How Your Personality Shapes Your Love Story: A Therapist's Perspective

Friday, October 25, 2024.

Is it just your partner's quirks that make or break your relationship, or could the real key be... you?

Well, buckle up, because fresh research suggests that your own personality might be calling the shots in your love life more than you think.

A study published in Personality & Individual Differences finds that who you are—especially your quirks, anxieties, and, yes, how well you remember to put the toilet seat down—can make a bigger impact on your long-term relationship satisfaction than anything your partner does. (I know, it's a lot to take in.)

What’s Your Personality Got to Do with It?

Kathrin Bach and her team, clearly curious about what makes long-term love tick, dived deep into the dynamics between personality and relationship satisfaction.

They leaned on the trusty Big Five personality traits—Neuroticism, Extraversion, Openness to Experience, Agreeableness, and Conscientiousness—and followed nearly 500 couples over nine whole years.

And the big takeaway?

Turns out, it’s not so much about your partner’s traits, but rather your own. Yes, even in the most “you always do this” arguments, it might be your own inner world doing the heavy lifting—or sabotaging the vibe.

Neuroticism: The Party Crasher

If you’re the type who worries about everything (hello, Neuroticism!), brace yourself: those anxious vibes are a real downer for relationship satisfaction.

Neuroticism was like the pesky party crasher of love, consistently dragging down satisfaction levels for both men and women.

But here's the kicker—ladies felt the negative impact a little more than the guys. Think of it as bringing an uninvited guest to date night.

This aligns with earlier research showing that a tendency toward negative emotions can make relationship bumps feel like potholes. But the good news? Just being aware of it means you can work on it. (That’s what therapy’s for, right?)

Conscientiousness: The Unsung Hero of Happy Couples

On the flip side, Conscientiousness brought the good vibes.

People who are organized, dependable, and have a knack for planning things (yes, including date night) saw a positive boost in their relationship satisfaction. These folks seem to find ways to smooth out the wrinkles that come with long-term love.

Think of them as the unsung heroes who remember to pick up the dry cleaning and your favorite snack on the way home. It turns out that being reliable might be sexier than we thought.

A Twist for Extraversion

Now, here’s a plot twist that might surprise some: Extraversion, usually the life of the party, showed a negative link to relationship satisfaction—but only for women. Imagine the social butterfly who feels a bit restless in the same cocoon year after year.

The researchers suggest that changing social roles and family dynamics might explain why extraverted women feel this way. It’s as if that party energy might need a little more freedom than long-term love typically offers.

Agreeableness Isn’t All That Agreeable?

Interestingly, Agreeableness—a trait all about being kind and cooperative—didn’t show up as the superhero some expected.

While previous studies said, “the nicer, the better,” this one couldn’t find much of a link between Agreeableness and long-term satisfaction. Maybe nice guys don’t always finish last, but nice traits don’t guarantee relationship bliss either.

The Real Story: It’s More About You Than Them

So, what’s the takeaway from all this data and psychological deep-diving?

When it comes to keeping that love alive over the years, your own personality traits matter more than how much your partner clicks with you on paper.

Sure, it’s great if your partner is agreeable or conscientious too, but your own approach to life is what keeps the spark alive—or puts out the fire.

This aligns with similar research emphasizing what’s known as “actor effects,” where your personality has a bigger influence on your happiness than your partner’s. It’s kind of like realizing you’ve been driving the relationship bus all along—no wonder you sometimes feel like you’re on a detour!

A Note on Real Life vs. Research

Before you start googling "how to change my personality," a quick reality check: the study had a few limitations.

Over nine years, some couples dropped out, meaning the results may reflect those who were a bit happier to begin with. It’s a bit like saying, “the last ones dancing at the wedding are probably the happiest.” Still, this research gives some solid clues about how to tune into your own role in the love story you're writing every day.

A Warm Takeaway for Couples

So, if you’re feeling like you and your partner are speaking different love languages (or planets, some days), consider looking inward.

Maybe those little adjustments—like dialing down the worry or upping the dependability—might change the entire plotline of your relationship.

And who knows, maybe that newfound insight can keep you both dancing well past the last song.

For more insights into how to shape a happier, more satisfying relationship, keep an eye on this blog, or better yet, grab some therapy sessions with me. After all, the journey of love is best traveled with a little self-reflection, and self-examination.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bach, K., Koch, M., & Spinath, F. M. (2024). Relationship satisfaction and The Big Five – Utilizing longitudinal data covering 9 years. Personality & Individual Differences.

Roberts, B. W., & Robins, R. W. (2000). The development of personality traits in adulthood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 9(4), 91-94.

Donnellan, M. B., Conger, R. D., & Bryant, C. M. (2004). The Big Five and enduring marriages. Journal of Research in Personality, 38(5), 481-504.

Watson, D., Hubbard, B., & Wiese, D. (2000). General traits of personality and affectivity as predictors of satisfaction in intimate relationships: Evidence from self-and partner-ratings. Journal of Personality, 68(3), 413-449.

Mund, M., & Neyer, F. J. (2014). The winding paths of the lonesome traveler: Loneliness and social relationship quality across the lifespan. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 107(4), 856-871.