I Got Compersion Wrong: A Monogamist's Apology and a Closer Look at the Science

June 29, 2025. This is for Alex & Andrea.

I used to think compersion was a niche affectation of the polyamorous intellectual elite—a smug little parlor trick for those who insisted on moral superiority while casually dismantling monogamy.

In earlier posts, I dismissed it as a shiny buzzword that functioned more as ideological branding than emotional reality.

I may have even implied it was emotionally fraudulent. That was not generous of me. Worse, it was wrong.

In the spirit of intellectual repentance, let me try again. This time, with humility, and actual science.

What Compersion Is—No Spin, No Smugness

Compersion is the capacity to feel joy for a partner’s joy, particularly when that joy comes from someone or something decidedly other than you.

In consensual non-monogamous (CNM) communities, it often refers to positive feelings when a partner is romantically or sexually involved with someone else.

But in a broader, more useful sense, it is a form of empathic resonance—a warm, affiliative reaction to another’s happiness (Matsick et al., 2022).

The research literature makes clear that the emerging concept of compersion is not the antithesis of jealousy but its occasional affective counterpart.

Mitchell et al. (2014) described it as a coexisting affective state that can function in tension with jealousy, depending on your attachment style, self-esteem, and relational security.

Birnie and Rubin (2022) found that people high in emotional stability and relationship satisfaction were more likely to report compersive feelings, even in emotionally complex circumstances.

To my surprise—and perhaps to the surprise of those who read my previous posts with furrowed brows—some monogamous folks also report experiences of compersion (Matsick et al., 2022). These tend not to involve sexual scenarios, but the emotional mechanics are strikingly similar.

A husband delights in his wife’s solo hiking adventures.

A partner smiles when her spouse gets animated about an obscure hobby.

These are not just examples of generosity or maturity. I now understand that they are compersive in its native monogamous dialect.

Cultural Narcissism: The Water We Swim In

If compersion is a river of relational generosity, then modern Western culture is upstream, furiously dumping narcissism into the current.

This isn’t hyperbole—it’s empirically observable.

Studies have linked increased narcissistic traits with higher levels of social media usage and lower interpersonal empathy (Andreassen et al., 2017). Our cultural messaging trains us to compete for attention, equate love with possession, and mistake recognition for connection.

Twenge and Campbell (2009) described this shift as “the narcissism epidemic,” a slow-motion unraveling of communal values in favor of self-branding. In that environment, it’s not surprising that joy-for-others feels suspect, if not actively threatening.

Compersion requires us to step outside the spotlight and into the audience—to witness, not perform. And we don’t train for that no more.

How I Got It Wrong

I had treated compersion as a virtue exclusive to CNM relationships, implicitly exotic and impractical.

I saw it as a concept freighted with superiority and used it as a proxy for critiquing other things—like polyamorous overconfidence or what I still believe is a profound underestimation of attachment complexity in open relationships.

But I failed to ask: What if compersion isn't a lifestyle ornament, but rather a nascent neurological potential?

What if it's not about validating someone else's moral system, but about expanding our own emotional repertoire?

The more I read and thought about it, the more I saw compersion not as a feature of polyamory, but as a potential practice in any deep relationship—one that pushes back against the scarcity model of love that our culture teaches.

The findings of Birnie and Rubin (2022) and Mitchell et al. (2014) suggest that compersion correlates less with relationship structure and more with emotional maturity, secure attachment, and the ability to tolerate the self’s minor role in another’s joy.

I missed that.

That realization was both liberating and humbling. But, to be honest, I’m kinda grateful I caught it myself.

My bad.

It forced me to confront my own limitations—not just as a marriage and family therapist, but as a human trying to find my best thinking on human intimacy.

Monogamy with Room to Breathe

There is a peculiar strain of possessiveness in monogamy that masquerades as devotion. I know it well.

I’ve counseled couples who mistake fusion for love, who measure intimacy by proximity and allegiance by exclusivity.

Compersion doesn’t require us to undo monogamy. But it does ask us to let our partners breathe.

This doesn’t mean permitting betrayal or blurring ethical boundaries. It means more deeply practicing what the attachment theorists call differentiation—remaining emotionally connected without requiring sameness or constant affirmation (Johnson, 2019).

A monogamous couple that can cultivate compersion—whether it’s about careers, friendships, spiritual pursuits, or private inner joys—has inoculated itself against the kind of brittle, conditional love that narcissism breeds. They are not seeking constant reflection.

They are building a shared space big enough for two full lives.

Final Thoughts, and a Promise to Do Better

Compersion, I now believe, is not an exotic quirk, but it’s sorta like an underutilized muscle.

It is neither utopian nor absurd. It’s just hard.

It rubs against the grain of everything American culture rewards and everything insecure attachment fears.

And yet, it is real. And worth cultivating.

I was wrong to dismiss it. I was wrong to imply it was self-delusion wrapped in self-righteousness. The evidence, the lived experience of many monogamous people, and—yes—my own changing heart have persuaded me otherwise.

So, this is my attempt at a public repair.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Andreassen, C. S., Pallesen, S., & Griffiths, M. D. (2017). The relationship between addictive use of social media, narcissism, and self-esteem: Findings from a large national survey. Addictive Behaviors, 64, 287–293. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2016.03.006

Birnie, P., & Rubin, K. H. (2022). The social psychology of compersion: A positive response to romantic partner’s sexual engagement with others. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 17(1), 34–45. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2021.1896789

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.

Matsick, J. L., Conley, T. D., Ziegler, A., Moors, A. C., & Rubin, J. D. (2022). Compersion in consensually non-monogamous and monogamous individuals: The roles of relationship type, individual characteristics, and situation. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(4), 1959–1972. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02139-1

Mitchell, M. E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R. J. (2014). Need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(3), 329–339. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2012.742998

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.