Blending Disciplinary Styles: How to Parent as a Team

Friday, August 9, 2024.

In blended families, navigating different parenting styles is often one of the most challenging aspects of creating a harmonious household.

When two people with distinct approaches to discipline come together, it can lead to friction, confusion, and tension, both between the parents and among the children.

Successfully blending disciplinary styles is crucial for co-parenting effectively and creating a stable, supportive environment for all family members.

I have often seen how differences in disciplinary styles can impact family dynamics. In this blog post, we'll delve into social science research to explore how blended families can align their approaches to discipline, offering strategies to parent as a cohesive team.

The Challenge of Blending Disciplinary Styles

Disciplinary styles often reflect deeper values and beliefs about child-rearing, which can be shaped by an individual's own upbringing, cultural background, and personal experiences. When these styles clash in a blended family, it can create inconsistencies that confuse children and undermine parental authority.

A study by Simons and Conger (2007) highlights the importance of consistency in parenting practices. The researchers found that consistent discipline, where both parents enforce the same rules and expectations, leads to better child outcomes, including higher levels of self-regulation and lower levels of behavioral problems.

However, achieving consistency in a blended family, where parents may have different approaches to discipline, is easier said than done.

According to Bray and Kelly (1998), conflicts over parenting practices are a leading cause of stress in blended families, often exacerbating tensions between step-siblings an

Tip #1: Communicate and Align Values Early

Before you can align your disciplinary styles, it's essential to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your parenting values and beliefs. What do you each consider to be the most important aspects of discipline? How were you disciplined as a child, and how does that influence your approach now? Understanding each other's perspectives can help you find common ground and develop a unified approach.

Real-Life Example: Take the example of Dan and Emily, a blended family couple who came to therapy struggling with different approaches to discipline. Dan was raised in a strict household and believed in clear, firm rules. Emily, on the other hand, grew up with more lenient parents and preferred a nurturing approach that emphasized dialogue and understanding. Through therapy, they learned to appreciate each other's perspectives and worked together to create a set of family rules that balanced firmness with empathy.

Establishing a Unified Front

Once you've discussed your values and aligned on your general approach, the next step is to establish a unified front when it comes to discipline. Children, especially in blended families, are quick to notice discrepancies between their parents' approaches, and they may test boundaries to see where the lines are drawn.

Research Insight: Hetherington and Clingempeel (1992) found that children in blended families are more likely to exhibit behavioral issues when they perceive inconsistency in discipline between their biological parent and stepparent. This inconsistency can lead to confusion and insecurity, making it harder for children to adjust to the new family structure.

Tip #2: Present a Consistent Message

To avoid this, it's crucial that both parents present a consistent message when it comes to rules and consequences. This doesn't mean that both parents need to discipline in exactly the same way, but rather that they agree on the fundamental rules and expectations. For instance, if curfew is at 10 p.m., both parents need to enforce that rule consistently.

Real-Life Example: Consider the case of Mike and Laura, who were struggling with their teenage son, Jack, testing boundaries. Mike was stricter, while Laura was more lenient, leading to confusion for Jack about what was expected of him. By attending therapy together, Mike and Laura learned to communicate better about their expectations and agreed on key rules. This unified approach helped Jack feel more secure and understand the consequences of his actions more clearly.

Balancing Authority and Compassion

In blended families, the issue of authority can be particularly sensitive, especially when it comes to stepparents disciplining stepchildren. Establishing authority while maintaining a compassionate and supportive relationship is key to effective parenting in a blended family.

Papernow (2013) discusses the concept of the "stepparent role," emphasizing that stepparents should aim to build a relationship with their stepchildren before stepping into a disciplinary role. Papernow’s research suggests that stepparents who focus on creating a positive, nurturing relationship first are more likely to be effective when they eventually take on a more authoritative role.

Tip #3: Build Relationships Before Enforcing Rules

If you're a stepparent, it's important to spend time building a positive relationship with your stepchildren before stepping into a disciplinary role. This approach allows you to establish trust and respect, which are crucial when enforcing rules. Start by engaging in activities that your stepchildren enjoy, showing interest in their lives, and being supportive of their feelings.

Real-Life Example: Sarah, a new stepmother, found that her attempts to discipline her stepdaughter, Lily, were met with resistance and hostility. Through therapy, Sarah learned the importance of building a relationship with Lily first. By spending quality time together and showing genuine care for Lily's interests, Sarah gradually earned her stepdaughter's respect, which made discipline more effective later on.

Addressing Differences in Parenting Styles

Even with the best intentions, differences in parenting styles are bound to arise in blended families. It's essential to address these differences proactively to prevent them from becoming sources of conflict.

According to McHale et al. (2004), unresolved differences in parenting styles can lead to parental conflict, which negatively impacts children's well-being. The study suggests that parents who work together to resolve these differences constructively tend to have better outcomes for both their relationship and their children's development.

Tip #4: Use Conflict Resolution Strategies

When conflicts over parenting styles arise, use conflict resolution strategies to address them. This might include setting aside time to discuss the issue calmly, listening to each other's perspectives, and finding compromises that respect both partners' views. It's also helpful to seek the guidance of a couples therapist if the conflicts become too challenging to manage on your own.

Real-Life Example: John and Lisa, a blended family couple, often clashed over how to discipline their children. John was more authoritarian, while Lisa was more permissive. In therapy, they learned to communicate more effectively and used conflict resolution techniques to find middle ground. By compromising and respecting each other's parenting styles, they were able to create a more harmonious home environment.

Seeking Professional Support

Blending disciplinary styles in a blended family can be a complex and emotionally charged process. If you're struggling to align your parenting approaches, seeking professional support from a couples therapist or family counselor can be incredibly beneficial.

Ganong and Coleman (2004) emphasize the importance of professional support in helping blended families navigate challenges. Their research indicates that families who engage in therapy are more likely to develop effective co-parenting strategies and experience better overall family functioning.

Tip #5: Don't Hesitate to Seek Help

If you find that aligning your disciplinary styles is causing significant stress or conflict, don't hesitate to seek help from a qualified professional. A good science-based couples therapist can provide a safe space to explore your differences, learn new communication skills, and develop strategies that work for your unique family dynamic. I can help with that.

Real-Life Example: Karen and Tom, a couple with very different disciplinary styles, reached a breaking point where they felt they couldn't resolve their differences on their own. Through therapy, they were able to work through their conflicts and find a way to co-parent effectively, ultimately strengthening their marriage and their family.

Final thoughts

Blending disciplinary styles in a blended family is undoubtedly challenging, but with the right approach, it can be done successfully. By communicating openly, presenting a unified front, building relationships before enforcing rules, addressing conflicts constructively, and seeking professional support when needed, you can create a cohesive, supportive environment for your family.

Remember, the goal is not to achieve perfection but to work together as a team to provide stability, love, and guidance for your children.

As a science-based couples therapist, I encourage you to approach this journey with patience, empathy, and a willingness to adapt. The effort you put into blending your disciplinary styles will pay off in the form of a stronger, more united family.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bray, J. H., & Kelly, J. (1998). Stepfamilies: Love, marriage, and parenting in the first decade. Broadway Books.

Ganong, L. H., & Coleman, M. (2004). Stepparenting: Issues in theory, research, and practice. Springer Publishing Company.

Hetherington, E. M., & Clingempeel, W. G. (1992). Coping with marital transitions: A family systems perspective. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 57(2), 1-242.

McHale, J. P., Kuersten-Hogan, R., & Lauretti, A. (2004). Conflict in co-parenting and its effect on children. Family Process, 43(1), 121-135

Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn't. Routledge.

Simons, R. L., & Conger, R. D. (2007). Linking mother-father differences in parenting to child behavior problems: Evidence from a sample of African American families. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(5), 1213-1226.