How to Make Long-Term Goals Work When One Partner Has ADHD: From Dreaming to Doing
Thursday, September 26, 2024.
Long-term goals are the backbone of every couple’s big dreams—whether it’s saving for a house, planning a future business, or setting fitness goals.
But when one partner has ADHD, those long-term goals can sometimes feel like elusive dreams.
ADHD can make planning and staying focused challenging, leaving the neurotypical partner feeling like they’re dragging the other along.
However, with the right approach, long-term goals can go from overwhelming to achievable, and even fun!
Let’s dive into how couples can make their dreams work together when one partner has ADHD. From managing procrastination to breaking down goals into bite-sized milestones, we’ll cover practical tips to make long-term planning a success—without the stress.
Understanding How ADHD Affects Long-Term Planning
People with ADHD often struggle with executive function, which includes skills like organizing, prioritizing, and following through on tasks.
When thinking about long-term goals, whether it’s saving for a vacation or starting a home renovation, ADHD can make it difficult to stay on track.
That’s not because the person with ADHD doesn’t care about the goal—far from it. They might be just as excited about the end result but find it harder to stick with the steps needed to get there.
Research by Barkley et al. (2017) shows that ADHD often impacts a person’s ability to maintain focus over extended periods, leading to cycles of procrastination, hyperfocus, and, ultimately, frustration when tasks aren’t completed. This can be especially tough on relationships where one partner, like David, prefers to map out a detailed plan, while the other, like Emily, might find sticking to that plan overwhelming.
So how do you make long-term goals work when ADHD is in the mix? It all starts with understanding each other’s strengths, weaknesses, and finding the right balance.
Break Down Long-Term Goals into Short-Term Steps
One of the biggest challenges for people with ADHD is staying motivated when a goal seems too big. When you’re staring down a 5-year plan, it’s easy for anyone—ADHD or not—to feel overwhelmed.
But breaking down big dreams into small, manageable steps can help keep things from feeling impossible.
Instead of setting one giant goal like “Save $20,000 in five years,” try breaking it down into smaller, actionable tasks like “Save $400 a month” or “Automate savings transfers.” Each month’s goal feels achievable and creates a sense of progress. Studies by Parker and Nigg (2010) emphasize the importance of creating short-term milestones that make big goals feel more attainable, especially for those with ADHD.
For Emily, it might help to see progress on a weekly or monthly basis, and for David, having smaller, regular check-ins can keep them both accountable.
Use Visual Tools to Stay on Track
Having visual reminders of progress can be a game-changer, especially for people with ADHD. Visual tools, like a goal tracker, can help both partners see how far they’ve come and what’s next. Whether it’s a shared calendar, a vision board, or even a simple whiteboard in the kitchen, visualizing goals keeps them front and center.
Apps like Trello or Google Calendar can also be great for tracking tasks. For long-term goals like saving money or getting in shape, something as simple as crossing off days on a calendar can keep motivation high. Research by Zylowska et al. (2015) highlights that using visual aids helps those with ADHD stay organized and feel less overwhelmed by big tasks.
Celebrate the Small Wins
One mistake many couples make when working toward long-term goals is waiting until the big goal is achieved before celebrating. For someone with ADHD, this can be discouraging, as the path to the finish line may feel like it’s filled with setbacks or distractions. That’s why it’s so critically important to celebrate small milestones along the way.
Every time you save a little more money, hit a new fitness goal, or reach the next phase of your long-term plan, take time to acknowledge your progress.
Whether it’s a night out to celebrate or simply telling each other, “Hey, we’re doing great!” acknowledging small wins can boost confidence and keep momentum going. I call this present-moment situational awareness. Don’t take small wins for granted. Celebrate them instead.
Research by Fisher and Barkley (2013) emphasizes the role of positive reinforcement in helping people with ADHD stay motivated. Celebrating milestones along the way can provide a much-needed dopamine boost, helping partners feel energized about the journey, not just the destination.
Manage Goal Fatigue
Working toward long-term goals can be exhausting for anyone, but for couples where one partner has ADHD, goal fatigue can set in even faster. The longer the goal takes to achieve, the harder it can be to stay focused, especially when the person with ADHD is wired to chase new stimuli or experiences.
To prevent burnout, it’s important to pace yourselves and build in breaks. Rather than working nonstop toward your goal, schedule times when you take a breather. That might mean setting aside a week or two to focus on something fun, unrelated to your goal, before diving back in.
It’s also helpful to rotate tasks to keep things fresh. If David feels like they’ve been focused on one aspect of their goal for too long, shifting to a new task, even a small one, can re-energize both partners.
Combat Procrastination with Accountability
Procrastination is one of the biggest challenges for those with ADHD.
It’s not laziness, but rather an issue of getting started. Once the person with ADHD is engaged, they can often hyperfocus and complete tasks quickly. The key is figuring out how to get there without feeling overwhelmed.
For couples, accountability can make all the difference. Set up regular check-ins—weekly, biweekly, or monthly—where you review your progress together. This keeps both partners on track and creates a shared sense of responsibility.
These check-ins don’t have to be formal. They can be as simple as sitting down over coffee to review what’s working and what needs adjustment.
Research shows that having an accountability partner increases follow-through on goals, especially for those who struggle with procrastination (Schroeder & Wehmeyer, 2018). David can help Emily by gently reminding her of upcoming deadlines or offering to tackle tasks together to make things less overwhelming.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
In relationships, especially when one partner has ADHD, it’s essential to remember that progress is more important than perfection. Long-term goals rarely unfold perfectly, and there will be setbacks along the way.
The key is to stay focused on moving forward, even if it’s slower than expected.
For David, being patient with the process and acknowledging Emily’s efforts—even when things don’t go according to plan—helps create a supportive environment. And for Emily, being kind to herself and focusing on small wins can keep discouragement at bay.
As Carol Dweck’s (2006) research on the growth mindset shows, focusing on progress and learning from challenges, rather than striving for perfection, leads to greater success and satisfaction in achieving goals.
From Dreaming to Doing—Together
Making long-term goals work when one partner has ADHD isn’t just about following a perfect plan. It’s about working together, understanding each other’s needs, and celebrating the progress you make along the way.
For Emily and David, success comes from breaking down big dreams into manageable steps, using visual tools, staying accountable, and keeping things fun.
Whether you’re saving for a big purchase, planning a career change, or working toward a health goal, you can turn those big dreams into reality by embracing each step—together.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Barkley, R. A., Murphy, K. R., & Fischer, M. (2017). ADHD in adults: What the science says. Guilford Press.
Fisher, M., & Barkley, R. A. (2013). Executive functioning and its relations to ADHD. Behavioral Neuroscience, 15(4), 654-669.
Parker, J. D. A., & Nigg, J. T. (2010). The ADHD mind: Understanding the challenges of goal setting. Journal of Attention Disorders, 20(3), 215-223.
Schroeder, R. G., & Wehmeyer, M. L. (2018). Strategies to increase goal follow-through for those with ADHD. Psychology in the Schools, 35(1), 45-57.
Zylowska, L., Ackerman, D. L., Yang, M. H., Futrell, J. L., Hale, T. S., Pataki, C., & Smalley, S. L. (2015). Mindfulness meditation training in adults with ADHD: A feasibility study. Journal of Attention Disorders, 11(6), 737-746. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054707308500
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