How to Support an Avoidant Partner
Tuesday, February 18, 2025. This is for AK.
Some say that an avoidant partner is the romantic equivalent of a cat that only wants affection when they decide it’s time.
One minute, they’re present and affectionate; the next, they’ve retreated into their own world, leaving you wondering if they were secretly hired by the Witness Protection Program.
But before you assume they just don’t care, let’s dive into the psychology behind avoidant attachment and explore how you can support your partner without losing yourself in the process.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: It’s Not You, It’s Their Nervous System
Avoidant Attachment isn’t just an elaborate scheme to make you feel like a needy Golden Retriever in a relationship.
According to attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969), avoidantly attached partners learned early on that closeness often led to discomfort or rejection, so they adapted by downplaying their emotional needs. The result? An adult who equates too much intimacy with a loss of independence.
Research by Fraley & Shaver (2000) suggests that avoidant partners experience physiological stress when faced with emotional closeness, even if they genuinely love their partner. So no, they’re not cold-hearted—they’re just internally short-circuiting when you ask, “What are you thinking about?”
Yes, Avoidants Can Have Healthy Relationships
Despite popular misconceptions, avoidant folks can have deeply loving relationships—it just requires a different approach. Studies indicate that when avoidants feel emotionally safe and respected in their need for autonomy, they can form secure attachments over time (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). The key is creating connection without triggering their "flee" response.
Moreover, research by Simpson et al. (2012) found that avoidant partners show care and commitment in relationships, but they often express it through actions rather than words.
So if they fixed your car, helped you with a project, or begrudgingly watched Bridgerton with you, that’s basically their version of writing you a love poem.
On The other Hand, Maybe They’re Just Not That Into You?
While Attachment Theory explains a lot, let’s not romanticize emotional unavailability.
Some people aren’t avoidant—they’re just emotionally lazy or uninterested (Holmes, 2010).
If your partner repeatedly dismisses your needs, refuses to communicate, and makes you feel like an inconvenience, it might not be attachment issues—it might just be incompatibility.
A healthy relationship requires both partners to make an effort. If you find yourself doing all the emotional heavy lifting while they live their best independent life, it’s worth asking: Are they working on their avoidant tendencies, or are you just accommodating their avoidance at the expense of your own needs?
How to Support Your Avoidant Partner Without Losing Yourself
Now that we’ve established that avoidants are not soulless robots but also not an endangered species that must be preserved at all costs, let’s discuss how you can support them while maintaining your sanity.
Respect Their Need for Space (But Set Your Own Boundaries)
Avoidants are wired to need space to self-regulate. Instead of taking their distancing personally, allow them room to breathe. However, this does not mean sacrificing your own needs. A relationship should be a balance of space and connection, not just a one-sided game of "guess when they’ll be emotionally available again."
Choose Your Battles (Not Every Silence is an Emotional Crime)
Avoidant partners don’t process emotions the same way anxiously attached folks do. They’re less likely to talk through every feeling, so pick your timing wisely. If something truly matters, bring it up calmly rather than overwhelming them with a flood of emotions all at once.
Encourage Vulnerability Without Pushing
If an avoidant partner opens up, do not respond with immediate problem-solving or excessive enthusiasm. They need to feel like they can be vulnerable without it leading to more pressure. A simple “I hear you” or “I appreciate you sharing that” can be more far effective than a TED Talk on emotional connection.
Be Secure in Yourself (So You Don’t Become Their Therapist)
It’s easy to fall into the trap of “If I just love them enough, they’ll change”—but that’s not how attachment styles work. You are not responsible for fixing their wounds. Your job is to be a supportive partner, not a self-sacrificing emotional contortionist.
Recognize Their Love Language (It’s Probably Acts of Service or Quality Time, Not Words of Affirmation)
Avoidants tend to express love through actions, not words (Chapman, 1995). If they aren’t verbally affectionate but show up for you in practical ways, understand that’s their way of connecting. Appreciate the effort, but also communicate your own love language needs.
Create a Relationship That Feels Safe for Both of You
Secure relationships are built on trust, patience, and mutual respect. That means neither partner feels smothered nor neglected. If you find yourself constantly feeling emotionally starved, it’s worth evaluating whether this dynamic is working for you.
Final Thoughts: Love Doesn’t Have to Be a Puzzle
Supporting an avoidant partner doesn’t mean bending over backward to accommodate their every need while neglecting your own.
It means understanding their wiring, meeting them halfway, and making sure you feel valued in the process.
The best relationships aren’t about forcing someone to change—they’re about two people learning how to love each other as they are while still growing together. And if your avoidant partner truly cares, they’ll do their part too—just in their own, slightly distant, "please don’t look at me while I express emotions" kind of way.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Chapman, G. (1995). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Northfield Publishing.
Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.
Holmes, J. (2010). Exploring in security: Towards an attachment-informed psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Routledge.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Publications.
Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Nelligan, J. S. (2012). Support seeking and support giving within couples in an anxiety-provoking situation: The role of attachment styles. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(1), 185-203.