity, is a complex emotion that numerous factors can influence.
These include personal values, the quality of the relationship before the infidelity, the circumstances surrounding the breakup, and your emotional coping mechanisms. Research in psychology and social sciences has explored various aspects of divorce, infidelity, and the subsequent emotional aftermath, offering some insights into the feelings of regret that some individuals experience.
Here are several points to consider when you regret divorce after infidelity:
Regret and Personal Growth: Some studies suggest that while divorce can lead to significant emotional distress, it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and development. Individuals may regret the loss of the relationship and the pain caused by infidelity. Still, they may also learn valuable lessons about themselves, their needs, and their boundaries in relationships.
In other words, divorce is a crisis best used for personal development whenever possible.
Factors Influencing Regret: The level of regret experienced after a divorce can depend on several factors, including the reasons for the divorce (such as infidelity), the divorce process (whether it was amicable or contentious), and the presence of children. People might also compare their post-divorce life with their married life, and these comparisons can influence feelings of regret.
Social Support: Research emphasizes the importance of social support during and after a divorce. Individuals with a strong support system tend to cope better with the negative emotions of a breakup, including regret. Support groups, therapy, and confiding in trusted friends or family can be beneficial.
Coping Mechanisms: Effective coping mechanisms, such as seeking therapy, engaging in physical activity, pursuing hobbies, and practicing mindfulness, can help individuals manage regret and other negative emotions. Studies show that how individuals cope with the divorce can significantly impact their emotional well-being and the extent to which they experience regret.
Infidelity Specifics: The role of infidelity in the divorce can complicate feelings of regret. The unfaithful partner may regret their actions and the loss of their marriage, while the person who was betrayed may regret not having seen signs earlier or wonder if the marriage could have been saved. Research indicates that the context and reasons behind the infidelity can affect post-divorce adjustment and feelings of regret.
Time Factor: Feelings of regret may diminish over time. As individuals move further away from the event of the divorce, they often gain new perspectives and build new lives, which can mitigate the intensity of regret. Time allows for emotional healing and, for many, the opportunity to build more fulfilling relationships.
Professional Help: Engaging with a therapist or counselor can be particularly helpful in processing feelings of regret, understanding the factors that led to the infidelity and divorce, and learning healthier coping strategies for moving forward.
In summary, research suggests that regret after a divorce, particularly one involving infidelity, is a natural and common response but is also influenced by a wide range of personal and contextual factors. Coping strategies, social support, personal growth, and professional guidance are key elements in navigating these emotions.
So, what does the research actually say?
Research on the impact of divorce after infidelity is multifaceted, touching on psychological, emotional, and social aspects. Here are some key findings from studies:
Psychological Impact:
A study by Amato and Previti (2003) published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that humans who experienced infidelity in their marriage reported higher levels of depression and anxiety following divorce compared to those whose marriages ended due to other reasons.
Emotional Healing:
Vaughan (2003), in her book "The Monogamy Myth," discusses how individuals often struggle with feelings of betrayal, loss, and insecurity after discovering infidelity, which can continue post-divorce. Emotional healing may take longer compared to divorces without infidelity.
Trust Issues:
Research by Glass and Wright (1992) in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that trust issues may persist even after divorce, impacting future relationships. Individuals who have experienced infidelity may find it challenging to trust again, leading to difficulties in forming new intimate relationships.
Impact on Children:
Studies such as that by Amato and Booth (1996) in the Journal of Marriage and Family indicate that divorce, particularly in the context of infidelity, can have detrimental effects on children's well-being. They may experience emotional distress, behavioral problems, and difficulties in forming trusting relationships in the future.
Reconciliation:
Research by Drigotas et al. (1999) in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that while some couples attempt reconciliation after infidelity, the success rate varies.
Factors such as the level of commitment, willingness to forgive, and ability to rebuild trust influence the outcome of reconciliation attempts.
Long-Term Adjustment:
A longitudinal study by Hetherington and Kelly (2002) published in the American Psychologist found that individuals who divorced following infidelity experienced ongoing emotional struggles and challenges in establishing new relationships even several years after the divorce. That profoundly sucks.
Final thoughts
These studies highlight the complex and long-lasting effects of divorce after infidelity, underscoring the importance of psychological support and coping mechanisms and addressing underlying trust issues for individuals going through such experiences.
Most couples do not divorce after infidelity, so I thought it might be interesting to look at those hurt partners who file.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602-626. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X03024005002
Vaughan, P. (2003). The monogamy myth: A personal handbook for recovering from affairs. Newmarket Press.
Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361-387. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499209551654
Amato, P. R., & Booth, A. (1996). A prospective study of divorce and parent-child relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58(2), 356-365. https://doi.org/10.2307/353506
Drigotas, S. M., Safstrom, C. A., & Gentilia, T. (1999). An investment model prediction of dating infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(3), 509-524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.77.3.509
Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company.
